Random Thoughts Strung Together

Costco, Ahoy!

2012-02-09T19:38:00.001-05:00

I got off early today (it's been a blissfully easy week this week, and I'm sure I'll more than make up for it soon), so I did a quick drive-by of Wally World to pick up some staples (cleaning products) and swung by Costco and made out like a bandit:

1. One HUGE thing of grapes, which will maybe last me a week
2. One HUGE thing of blueberries, which will again maybe last me a week
3. A 12-pack of veggie burgers... with actual veggies in them
4. A 2-pack of nonfat plain greek yogurt, both tubs being 32 ounces
5. A tub of hummus
6. A six-pack of romaine lettuce heads
7. Clementines
8. A huge thing of medjool dates, which work well for dessert for me
9. A boat-load of tomatoes
10. A big bag of broccoli, which will live in my freezer and be doled out as needed

SCORE. All of this cost me like $67, and most of it will last a couple weeks to a month, if not more. I know none of it is local, although the greek yogurt might be Cabot even though it says "Kirkland"... you never know.

You know what? I don't care. It's Effin' FEBRUARY in Vermont, and I'm jonzing for some fresh, healthy produce. I'll take what I can get.

And those grapes? HEAVEN.

Realization.

2012-02-06T11:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day at work in a week. It was actually (thankfully) a light day. Only four massages, with only one that was a little - but not too! - deep.

I left work yesterday feeling really good.

That's when I realized that while my financial situation demands me doing five massages a day, five days a week, my body does not particularly like it.

Actually, it doesn't like it at all.

Which puts me in a bit of a conundrum. I mean, I can live on four massages a day, five days a week, but five/five really allows me to relax and not have to stress about my financial situation. Which is ironic, because instead of stressing about my financial situation, I'm stressing about work.

It's a lose-lose, isn't it?

Not sure what I'm going to do as yet, but it's a good realization to have. It gives me something to move forward with, something to work around.

We shall see...

The End.

2012-02-04T18:02:00.000-05:00

Of my vacation, that is. Tonight.

Sigh.

I really need another week. Or six. But as that is not currently economically feasible, hi ho! and all the jazz as of tomorrow morning.

It's been a great week. Spent all of Monday lounging and sleeping, which was badly needed. Tuesday I was out and about, and Wednesday and Thursday I was up at Mum's convincing her to buy a new car. Friday I came back home and lounged about a bit with The Boyfriend. Today I got out of my pj's exactly once. I went to the corner store to see if they had any nail polish remover. They didn't. On my way back home I took a short-cut that took me over the train tracks. I tripped over one of the tracks and did a total face plant. I took that as a sign from the Universe that I needed to be back home in my pj's bonding with Ezmerelda, so that's what I did.

Right now, I'm cooking myself a yummy, healthy dinner (chicken breasts, steamed broccoli and baked, homemade sweet potato fries). I'm kinda wishing I had some wine, but will settle with the last slice of german chocolate cake from The Boyfriend's birthday last weekend.

Yum! :-)

Vaycayshun Day 2

2012-01-31T10:17:00.000-05:00

I would have posted something yesterday on my first day of Vacation, but I spent it sleeping. I took a 2-hour nap in the morning, then took another 2-hour nap in the afternoon. Spent the rest of the day bonding with Esmerelda the Couch and the television.

It was bliss, I tell you. BLISS.

I never double-nap. I think the last time I did that I was either a baby or had the flu. One more piece of evidence toward the fact that this vacation is WAY overdue. It's only day two and I'm already thinking one week won't be enough. But I'm trying hard not to think about that.

Today is Day 2, and my plan is to leave the house. I need to go to the bank and deposit a bunch of checks (how lovely to say that), I need to stop at the pharmacy and also trade a sweater I bought at Old Navy for the next size up. Or two sizes up. It fits now, but the problem is it fits. Like, I can't wear much but a cami underneath it, which defeats the purpose of a sweater in Vermont in February. I want to be able to wear an actual shirt under it and still have it be baggy. I also have dance tonight and I'm actually going to go. My range of motion still isn't the best but overall my back is feeling loads better. But the only way the range of motion is going to improve if for me to start using it again. So... dance class.

But I'm taking my time. I mean, I didn't get out of bed until 9:30.

LUXURY.

Two Things That Have Absolutely Nothing to do with Each Other

2012-01-28T11:41:00.000-05:00

1. My back is feeling better even though it still hurts. It is no longer a random deep ache over my entire low back. It's gotten to be a pretty specific discomfort on just my right side. So I'm considering it an improvement. I was able to actually get relatively comfortable last night and got a decent night's sleep. Yay! I've suspected from the beginning that I either pulled my Psoas or Quadratus Lumborum, but now that the general pain has gone away, I'm almost positive I pulled my Psoas:

Click here to visit the site from which I borrow this image.

I'm feeling it down into my legs in the front, and I'm getting residual pulling down my iliotibial band and piriformis muscles, which makes sense because the psoas is pretty much pulling everything that those two muscles attach to (ie, my humerus) out of whack.

Fun!

See... the nice thing about being a massage therapist is you can look at all the fun books and see EXACTLY what you can't do much about except gentle stretching and simply giving it the time to heal. I probably shouldn't have had that deep massage while it was still in the acute state, but honestly I do think it helped some. Those muscles were already super tight before this happened so there was some relief. And the super-tightness was probably one of the reasons this was able to happen in the first place.

2. I'm thinking about starting a container garden this year. I have a lovely porch out front that is all mine and it gets some nice morning sun:

It is well-protected from the elements, and the perfect space for something like this. I'm running into two problems at the moment. The first is that I have no idea how to go about doing it. Which is easily fixed. Hellooo.... internet! The second is that I'm not very good about keeping plants alive. I can manage my christmas cacti because, helloooo... cactus. But it seems like the perfect opportunity to maybe see if I can grow some of my own tomatoes, peppers, or even peas.

In the past, I've been in a too-urban community and I worried that what success I might have would be ruined by bored youths who can't stand to see nice things. But I'm far enough off the beaten path now where I really wouldn't have to worry about that.

So I may be looking into that this spring. It would be nice to grow some of my own vegetables. It's really the most cost-effective way to consume them in the quantity I do. Granted I wouldn't get a lot from a few containers, but it would be a nice way to augment my meals in between farmer's market visits in the summer. For which, by the way, I am super excited. The farmer's market in my new town is held Friday afternoons (my day off!), and is within an easy walking distance. I cannot wait to start patronizing!

T -3 Days...

2012-01-27T09:11:00.000-05:00

...until vacation!!!! Squee! I'm on my "weekend" now, working Sunday, then off for six glorious days. My original plan had been to sleep, but as my back will barely tolerate my bed for 8 hours, my new goal is just to lounge carefully posed for as much of the week as possible.

I was so happy this morning. I managed - with a variety of pillows, winches, pulleys and black magic - to lay on my side for like an hour. BLISS.

I really think I pulled one of my super-deep muscles, and there is simply nothing I can do but give it time to heal. So of course, doing massages all week probably didn't help. I've got a full schedule on Sunday, but after that I'm not doing anything. I'm tentatively planning on going up to my Mom's for a couple days, but I'm unsure if I can sit in the car for an hour.

We shall see.

Of Course.

2012-01-25T07:27:00.000-05:00

Last night I was warming up a frozen pizza in the oven. Which I know totally goes against my "I'll make it all myself!" statement of like two posts ago but whatever. It was an organic pizza, okay? And I was hungry, and tired and in pain.

So, I was warming the pizza up when I look over and there are all these pretty flames in the the oven.

W.T.F?!?!?!?!?!?

So yeah, freak all the hell out. Turn off the stove, didn't open it, let it die down. Scared the crap out of me, but figured something had just dripped on the bottom heating element and was burning off. Anyway, took a look at it last night before I went to bed. Yeah, nothing had dripped on it. Everything was burned out from the bottom of the element. Which means that it was the thing itself that erupted in flames.

GREAAAATTTT....

At some point today I need to call the landlord and tell him the bottom heating element in the brand-spanking new stove he bought erupted into pyrotechnics last night and now the oven isn't working. Looking forward to that. Somehow I feel guilty for this, despite the fact that woah nelly not my fault. This landlord is really so nice and I really like him and I think he kinda reminds me of my Dad so I just don't want to disappoint him and holy moly can you say transference?

In other news, the back in not much better. A little, in that I can now sit on certain surfaces, but not for long. My car seat kills my back. I'm getting a massage tonight, and I'm hoping that she can get whatever it is that's seizing up to let go. Otherwise, I'll be making a chiropractic appointment for next week. Ow.

Yeouch!

2012-01-23T08:17:00.000-05:00

As I type this, I am standing straight as a rod, with the computer resting on the top shelf of my desk. You see, I can't sit. Sitting hurts.

Lying on my side hurts.

Anything other than completely upright or completely flat hurts.

I am not used to dealing with back pain. This doesn't generally happen to me. Sure I'll get tweaks here and there, but nothing that isn't walked or twisted or popped out in an hour or so. This happened after my second-to-last massage YESTERDAY. I'm waking up with it this morning. I know it's coming from the put-together-yourself end tables I put together myself on Friday. I felt a little stiff on Saturday, but nothing that I haven't felt a million times before and easily worked out with some stretching.

I've already called off work because I can't bend. There is no way I can do five massages. I'd be out for weeks if I tried. I am hoping taking it easy today will work out whatever needs working out. But I may have to visit a chiropractor for the first time in my life.

I do not find the irony in this happening the week before my vacation. I have obviously burnt myself out to the point where an injury like this could happen. I also do not find it ironic that it's happening right around my sacral chakra - the one I'm always working on. I quite literally need to let a few things go in order to move forward. Or, you know, move.

But there's not going to be a lot of moving for me today. I'm already making myself a nice nest on the floor, replete with sleeping bag and bolstering pillows. Which, because I can't bend, are being put in place by subtle kicks and jabs with my foot. At some point there's going to be a steaming hot bath, and I'm seriously considering breaking out my massage table heating pad, laying it on the floor and cranking it up.

Yeah, it's gonna be an interesting day.

What Happened?

2012-01-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

Way back in the old days (meaning 2009), I was a cooking fanatic. Every Friday night, I'd comb through my cookbooks and my back issues of Vegetarian Times, looking for a couple recipes to make on Sunday. I'd eat one for lunch that week, the other for dinner. If I was feeling particularly cook-y, I'd even make a couple of my own loaves of bread. I'd write out my shopping list, wincing a little at the cost (I was buying 100% organic at the time). If it was summer, the list would be split into two categories: grocery store and farmer's market.

On Saturday, I'd do the shopping. I'd make a morning of it. I'd often start the day off with a yoga class. If t were summer, I'd go from there to the farmer's market, then off to the grocery store. If I didn't do yoga, I'd head off to Barnes and Nobles and spend the morning browsing books before heading off to one of the local natural foods stores.

Yeah... don't do that anymore.

After I quit my cushy but soul-killing job, I simply didn't have the funds to spend so much money on one person per week. As I was also going to school and working, my 70-hour weeks didn't allow me much time to pour over magazines or cookbooks, much less spend a Sunday morning puttering about the kitchen. During those nine months, I pretty much lived off bulk lentils (which were organic), rice, and conventional frozen vegetables. I'd put them in the crock pot before leaving for work Monday evenings, and come back to a soup I could eat for the rest of the week. If I bought organic anything (save the lentils), its because I found it at the local dented-can shop. I ate a lot of processed foods; I didn't have time for anything else.

But now? Now, I have the time. I have a weekend again. Which actually includes a weekend day. I have money again. Granted, not what I was making at hell job but enough for me to buy local and organic if I'm careful about it.

But mostly, I have time to cook again.

I've simply fallen out of the habit. And lord knows I'm usually too exhausted after a day of work to do much beyond turning the stove on and shoving some fries and a morning star farm chik patty in for 20 minutes. But you know what? It's just as easy after a long day to put in a homemade slice of lasagna to heat up. Much more filling, much better for me, and much more nourishing. On a number of levels.

I just need to get off my duff and start doing it.

I mean, I eat so much food as it is, it just makes sense that if I'm going to pack it away it at least be good for me. Less prepackaged fries, and more potatoes that are baked in the oven. Less chik patties and more (since I'm eating meat now) local, pasture-raised chicken that I bake myself. More beans and lentils, more veggies, less bread with more than three ingredients. Local over organic if it's a choice, organic over conventional where its prudent and cost effective. Make my own where I can.

Now that I have a kitchen I actually enjoy being in once again, it's time to start putting it to good use.

Exhausted.

2012-01-18T09:22:00.000-05:00

I started snipping at people at work yesterday. Very nice coworkers who didn't deserve it. Then I nearly started crying when I said "I'm so tired."

So yeah.... need some time off.

I took the last week of January/first week of February off. I'm going to fill the week with yoga, sleeping in, bonding with Esmerelda and possibly going up to visit my Mum. I'm not even going to think about massage for six days. It'll be grand.

I can make it... I can make it... I can make it...

Discombobulated

2012-01-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning feeling all out-of-sorts and off. Not sure what that's about. Feeling the need to hole up and be with things this morning, to give myself time to get situated and settled.

Which of course I cannot do because I live in the real world and must work for a living.

So, I have about 45 minutes to sort myself out, a little longer if you count the drive in. Luckily Reiki is instant gratification and always available to me.

Also seriously considering Nutella on my bagel. That really would make everything better, wouldn't it?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

It's Love

2012-01-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

My new couch's name is Esmerelda, or Ezzie for short. We've been spending a lot of time together, she and I. We've watched some dvds, some travel shows, folded some laundry, had a couple meals together, and even updated my recipe folder together.

I think I'm in love.

Sure, ours is a forbidden love, but I am sure that with time it will be accepted by society at large.

Oh... and apparently my shower's name is Steve. Who knew?

SQUEE!

2012-01-13T12:29:00.000-05:00

Before:

After:

Possibilities

2012-01-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

I've signed up for a few massage classes at my old alma mater. I don't think I can get continuing education (CE) credits toward my national certification but I think they'll really help deepen my practice. They're simple little things - morning classes from 9 to 12 on working the shoulder, neck and lower back. Since these are the areas that virtually all of my clients complain about, it would be nice to have a little extra something in my tool bag to address those needs. While my clients usually report they feel better after I work those areas, I sometimes feel that I'm just kinda... well, faking it a little. I think these classes will give me a little extra confidence in those areas.

It's interesting. All the additional training and classes I take deepen my practice but can't be used as "official" CE credits. Sigh. But you know what? I did the national test mainly to prove to myself that I could do it. Vermont doesn't currently require me to have it, and so long as that continues to be the case I can theoretically take whatever classes I want and let it expire at the end of its four years.

Or I can try and fit all required 48 credits into one year. Y'know... whatever.

Whoopsie!

2012-01-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend Arizona Becky has been kind enough to point out to me that it's been a while since I posted anything. EEP.

So sorry!

Things have been all whirlwindy and busy over here and I haven't stopped to type about it.

So... the couch will be delivered on Friday. I cannot wait to take a picture of it in situ and show the world that if they come over, they will have a place to sit. But kindly take your shoes off before putting your feet on the cushions. Thanks ever so.

Things are - knock on wood - still going well with the reunion with The Boyfriend. Yes, we have confirmed that we are once again boyfriend/girlfriend. Although at our age those terms seem rather odd. I just can't seem to come up with a better description. "Lovers" is too romance novely, "partners" is too business-like, "significant others"... well, we just haven't been dating long enough for that one yet. I don't think you can use that one until you start arguing like a married couple. Which my cousin Chrissy and I do, so apparently she is my Significant Other. So either Chrissy and I need to stop hanging out so much or I need a better definition of the term.

Anyhoo...

Things are not starry, moony-eyed perfection by any stretch of the imagination, but I think that's a good thing. Anything worth having is worth working for, and I think this time we're both putting the work in to make sure the third time's the charm.

I am very hopeful.

GRINZ

January 1, 2012

2012-01-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

Happy Final Year of Existence, People! Luckily, the Mayans were kind enough to at least give us the *whole* year to either live it up or screw it up.

Every year on New Year's Day, I do a tarot card reading (cards of my own design) for the coming year. I always look back at the previous year's to see how accurate the reading was. 2010's reading was waaaay off. 2011's reading was dead on. It was almost scary, actually. It will be interesting to see how accurate 2012's reading will be.

I also make "goals" for the coming year, and look back at the previous year's goals to see how I did. Success is often liberally translated, but as I never put any real pressure on myself to fulfill these "goals", it's always interesting to see how they manifest. For example, a goal for 2011 was to move to Montpelier. As I moved - period - we consider that a win.

One of my other goals for 2011 was to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with food. This was the one goal I really kept forefront in my mind all year long. It manifested as an exploration into my second chakra. Which, apparently, was way out of whack. Which, also, sounds really woo-woo but hey, love me, love my woo-wooity.

I thought I'd share with you a few of my goals for 2012. Obviously, these are not all of them as some are intensely personal and I'm not putting them on a blog. You understand. :-)

1. Find my next steps in regards to my career: I have no idea how this will manifest. However, I think that 2012 may be the year where things grow in regards to my practice. It will be interesting to see how things turn out!

2. Get back in touch with my inner Dancer: The poor girl had a tough go of it in 2011, and didn't feel much like dancing. I think she's ready for her comeback.

3. Develop a spiritual practice: I seem to be piecemeal when it comes to spirituality. I don't expect I'll join a coven or temple or anything, but it would be nice to have some sort of actual practice. Even if that means simply doing yoga in my living room every day and meditating in the evening.

4. Continue developing a healthy relationship with food: I got it started in 2011, but this is definitely an ongoing thing for me.

5. HAVE MORE FUN!

That last one should be on EVERYONE'S list!

Happy New Year everyone, and may what's right and best for you and yours manifest in your life this coming year! Namaste!

Up and Down Day

2011-12-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

This morning started off alright... did laundry. Nothing special. Took a wander around Goodwill and looked at couches. Found nothing that wasn't burn-worthy. So I came home and took care of the chore I've been dreading.

I called the gas company.

There is nothing more difficult than speaking your truth when someone is determined to protect their lie. They claimed that they didn't know they needed to come in and turn the gas on in the apartment. I don't know what part of "I need someone to come turn the heat on" didn't tip them off to that. They would not admit that they told me they'd call me to set up an appointment to turn it on, as I needed to sign some papers and they wanted me there. They tried to put it on me that I never called. Despite the fact THEY were supposed to call. Worst of all, the woman whom I was speaking to was the same person I spoke to a month ago, and she refused to admit that she goofed big time.

All they really needed to do in order to keep my business was say "Oh my god, we messed up. We're so sorry. We'll get someone over there ASAP and we'll waive the set-up fee. Our apologies."

So, I'm getting my $200 refunded and now I'm hoping like hell I didn't shoot myself in the foot by choosing electric heat. I've always been told that it's the most expensive and worst option. But when I started renting, that was back in the late '90's, before gas prices started soaring. I honestly don't think it's going to be any more expensive, especially if I keep it set at a reasonable temperature (65 degrees for me).

Sigh. I greatly dislike confrontation, and this left me shaking for a while after. I am in the right and I know I'm in the right. But I am not generally one to get up in anyone else's grill. Unless I am PMSing, in which case I usually just apologize in advance and hope I don't do too much damage.

Anywho, after that debacle I called my Mom because I needed to vent to someone. And somehow or another she convinced me to go couch shopping. So I did. And I bought this:

Click here to visit the Ashley Home Furniture site. They treated me so well there.

It's going to be delivered in a week or two, depending on whether or not they have it in stock. I'll take a picture as soon as it's in and show y'all how wonderful it's going to look in my electrically-heated apartment.

This really picked me up this afternoon. It's just what I wanted, in the color I wanted and I was able to stay within my price range, even *with* shipping! Gotta love the year-end deals!

I can't wait to get my couch!!!!

Changing Behaviors

2011-12-28T20:04:00.000-05:00

A couple weeks ago, I started noticing that I wasn't hungry a lot of the time. And that when I finally became hungry, it didn't take all that much to fill me up.

Of course, a couple weeks ago I sick but that's beside the point.

Even now, I've noticed that I stopped being hungry long before I actually stopped eating. This happens mostly in the evenings. The urge to munch and eat and stuff is almost overwhelming. But the thing is... I *know* I'm not hungry. I'm full.

I'm full right now (it's 8pm). I'm not in the least bit hungry. I ate a reasonable and tasty dinner and followed it with a couple cups of tea (with Bailey's... ahem) and I am not hungry. But all I want to do is crack open that box of Wheat Thins and dunk them in a vat of hummus.

But I'm. Not. Hungry.

I guess I'm writing this more at the moment to keep myself from eating. It'd be one thing if I was hungry and I needed a snack. But I'm not.

How long will it take for me to unlearn this awful habit of eating beyond hunger? It took me... oh, say... 37 years to develop this practice. I sincerely hope it won't take another 37 to break myself of it.

Happy Merry

2011-12-23T08:01:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone has a happy holiday season, whichever one you celebrate!

Happy Merry, everyone!

Reiki to you!

2011-12-19T08:32:00.001-05:00

If you're reading this, I'm sending you Reiki.

RIGHT NOW.

:-)

I had my Reiki II attunement this past weekend and learned how to do distance Reiki. And since reiki is all clever and imaginative I can work it so you reading this gives you Reiki. How cool is that?

While at lunch after the attunement, the three of us (me, my classmate and our teacher) started talking about future possibilities. I got turned on to the idea of combining psychology, massage, and Reiki. Been thinking about it since then. There is a wonderful school out in Colorado that offers a Masters in Somatic Clinical Psychology. Essentially, psychology of the body and mind. Which would be perfect. I, however, am not quite prepared to move to Colorado just yet. So, looking for someplace on the East Coast that would have something similar.

Do I really want to go to grad school? Not sure. Is this really the next step for me? Not sure. There are lots of things I want to do with my life, but just being turned on to the idea of somatic psychology feels like I'm getting closer to where I want/need to be. Just maybe not quite there yet.

So... things to mull over in the back of my noggin.

REIKI!!!!

;-)

Blargle

2011-12-14T09:04:00.000-05:00

I am fighting off yet another cold. WTF? I just had one. I refuse to have the winter of my massage school repeated wherein I got sick every month and a half for nine months, culminating in the be-all-end-all of bronchitis attacks.

Would *really* prefer that not happen again. EVER.

I simply have way too much to do in the next couple weeks to get sick. I mean, I haven't even started Christmas shopping yet. I should get on that. Build into that another reiki class, a birthday party, an office christmas party and a host of other social obligations... yes I have NO time to get sick.

So I'm dosing myself with liberal amounts of Emergen-C, fruits and veggies, and piping hot aromatherapy baths in an attempt to just steam it out of me. I also gave myself about an hour's worth of Reiki this morning as I dozed before the alarm went off. Boy, that made me feel pretty nifty. :-)

So yeah... no sickies for me, thank you very much!

Just call me Ebbie Scrooge.

2011-12-11T08:28:00.001-05:00

I used to adore Christmas. I have many, many fond memories from the holidays growing up. My memories are almost idyll, which is ironic because how often does that happen in real life? I mean, not every Christmas was perfect, of course. There was the year when everyone in the family was sick. Then there there was the year that my brother was two or three, and was so excited to see all the presents that he just started opening ALL of them. But they're still sweet memories. Every Christmas Eve, we'd have cookies and hot chocolate under the tree. Of course, when I was little I thought we were supposed to literally be under the tree to consume them and would scootch my little legs and hiney under as far as I could.

Yeah, good memories.

Now, I couldn't care less about the holiday. I'll pull it together in the end... I always do. And I'd really like to feel more "in the spirit." I just can't get there anymore. Don't get me wrong - I love to see all of the lights, and there's nothing prettier than a dark room with a lit tree.

But yeah... don't really care anymore.

All this rushing and scrambling for one day of intensity that's over almost before it began. The push for rampant consumerism takes any positive meaning away from the day and just leaves a sour taste behind. There is no perfect gift, and if there was I highly doubt anyone would find it at Wallyworld.

So, eventually I'll get off my bum and go out and buy things for the significantly smaller family with whom I now spend the holiday. I'll go up to my Mum's on Christmas Eve, bum around. Open presents on Christmas Day and eat a lot before heading back, as I have to work on the 26th.

How I wish I could get back into the spirit. It would be so nice to find meaning to this holiday again.

The New Place

2011-12-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

So my friends asked for pictures of the new place. Here they are! I'm not entirely unpacked yet (and am a naturally cluttered gal) so excuse the non-neatness.

My kitchen. A lovely space. Eventually there will be a table in the near right corner where you see some boxes. Yes, the ceilings really are that low.

My living room. In the near right corner there will eventually be a couch. When I have money. The door to the left is a large walk-in closet. Storage space! The heater is not currently turned on. The gas company here is a load of shite and I'm very unhappy with the (lack of) service I've seen so far. They're supposed to call me back to set up a time to turn it on. This is after they neglected to call me back after a credit check (!), DENYING my stellar credit because they didn't have the (insanely high) deposit they could have gotten had they called me back. So. I'm giving them until Friday, then I'm calling them back and asking them to refund my deposit and just stick to the electric heat which is working well and what I'm using right now anyway. Wow, this is one hell of a caption...

The bathroom. With a for-real shower. Which I'm not going to take a picture of because... well. That's just silly.

My bedroom. Say hello, Pooky.

The other side of my bedroom. I could fit another set of shelves in here, but I think I'm going to keep it simple this time around. I had so much crammed into my bedroom at the old place that I like that it's just the bed, dresser and bedside table. That door there is another closet. Oh yeah.

I'm in!!!

2011-12-04T07:54:00.000-05:00

I am officially all moved in to my new apartment. And I am *loving* it here! It only took four carloads and two truckloads to get everything over. I've got to go back to the old place tomorrow morning to clean, and then I'm DONE. I'll never have to go back to that energy suck again. YES.

I've got all the furniture arranged in a way I like - for now. I'm a notorious furniture rearranger so it'll probably change configurations many, many times. I've got a lot of it unpacked already too. Although, when you're coming from >100 sq. feet, there's really not all that much to unpack.

While I'm visiting my Mom for Christmas, I'll get a couple other items that I want. She's been holding a few things "in storage" at her place and they'll fit perfectly in my new apartment. Chief among them is a kitchen table and a coat rack. Each one originally being owned by a different grandmother.

I still need to purchase a couch, but I'm thinking that's not going to happen until January at this point. December is going to be a lean month already, what with two unpaid days off, my insurance due, and the holidays. Plus I just had to put $200 (!) worth of deposit down for the gas heat which isn't even turned on yet. There was some kind of SNAFU and they never called me back after they ran my credit. I got this letter saying I was denied and I was all WTF? because my credit is stellar. Anyway, I've got electric backup which is working nicely for now and it should be turned on soon. It better be, after 200 effing dollars.

Anyway. I am really loving it here. I'm sleeping *much* better, there's actually people my age around me, and lots of cool things are within walking distance. And! I have a full-sized refrigerator. It's a little intimidating. I went shopping Friday night to put stuff in it, and it doesn't look like I've got anything to eat. But if all that stuff had been in my other fridge, it'd be chocked full. Perspective! I also have a NEW full-sized stove. It's been so long since I cooked on a new, real stove that I'm a little intimidated. I haven't turned it on yet. Maybe I'll make the inaugural run tonight by baking some tater tots. Mmmmm, tots.

I'll post pictures soon. As soon as I find my camera. I'm fairly certain it's in one of those boxes over there. ;-)

We're a Go!

2011-11-30T08:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a slow start to work, so I was able to go over and get the keys to my new place. I can start moving things in this evening.

My car is packed with the first load, and my thighs are now all wobbly from going up and down the stairs with boxes a tad too heavy for me. I always forget how much my car holds. I've put a fair dent in the stuff already. I'm figuring maybe just three or four car loads (not counting plants, which will be the last to move) and I'll be done with the non-furniture stuff. I have a friend with a truck helping me on Friday. I'm not sure how big her boyfriend's truck is, so I'm thinking maybe three loads there, and then I'm done!

I'm beginning to believe that my goal of being moved in on Friday can be realized. Which would be really, really nice.

Fingers crossed this move is as smooth and painless as possible!

Sometimes I Miss...

2011-11-29T08:24:00.000-05:00

...going to church.

It doesn't happen very often, but every once in a while - especially this time of year - I get a little nostalgic for it. I always liked how lovely churches look all done up for Christmas, and the songs were always so fun to sing at this time of year.

I grew up very involved in our United Church (combined Methodist and Congregationalist). While I believe I've posted before that I didn't believe in God until I was five or six, once I decided I did believe I went whole hog, so to speak. I was in all the pageants, had near perfect attendance for Sunday School multiple years running, was in the junior choir though I couldn't sing, and was the go-to babysitter for pretty much the entire congregation. In my teen years, I was highly involved in something we called "Caraway Street": a kind of Sesame Street for the church. It was a large set, replete with both human and puppet characters. We had a high proportion of dramatically gifted teens in our church for some reason, and because of this it was highly popular.

I miss those good ol' days, I suppose. I had a lot of fun then. But as soon as I went off to college, I stopped going to church. I'd still make it for the Christmas Eve service when I came back, but once Dad died even those fell by the wayside. Ironically, my father's death had nothing to do with my abandoning church. By the time he died, I had long given it up and never considered going back.

I can't remember the last time I went to church. I think it was for my Grandmother's funeral. And I can remember sitting there thinking as the pastor read the sermon that I could see why people would flock to such a place, to draw any comfort they could from the words he spoke. Words I found conciliatory and hollow.

I think while I have this romantic idea (born of my younger years) of community and togetherness, the reality is that there is just as much backstabbing, gossip, and politics in a church as there is any place people get together. Because, inevitably, someone wants to be in charge, and someone else is not happy with that, and someone else is jealous of yet another person and would like nothing better than for them to get a bit of a comeuppance.

No.... I'm not jaded. Not at all.

So, while I sometimes miss going to church, I guess my point is that I stopped finding any kind of spiritual presence there a very long time ago. If I want to feel the presence of the Deity (more often of late, the one I call The Lady), I go outside and take a walk and marvel in the beauty all around me.

I've always maintained that there is more than one path for spiritual seekers and so long as it fills a need for the individual person, it doesn't much matter what the actual form takes. I know there are a great many out there who find solace and peace and Deity in their churches or religious organizations. I guess for me, I find it elsewhere. It is a solitary thing for me. I find it in nature, in meditation, in dance. I don't look without to find Deity, I look within.

Although, I still love a way a church looks decorated for Christmas.

Quickie Post

2011-11-27T09:03:00.000-05:00

Need to leave for work in 15 minutes. After spending the last four days not working, this is going to be tough. I am in desperate need of some extended time off. Again.

Mostly packed now, save fro the stuff I am using and the last little bits I just don't know what to do with. Which makes it kinda depressing here as I'm still living here through Friday. I've moved the tv back into the bedroom so I can curl up under my blankets and watch movies. On the mattresses that are now on the floor as I've deconstructed my bed.

As I've said. Depressing.

I actually went out and bought chocolate. Chocolate always helps.

Will keep you posted.

Can't wait until I have the damned keys...

By this time next week...

2011-11-25T09:04:00.000-05:00

...I'll be doing the Big Move.

My goal for today? Call the utilities. 'Cause I haven't done that yet. Actually I still don't have my key yet. I think I'm still waiting for the bottom to fall out on this, despite all signs to the contrary. I just can't believe that I've found what I want in the price range I want in the general area I want.

Who is that lucky?

So, yeah. I keep waiting for the Landlord to call and say "Sorry. I've rented it to someone else. Here's your check back."

Positivity is the key here. I need to not wait for the bottom to fall out, because if I keep doing that it will. So I just need to keep on like I believe everything is fine.

And it will be.

Stuff

2011-11-20T17:10:00.000-05:00

1. It's 4:54pm outside and already pitch-black. It feels more like 8:30. Except it's barely 5. It's screwing with my head, it is.

2. I always pick the most inopportune times to move. Not only have I chosen to move the same weekend as a show - one that is a solid 2.5 hours away from here - but I also am not taking any time off, the 1st is a Thursday and as such no one will be able to help me until Saturday, AND there's this pesky holiday this week so all the days I'd normally have to take care of details (like heat and gas) are essentially cut in half. Why can I never do anything the easy way?

3. Speaking of never doing anything the easy way, I'm on the road towards getting back together with the Ex that broke my heart earlier this year and lead me to post all kinds of pathetic things that must have drove all of y'all crazy. It's an exceedingly long story and everyone I know pretty much thinks I'm making a mistake. Maybe I am. But I've got to try. And - more to the point - he's trying. He really is. He apologized and he's doing what it takes to convince me that he understands what a huge mistake he made. We shall see. The heart wants what it will, for better or worse.

4. I bought wine to go with dinner this evening. I packed the wine glasses five days ago. I am drinking the wine out of a coffee mug. Oh yeah. And I'm proud of it.

5. The fire alarm in the empty apartment next door is beeping. I am assuming this is a different fire alarm than the one that already received a fresh battery courtesy of moi two months ago. I flat out refuse to do it again. Mainly on principle but also because I have no more 9-volt batteries. The first alarm took my spare. I notified the Landlady's daughter on Friday morning mainly because I know the Landlady can't hear it and would probably just ask me to do it anyway. It's Sunday evening and the damned thing is still beeping. This reminds me of the time I lived in Waterbury and the people in the apartment next to me let the damn thing beep for six freaking months. I am not exaggerating. I refused to let it get to me though. Eventually I stopped hearing it and it was a week before I realized that they'd moved out and the Landlord (bless his heart - he was a good landlord) replaced the battery.

6. I cannot wait for the day when I no longer have to hear a whiny "Kaaaaaaaate?" hollered up the stairs because the Landlady needs something.

7. Man, I have turned into Bitter Betty living here. Going to give myself a massive Reiki dose this evening. Speaking of, I'm working on getting my Level 2 certification sometime in December. Looking forward to this as I think it will really expand my energetic healing horizons.

I think that's it. All the randomness not fit to print but lucky you I did it anyway.

Moving Sucks.

2011-11-17T11:00:00.000-05:00

Being in a new place? Fun.

Having enough room for two people to be in the same place at the same time? Fun.

Shopping for a couch? Fun.

Packing? Not fun.

Trying to figure out the order and timing in which to open a PO Box, change addresses on all my stuff, cancel and start accounts with various utilities? Not fun.

Being all settled and cozy in my Li'l Hobbit Hole? Priceless.

Will be all moved in as of December 3rd, although I'll be bringing the smaller stuff in piecemeal as soon as I get the keys (hopefully before Thanksgiving). Will have until the 11th to finish cleaning the old place. It shouldn't take too long once everything is out.

I just wish I could blink my eyes and magically move everything over there with no fuss and bother.

That would be nice. :-)

Grrr....

2011-11-12T08:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I informed the landlady and her daughter that I'd be moving out at the end of the month. I wrote a note to the landlady... who knows if she actually read it or not. Her daughter got my email, though. Sorry to see me go, did I know of anyone who wanted the place? Um... no. All of my friends have seen this place and have listened to me complain about it ad nauseum. So no.

Then she mentioned that technically I was supposed to give 30 days notice. Well, fuck. I gave 20. It's a month to month. I've been a great tenant and I've gone WAY above and beyond in helping your mother out. God forbid you let a few days slide. So I offered to pay a per diem rate for those days in December, minus the time I spent with her Mother. It's not like I'm going to be here for them anyway.

I'm still going to move out as soon as I get the chance. Just because you insist on me paying through the 11th does not mean I actually have to be here for it. And considering how "picky" your mom is being in getting tenants for the apartment across the hall, I highly doubt you'll be getting anyone for this place in the near future. Technically, I think the landlady is violating a few fair housing laws in regards to who she's willing to rent the space to, but try telling that to an 80-something lady who has refused to come into the 1990's, let alone the 2000's.

If I have to put off moving the majority of my things until December 3rd I can. I mean, I have a show that night but it wouldn't be the first time I moved on a show date. Hell, it wouldn't be the second time, either. It can be done. I can start moving smaller carloads on the 1st to be sure. It's only the big stuff I'd really need help with, like the mattresses and furniture. And technically it would give me plenty of time to clean the place. It's not like the landlady will be around anyway - she'll be leaving the week of Thanksgiving to spend the winter at her daughter's.

I can make this work. I'm a little peeved that they're going to split hairs about this, but I can make it work.

My new place has space for a couch! I've got one I'm keeping my eye on. I hope the store delivers.

Thank you, Universe!!!

2011-11-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

I have a new apartment!!!!!!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!! I'll be moving for the first of the month, so round about December 1st. As that's a Thursday and the apartment is currently empty, I'm hoping the landlord will be flexible and let me move in the weekend before. I want to be out of this place as soon as humanly possible.

The new place is ten minutes away from work, cutting my commute down by 20 minutes. It is about the same price (+$25) with literally twice the space. Full-sized everything. The ceilings are way low, but as it stands now that's about the only downside.

This is so what I need. And if things hold, I'll be able to move before the weather gets truly bad (knock on wood).

Thank you, Universe!!!!!!

New Beginnings

2011-11-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

This past Thursday evening, I experienced catastrophic hard drive failure. As in, when the techie called me after dropping it off for servicing, he said that the computer wasn't even reading as having a hard drive installed.

Yep.

I have a hard drive again. And after a few false starts I am once again connected to the internet.

I have found it ironic that losing everything on the hard drive didn't phase me in the least, yet not being able to connect to the internet freaked me all the hell out. I know I should have backed up more often than I did. And I do have a back up to some things (old stories, old resumes, etc etc), but basically everything I put on my computer after 2007 is gone. Photos, the book I claimed to have started but actually worked very little on, my new business plan - which I also worked very little on -, all of my massage school assignments, choreography notes... gone.

Somehow, this is freeing.

Like, all the things that had been increasingly cluttering my internal surroundings have been taken care of for me. There is nothing on that old hard drive that I will die without. There are a few things I will miss, to be sure. But most things aren't truly gone. Photos of friends are up on Facebook, half of the book is saved right here in Blogger, to be moved and reformatted when I feel like it. The music I truly cared about was on my iPod and easily re-synched. The rest are on various cds under my bed and can be re-uploaded at my leisure.

It was not being able to connect with the people I wanted to that sent me panicking. I mean, I got in touch with the five people most likely to notice my interweb absence via phone, but really? Most of my friends either contact me via Facebook or Chat, or we're talking in person. Not having the immediate connection scared me, made me afraid that I would sink back into my habits of 10 or 15 years ago, where I holed up, alone in my apartment pretending there wasn't a life to be lived, or people to have in it.

I never want to go back there. Not ever.

But here I am. All is once again well with the world. I can communicate... to all six of you... easily.

Now... to just put myself back on this computer...

Birth Chart

2011-10-31T09:01:00.001-04:00

It's Monday morning. In about 20 minutes, I'll be heading downstairs to help the Landlady with her mail. Although, I'm not hearing her move around down there. I might end up waking her up. She just had eye surgery last week and I always feel bad when I get her out of bed. For freaking mail.

So anyway, I'm playing around on the computer drinking my coffee when I think to myself: "Self, you should get your astrology chart done!" So I did. Astrolabe does a very quick, easy, and free one. I recommend it if you're at all curious. These are the highlights of what I got (the actual "report" is 3 pages long). FWIW, I'm a Taurus:

Rising Sign is in 20 Degrees Aries
You are a free spirit and you must be first at everything you do. Very energetic, self-assertive and active, things must be done your way. Even though you may feel calm and serene on the inside, you certainly do not act that way. You want to do everything full-tilt, 100 miles per hour! A great competitor, but a poor cooperator -- you must learn how to lose more gracefully. Very self-confident, ambitious and passionate, you radiate positive energy. You are blunt and direct, but at times unfeeling and tactless, especially if anyone offers you any resistance. You fight for your beliefs, but your tendency to act first and think later often causes you much grief. I've always kind of wondered if I had any Aries in me, because, y'know, WOAH sometimes. This is a little too accurate!

Sun is in 20 Degrees Taurus.
You are known for being patient, slow moving and careful -- you love to prolong and savor enjoyable times. You appreciate and need comfort, ease and warm surroundings. Be careful of a tendency to become placid and self-satisfied and to overeat (especially sweets). You require strenuous situations in order to grow and mature properly, even though you try to avoid them. Affectionate, even-tempered and slow to anger -- when you do become emotionally upset, you are also slow to forgive and time must pass before your calm returns. You demand real results from any situation -- abstractions are very difficult for you to comprehend. Very artistic, your hands love to mold and shape things. You portray an earthy, physical sexiness that others find quite seductive. Yep, to just about all of it.

Moon is in 17 Degrees Capricorn.
You are serious and shy and very uncomfortable in those situations where spontaneous and exuberant emotional reactions seem called for. An achiever, you prefer doing practical, worthwhile things that produce tangible results. You need role models to respect, love and emulate. You tend to feel that you're a failure unless you get an important and highly respected position in life. Don't be so hard on yourself! For you, practical needs always win out over emotional considerations. Remember that you too have the right to comfort, security and love. Dutiful and patient, when you make an emotional commitment, you sign on for the long haul -- your love is long- enduring. Oh, very much YEAH.

Mercury is in 28 Degrees Taurus.
A slow and careful thinker, you like to present ideas visually and concretely. Abstractions are quite difficult for you to understand. For you, everything must be practical and useful in order to merit your attention. You are a perfectionist -- you enjoy being skillful enough to handle the dexterity required of fine craftsmanship. Cautious and conservative in your thinking, you are very slow to change your opinions. You are more apt to respond to an appeal to your feelings than to an appeal to logic or reason. Snigger... when I read that last sentence I immediately thought of my friend Alex, whom I continually frustrate with my continued disregard for logic and reason. Hi Alex!!!

Venus is in 07 Degrees Aries.
You are a very affectionate person but you hate to be tied down. You are more than willing to be the aggressor in initiating new relationships. Indeed, once you have set your sights on someone, you tend to pursue him or her ardently and passionately. But you do demand your own way in a relationship. Try to give in to your partner's needs and desires once in a while. I dunno about this one... once I set my sights on someone I do pursue, but I'm not sure if I demand my own way in a relationship or not. I actually tend to lose myself in a relationship, giving up things and bending my own self to the needs of my partner and ignoring my own. Which kinda got me in trouble with the last one. Maybe I need to embrace my inner Venus at 7 degrees Aries!

Skipping a couple...

Saturn is in 02 Degrees Cancer.
The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times. Second sentence. Oh HELLS yeah. And it's played out in my life over and over... culminating in half my family dying off between 1999 and 2007. Still working my way through that one...

The rest of it talks about me as well as my "entire peer group" and my "entire generation". So if you want those, you should get it yourself. Don't make me do all of the work here. But again, they were pretty on.

So... it's now 20 minutes later and I still think she's asleep. I know she's forgotten that I'm supposed to help her with her mail. She usually does. I could get away with not doing it at all... bad me.

Off I go.

Accomplishment!

2011-10-23T18:31:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was certified as an Usui Level 1 Reiki Practitioner. Or rather, I was attuned to level 1 so I can now use this first level of Reiki on... well... pretty much anyone and/or anything. I reiki'd my shampoo this morning. Apparently it's legit to do that. You can reiki your food too. Your coffee... pretty much anything you want to infuse with a little Universal Energy is up for grabs.

Personally, I like the idea of infusing my food with a little Universal Energy.

Today I put it in use for the first time with my clients. I also reiki'd my massage lotion. I feel like this is the tool I was missing. The Reiki, not the the lotion. I'm looking forward to eventually being attuned to Level 2 as well. I think it will only help.

I'm liking the Reiki, I've got to say!

Ohm.

2011-10-18T08:50:00.000-04:00

Do you meditate?

If so, what does it look like for you? Is it the "traditional" version everyone thinks of - legs in lotus, hands in a mudra, Sitting silently?

Is your meditation a physical one? Do you find that place of peace and silence when you're on a walk? When running? When doing yoga?

Is yours an auditory experience? Do you listen to an album and just float away? Does "monkey-mind" silence as you float off on the chords?

Is yours a mindful one? Do you find peace while going about your daily chores? Is your moment of tranquility after a busy day the solace of doing the dishes? Cooking dinner? Making the beds each morning?

How do you find peace?

It's not you...

2011-10-15T14:19:00.000-04:00

... it's me.

You get out of something what you put into it.

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

All things for a reason.

I was giving a massage a few days ago and was struggling with the fact that no matter what I was doing, I was just not getting "through" to this particular client. When I finally realized I was essentially fighting with this person, I changed tactics. I realized that the tension and holding this client was exhibiting was because - for whatever reason - it was working for them.

And almost as soon as I thought of that, I had this epiphany. As much as I may complain about various things in my life. Whatever has happened - where I am now, what I am experiencing - I placed myself in this position. The reason I cannot find my way out is because on some level, it's working for me.

I may have a job that keeps me on the edge of burnout, but I have a good weekend and I actually get holidays off. I may have a landlord about thisfar away from senility, but living here means I can stay by myself. No one can judge the way I decide to live my life. I may be alone, but this way no one can hurt me.

Again, all things for a reason.

So, if I keep saying this isn't working for me, but on some level it is, then I really need to start re-examining what is truly working for me, and what is keeping me in a safe, gilded prison.

CrazySexyRandomStuff

2011-10-10T09:06:00.000-04:00

1. Holy weekend, Batman! Busy from start to finish, but what a ride it was. My weekend is actually Friday and Saturday, and both were chocked full of events. Friday I spent a large portion of the day getting ready for Saturday, which was my friend Jay's wedding. Because the wedding was a solid 2.5 hours south of me, I pretty much needed to get a weekend's worth of errands done in one day, plus pull last minute details (like pantyhose and making the card) together.

The wedding on Saturday was amazing. One of the most fun I've ever been to, truth be told. It walked that perfect line between casual and elegant. The couple had the meet n' greet before the ceremony, so they "didn't get married in front of people they didn't know." Then the bride changed into a gorgeous retro-style dress and my brother married them. Apparently you can apply to marry people for a day in Vermont. He did a great job.

Then there was an 8-course meal that just kept coming... and coming... and coming... All of the dishes were fantastic! The dance party didn't start until nearly 10p, which unfortunately was the time I really needed to leave. I didn't finally get home until 12:45a, and I had to work on Sunday. Thank the Universe for coffee!

2. I have a shower again. Wallyworld had a hookup that I think is going to work. It's not made to be attached to the wall, but it sorta fits in the piece I have left over from the broken fake shower. So... we'll see how that works. It actually looks like it might hold together. Fingers crossed!

3. I have a set date for my Reiki 1 class. October 22nd. Very excited for it! I actually need to look into my National Certification to see if I can count it toward continuing education credits. I'm hoping you can apply to have a class count towards it even if the teacher doesn't offer it as such. I'm thinking it's kind of a long-shot since this is a money-making establishment and why offer someone CE credits if they or the teacher haven't paid to say "counts as National Association CE credits." Hope springs eternal, right?

4. That book I mentioned by Marianne Williamson is really helping. I ate out virtually every day last week. I mean, seriously - six out of seven days where one meal was either prepared in a restaurant or was an 8-course miracle. I only gained a pound. Actually, .8 of a pound. I was so thrilled I couldn't begin to tell you. I was sure I'd gained everything back.

I think the difference this time was that I was paying attention to my hunger cues. I may have eaten dinner out, but if I wasn't hungry by breakfast (and there were times I weren't), I didn't eat. I ate lighter the rest of the days because the evenings were heavy. I stopped when I was full. I did my best to order well and thoroughly enjoy what I was eating. Which meant I ate slower and realized I was full that much sooner.

I still had cake at the wedding (well, cake and a lemon bar. They had a selection of desserts from a fabulous bakery in town, with a small cake just for the bride and groom), but I enjoyed every bite and it was enough. I didn't go back for seconds. I didn't need to. Most of the courses were served family style, so if I wanted to make a pig out of myself, I could have. But I just had a little of everything. And it was enough to get a taste of delight and not feel stuffed and bloated for the loooong, dark ride home.

4. Laying low as much as possible today. I have to work my one evening shift tonight, so I'm trying to conserve energy as much as possible. After this past weekend, it's nice to not have to rush off anywhere.

Sigh... of course.

2011-10-08T09:27:00.001-04:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before (I probably have as I have like no filter here and a tendency toward verbal diarrhea), but I have no shower in my place. I have a full size tub, which is odd considering this is an efficiency and they could have made the bedroom a good 2 feet wider if they'd installed a shower stall instead of a tub but anyway.

Back in April I went to the local hardware store and bought this lovely little thing that went over the bathtub nozzle then attached to the wall at whatever height I wanted, essentially creating a shower. It wasn't the best in the world, but it did the job effectively and it was very nice to be able to take a shower and wash my hair.

It broke two days ago.

There's no way to fix it (the tubing as it attached to the "shower head" snapped clean in two and there is no way to jury-rig anything) and when I went to the store yesterday, they had no replacements. They didn't even have the original anymore. Filled with dread, I ended up purchasing something called a shampoo rinser, hoping that I could make it work with the shower attachment thingy on the wall, which is fine.

It's made for a sink.

It will NOT fit over the bathtub fixture, and it's an old fixture that's actually kind of small. I am so beyond not happy right now. Moreover, even though it was only like $8 to buy it, I don't have the original packaging or receipt so I can't even return it.

So as it stands now, if I want to wash my hair for, say... oh.... a WEDDING I'm going to later today, I have to take a bath and use the broken tube without a shower head to rinse the 'poo. And that will just work great I'm sure. I'm kind of hoping Wallyworld has something I can use (even though I hate shopping there), but there is no way I can get there and back and still be ready to leave for the wedding on time, which is a solid 2.5 hours away from me. So, for the next couple days, it's back to baths for me.

I so need a new apartment...

I'm Really Sucking at this Updating Thing

2011-10-05T22:20:00.000-04:00

I wish I had more to post... not much going on here.

Oh!

My college roommate was in town this weekend for a conference. I did a lot of hanging out with her, which was great. We haven't seen each other in like 10 years, so it was great to catch up. Best of all, it was like we picked up right where we left off. Friends For Life. Can't have too many of those!

Mostly it has been SSDD. Just keeping on keeping on. Still in my self-improvement phase. Although, I don't ever really seem to get out of that. But... I'll consider that a good thing. :-)

We're gearing up for several shows in a row again. We have one October 29th, another November 12th, and a third sometime in early December. For the first two, we'll be using the same songs as the shows are for different audiences but using the same themes (ie, dark gothy goodness). I'll be doing solos and group numbers at the first two, and just a group number in December. I think. It's actually kinda in the air. I'm pretty sure there's a show in December...

Hopefully will have something more interesting than this to post soon.

Oh and yeah. Cancer sucks. RIP Steve Jobs. You kinda sorta changed the world.

Book I'm Reading

2011-09-24T09:05:00.000-04:00

I wanted to let you all know what I've been working on/reading lately. Hopefully I'll get around to posting a review to this book, but right now I'm only doing a chapter a day so it might be a while.

I got in Border's going-out-of-business book sale for like $5, but it looks like Amazon has it fairly cheap, and even free if you have a Kindle or want to download it electronically. There is also a supporting website that you can browse here if you like.

I wanted to let you all know about this book now instead of when I finished it, just in case there was anyone out there who is struggling to lose weight that just will not budge, no matter what you try. There may be some underlying issues you need to deal with first.

Personally, I am using the book to help bring my relationship with food back into the "healthy" status. I'm still having issues with bingeing (although big bags of chips are now forbidden in my apartment) and so far this book has really opened up my eyes to a few things.

If you are struggling with a food addiction, or life trauma that has resulted in a serious weight gain, I highly recommend you try this book. In fact, she assumes to some extent that many of her readers are dealing with old traumas, including but not limited to abuse or other serious events that often cause one to gain weight in order to "protect" themselves from future abuse.

I know for me, some of the lessons don't match up exactly with what I am going through, so I have to tweak them a little to match my personal needs. But I am feeling a difference. It's slow work, but I feel like it's making a difference.

One note, this book often refers to the Divine Mind as part of its spirituality. While it does not push a Christian ethic, it does assume that God is your Divine power. If that is with whom you prefer to talk, then great! However, if that is not the case, it is a simple matter of mentally substituting your Higher Power of choice when she does mention Him. I am doing so (substituting The Lady for God), and am finding it just as powerful and effective. I think the bottom line is, if it is going to work for you, it really doesn't matter if you are surrendering your sorrows to the Great Spaghetti Monster. Just do it.

Google+

2011-09-22T17:23:00.001-04:00

After Facebook's latest round of updates, I decided that I needed to expand my social networking horizons. So, myself along with several other friends migrated over to Google+.

I'm waiting for it to not suck.

I can see its possibilities, but frankly it's not particularly user-friendly at the moment. I'm having issues finding people, and short of exporting all my contacts from Yahoo into another file and then somehow getting G+ to read it, getting my friends back is going to take a while. Also, I think a lot of the people actually want to follow aren't over there yet. I'd send invites, but.... back to the whole Yahoo issue.

Of course, when FB first started it sucked too. Then it got really good and then it started pulling a George Lucas and fixing things that weren't broke.

So, I guess I should give it some time. Meanwhile, I'm updating both now and am waiting to see which takes off and which peters out.

I'd Have Gotten Away with it too...

2011-09-16T08:42:00.001-04:00

... if it weren't for you meddling kids.

I have been having a lot of unsettling dreams the past couple months. Not nightmares, but dreams that are most definitely not fun-time romps in the woods. They've been waking me up and ungodly hours of the morning (ie, any time before 8am) and have been leaving me out of sorts for a large portion of the day. Many of them feel real enough that feelings of guilt linger long after they should.

You see, in my dreams I'm killing people.

I have had these dreams on at least three separate occasions that I remember. Once I killed someone while driving in my car and attempted to cover it up, and twice I've killed clients at work. The first dream was so deep and insidious that I'd nearly convinced myself it had actually happened. The most recent dream woke me up this morning at 5am. A scant five hours sleep and I'm still trying to convince myself not to feel guilty over something that didn't happen.

So I finally got online in an attempt to figure out what the hell my psyche is trying to tell me. I found this here:

To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.

Considering that I had a difficult client yesterday, I can see where this morning's dream came from. While I killed the same client both times (one whom I actually enjoy seeing on a regular basis and not the one I saw yesterday), I think the larger issue is "work". And yes, I do get frustrated by various aspects of work - sometimes clients and sometimes my own performance anxieties - and I can see how that could translate into something violent like this.

I also noticed this morning (because at 5am, all there is to do is think) that these dreams - so far as I can tell - started shortly after I started helping my landlady out with her mail. A couple days ago, I received a request from her daughter asking me to be more hands-on in regards to my landlady's meds, and asking if I were interested in a whole slew of other activities that while taking the onus of property management off her mother, put it directly on me.

I have put off responding to this email because, frankly, it pissed me off. She is asking an awful lot of a tenant and someone with no care-taking or medical training. I understand that she is very worried about her mother and is trying to make the best out of a bad situation, which is another reason I have put off giving her an answer. I am still trying to figure out how to say "no, that isn't my responsibility" while still respecting her needs and concerns.

The reality is that her mother cannot be trusted to dole out her own medications anymore. She gets easily distracted and confused, and I've gone down on more than one occasion to help with her mail only to discover that she hasn't taken them at all. She is always saying she is running out of them, and I can't tell if that is because she puts them in different bottles then forgets about them or if she is truly running out. Oh yeah... she reuses old pill bottles. Which is a BIG no-no.

One time I got so confused in trying to help her that I had her go see her doc/pharmacist because it was so screwed up I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Turns out someone had put the pills in the wrong bottle (I think it was her) and she took too much of one of her meds. Luckily it was caught and fixed, but that could have ended badly. I believe it was a blood thinner. One bad scrape and.... let's not think about that.

I feel extremely uncomfortable being responsible for her meds. Her daughter has written up something excusing me of any and all liability, but that doesn't prevent me from feeling horrible if something happens to her. If it has come to the point where she cannot be trusted to take her meds correctly and regularly, professional outside help needs to be sought. Relying on a good-hearted upstairs neighbor and tenant is not going to cut it.

This is a family issue, and if she doesn't want to contact the Visiting Nurses Association or another organization to help her mom out once a week, she needs to enlist family members who are still in the area (and there are more than a few) to stop by once a week to take care of their elderly relative. I feel bad for her daughter and understand the difficult position she is in, but her mother's continuing welfare is not my responsibility.

Now, how do I say all this to her in a non-confrontational manner? Oy. I hate letting people down.

And this post soooooo veered away from where I started....

I'm not ignoring you...

2011-09-14T16:54:00.000-04:00

...really!

For some reason time has gotten away from me. I had no idea it had been a week since I last posted.

Last weekend was crazy busy for me. I had a performance in a town 2 solid hours south of us. Got to see some of the massive Irene damage on the way. Scary to think that the road we were driving on actually didn't exist for like a week.

Also ended up driving past the restaurant where the ex took me for my birthday. The good news is, it didn't get washed away by Irene. The bad news is, I wasn't expecting it and driving through that whole town gave me a bit of a lurch. Good memories, baaaaaad outcome. The show itself was good. Not too many people attended it, as it was competing with a beautiful late summer evening and the local county fair. All of the other dancers made for a very enthusiastic audience though! :-)

All this was on Saturday. On Sunday, I headed up to Dreaming Mountain in Johnson for Johnson State College's Integrated Health Day. A whole bunch of alternative healers (reiki, craniosacral therapy, chiropractics, belly dance, massage, astrology, homeopathy, shamanism, meditation, and more!) gathered together to give incoming students a taste of what non-allopathic healing can do. It was a wonderful day. It was six hours of massaging (through the clothes in 20 minute sessions), and it reminded me of why I got into this in the first place. I also made some wonderful contacts, including one person with whom I hope to be trained in reiki. Here are just a few of the pics I took:

There were several Buddhas scattered across the property. This one was overlooking a small waterfall and pond.

We were on a mountain, so fall and its colors start a little earlier than everywhere else

This picture just does not do the view justice. The haze is hiding the mountains. STUNNING.

This coming Saturday I have two performances - an opening of a studio and then a benefit. I should probably listen to my song for the studio opening. It is only three days away... good thing I don't mind improvisation!

Yumbly in my Tumbly

2011-09-08T21:54:00.003-04:00

Back when I was still doing Weight Watchers – almost ten years ago now – I frequently read posts on the message boards for those who had 200 pounds or more to lose. I didn’t have nearly that much (I ended up losing 30 or so), but they had some fascinating stories and their trials and tribulations helped put many things in perspective for me.

One of the things people would occasionally post was how – for the first time in their lives – they felt hungry. Because they spent so much time always eating, they’d never let their bodies get to the point where hunger kicked in. It was a whole new way to relate to their bodies.

Several years later, Weight Watchers developed a program that could be done instead of their point-counting system. It was based more on whole foods and instead of counting points, you paid more attention to your hunger cues, eating before you became ravenous and stopping before you felt stuffed. People who needed the accountability preferred the points system, while those who needed a change or could control themselves through personal observation preferred the whole-foods system.

I know what hunger feels like. I’ve felt it, and I hate that feeling. I get anxious and desperate. I need food. NOW. And the longer I wait the more I’m going to stuff my face when I finally get to eat. If I get extremely hungry, I’ll get nauseous and it feels like my insides are eating themselves. The thing is, I don't continually eat so I never feel hunger. I feel it every day, it's the cue I use to know it's meal time. And yet, I hate it.

You know what feeling I love? The feeling of fullness. Not quite that “I are way too much at Christmas Dinner” stuffed, but most definitely full. I’ll eat more than I probably should in order to feel it. General consensus is that you should stop eating before you actually feel full because by the time you feel full you’ve already eaten too much. It takes like 15 or 20 minutes for your brain to get the message.

What is it about this feeling of fullness? What is it that is so appealing to me? It’s a hug I can give myself when no one else wants to. It’s comforting. It’s a feeling like there isn’t some big whole in the center of me, empty and gaping. It means I am well cared for, even if only I am the one doing the caring. I enjoy eating, the tastes and textures and even feelings I get as I eat something yummy. I take great pleasure in the act and the sensations.

So then it becomes the great conundrum for me when I am continually frustrated by my weight. I want to lose 10 pounds, and yet being anything less than absolutely full throws me into a state of near panic. I. Must. Eat.

So these days I’m trying to work through my frustration. If I’m going to insist on eating to fullness, then I’m trying to eat whole foods, fruits, veggies and whole grains. I’m trying to exercise even though I’m burning calories left and right at work. It’s a baby step but if I’m going to have a healthy relationship with food – something I may well struggle with for the rest of my life – I’m going to need to work on this rather important issue.

Sigh. There’s always another issue to work on, isn’t there?

Going Back

2011-09-06T09:38:00.000-04:00

While I was going to school for massage, part of the requirement for graduation was to develop a business plan. I think this is par for the course for any school who claims graduates can sit for the national tests - it's a minimum requirement of the national associations.

Anyway, while I was in school I was fresh off Hell Job, and the business plan gave me a hell of a time. I was angry at it. The idea of sitting down and writing it - and especially thinking about all of the marketing - filled me with resentment and a real bad case of the "I don't wannas". Which is not how it should be. It should be an exciting thing... you're thinking about the future after all. What grand possibilities are in store for you? What can you make of yourself?

Granted, the process sort of takes the fun out of the "what if" part by focusing on financials and minutae of reality, but that's the business world for you. Take something fun and then keep staring at it until that slinks off and you can see the bottom line.

But anyway.

In school, I ended up writing a career plan, which at the time I could see much more clearly for myself. I could see five years down the line... where I hoped to be and what I hoped to accomplish.

But here's the secret, the reason I've never been a planner, the reason I've never written any "By the Time I'm 40" lists. Because life is crazy. You can plan all you want and meet goal after goal after goal, but if there is no flexibility you're going to spend a good portion of your life struggling against the tide to meet those goals. Especially if your life could have taken some amazing turns along the way...if only you'd look up from that list. You never know where the Road of Life is going to take you, and I prefer to just go along for the ride as opposed to trying to straighten out all the turns along the way.

This morning I opened a new document... a business plan. It's not a definite. It's a what-if, to be taken out when I feel the need. To put down ideas of how to do a business my way. It may never be anything more than me playing around on a rainy morning. But it's a step I couldn't take a year and a half ago.

See... you just never know where life is going to take you.

Sigh.

2011-09-05T07:51:00.001-04:00

Why does OKCupid keep trying to match me up with guys who rock a 70's porn 'stache?

Seriously... did I accidently check something that said "love the snot catcher, please match appropriately"?

Gah!

Men, if you're reading this, the ladies do NOT like the porn 'stache. We laugh at the porn 'stache. We write derogatory blog posts about the porn 'stache, hoping that the embarrassment will force you to shave it off, thus allowing us to meet you instead of the scary thing under your nose.

Kay?

Kay.

On This Day in 2009

2011-09-02T09:21:00.001-04:00

Every once in a while, if you look at one of your Facebook sidebars, they have this thing where they bring up old statuses. Which is actually kinda of creepy if you think too hard about it, but also kinda of cool. For example, on this day in 2009, I posted "I have a new job!"

Which got me to thinking back. On this day in 2009, I did indeed have a new job. My time at Hell Job was literally over by a day. I took just one day off in between jobs (Labor Day), before starting training for my school job.

Which means, two years ago starting next week, I started my journey toward becoming a massage therapist. TWO years ago! Where does the time go? When I first started at my current job, when people asked me how long I'd been doing it, I'd say "oh, about a year." Meaning: Well, I started learning how to give a massage at school in September, and it's September now, so... Now, when I say I've been doing it for a little over a year, I don't have to count my schooling. I really have been doing this for a year.

And who knows where the possibilities will take me? There is still so much to learn, so many places I could take this knowledge. The world is my oyster. Or, would be if I liked oysters. The world is my peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I Can't Help It... It's On My Mind

2011-09-01T19:27:00.000-04:00

My ex lives in one of the toughest hit parts of the state. From the news feeds I've been reading, his town is pretty much completely cut off. They're struggling to get the people stuck in town the basics like food and medicine.

He lives on the upper floors of his apartment building so I'm guessing he was at least okay. Although, the pavement in front of his place had been undermined earlier in the year from the heavy spring rains and had been pegged for fixing. Who know if it held. His entire parking lot could have been washed away. His step-parents also live very close to a creek and a flat-lying area.

I'm sure they are all fine - from what I understand no one has been seriously injured or killed, so I know they are all at least okay. But I am so disheartened that I am not even "allowed" to text him to see if he and his are okay. That even if I did, he would never respond so the most I would get is... nothing.

I'm sorry. But he introduced me to a bunch of really great people, and I CARE about all of them. I don't wish any of them ill and if something happened to them I would want to help. I'm frustrated that I'm just supposed to stop caring about these nice people, and that any attempts that I make to find out would be thwarted with unending, unrepenting silence.

You just don't stop caring. Well, I just don't stop caring. I can't help it. I'm not built like that.

Hurricane Irene

2011-08-29T07:59:00.001-04:00

Well, I was wrong. Irene hit Vermont, and it was like she had some kind of grudge on our fair state. There is flooding and general devastation statewide at this point. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky that I did not lose power or have to evacuate. I know that if I were living a block or two away, that may have been different.

...and yes, that's a car floating down a river.

Irene Eve

2011-08-27T08:01:00.000-04:00

Batten down the hatches, people!

To be honest, I am rather skeptical that my position in the northern half of the state is going to see the dire and destruction they are warning us to expect. After all, the only real difference I'm seeing between this and one of our Nor'easters is the fact it's rain instead of snow. Which, actually can be more destructive I guess because snow very seldom seeps into the basement causing water damage.

But still, I am torn between poo-pooing the whole matter and buying into the hype and stocking up like it's Y2K revisited.

Sigh. I'll probably buy a 6-pack of water and some canned fruit and call myself "prepared". To be honest, I'm more worried about the overly-tall, overly-whippy poplar tree outside my bedroom window. It has survived some pretty crazy weather thus far (there were time over the winter I was sure the wind would snap it), but if it comes through my bedroom window, any disaster preparedness would be a moot point because I'll be living in a hotel.

Which reminds me... I really should get renter's insurance. And health insurance. And the money to pay for both...

So anyway. If any of you readers are actually in the direct path of Irene, please be safe and more prepared than I am!

First Push Forward

2011-08-21T08:52:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I had my first date post-ex. It was just a coffee date, but it went well enough. Especially considering I got cold feet and didn't want to do it. But I followed through, so it's all uphill from here, right?

Riiiigggghhhttttt.

This was someone I met off OKCupid. Certainly nice enough and apparently I agreed to a second date. I dunno though. I just wish I could meet someone in person. Although I was talking about this exact thing with Cousin Chrissy last night and we have both come to the conclusion that we are "unapproachable" and it is not our fault. We are Morgans, you see. And our brand of Morgan Woman is... well... let's just say we don't make it easy for ourselves.

Yeah, we're a smart bunch.

So, apparently I need to work on making myself more approachable.

Wow... I really need a lot of work done. I'm like my car. Reach a certain point and things start needing replacing. Guess I'm lucky it's just my approachability and not my transmission! ;-)

Interesting.

2011-08-15T14:07:00.000-04:00

I need to stop saying that I'll "never" do something. Because whenever I say that, sooner or later I end up doing exactly that.

I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND MY LIFE PARTNER.

Watch that one be the one that doesn't work.

Anyway.

A few weeks ago I gave my cousin Chrissy a massage at her place. She kept asking me why I wasn't doing that as a business. Then today, I gave another massage to someone who got in touch with me through my yoga teacher. In lieu of payment I received some lovely fair-trade turquoise earrings and a handmade Indian scarf. The other day, my friend's sister asked if I wanted to do 20-minute massages as part of an integrative medicine workshop/conference/thingy next month, where I would have the opportunity to hobnob with many people working in alternative health fields. FUN.

The thing is, the more I do massages outside of my workplace, the more I'm enjoying them. As much as I'm getting burnt out giving massageaftermassageaftermassage in a dark room with no time in between and hardly any break, I feel freedom in setting up my table in someone's living room while the dog or cat investigates my linens. I'm free to give them the full hour, or to run a little late if I need to. I think that people relax more in their own setting, and I encourage them to pick their own music, as they know best what relaxes them musically. I feel like the energy flows better and that everyone (me included!) lets go and enjoys the moment much more fully.

The idea of actually owning my own business petrifies me. The tax situation alone is the main, gigantic reason I don't do it. I mean, I know enough to hire an accountant and to keep track of mileage and receipts and everything but....

WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH?

I dunno. It just seems that the Universe is putting this out there as a possibility. I'm not making any huge leaps one way or the other, but I am noticing it. I'm taking advantage of the opportunities it is placing in front of me, but I'm kind of waiting to see what actually ends up manifesting.

Holy crap. A business of my own? Eep.

Dragging my feet, but...

2011-08-13T08:05:00.001-04:00

It's been about a month and a half since I got that last text. Our relationship lasted approximately 3 1/2 months.

It's really time I pick myself up off the ground and move on.

I'm working on it, really I am. Trying to move forward even though deep down I'm still waiting for him to come to his senses and apologize. Or at least give me some kind of reason.

Yeah, probably never going to happen.

So, I've signed up for OKCupid. I was on there briefly on Thursday, got cold feet and took my profile down, then put it back up yesterday. The first couple dates are probably not going to go well at all. But like my cousin Chrissy says, I need to get back out there.

I gave my everything to someone who, for whatever reason, decided it either wasn't good enough or he simply didn't want it. I'll freely admit that I did not exactly put my best food forward once things started sliding. But what is done is done on both sides, and apparently it is for good. I don't think there could be any other outcome at this point.

So it's time to move on to someone who wants to be with me, who isn't afraid of being with me, and who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Because, that's really what I want. A Life Partner.

Is that such a bad thing to want?

Moving On is Tough to Do

2011-08-12T09:17:00.000-04:00

The other day I tried to get onto a dating site and maybe start the process of moving on. I lasted 24 hours on it before I realized that the idea of meeting anyone and talking to them in person made my heart just sink.

So... guessing I'm not ready for that.

Managed to get through all of yesterday though without crying once. Yay, me!

I'll get there. Sooner or later I'll get there.

Untitled

2011-08-11T18:49:00.000-04:00

After the blackest midnight
comes the dawn
the first brightening
that gives hope
that warmth and light
are near at hand
But all I see is darkest night
No stars, no moon
no hope
that there is anything
to burn away the darkness
You were my light
my stars, my moon
my breaking dawn
You were my greatest hope
realized

Creating.

2011-08-08T09:34:00.000-04:00

I guess one of the good things to come out of this whole broohaha is that I've been creating again. I stopped for a long time - not really sure why. Didn't feel like it? Other things to do? Who knows?

My preferred method of creating lately seems to be collaging. There is something very cathartic about ripping up a magazine. Second to that is painting. I prefer acrylics, simply because I am lazy and they make painting (and cleaning up) easy. No turpentine for this gal.

Anyway, I thought I'd share them with you. I'm warning you, most of it is schlocky and obvious and would probably fail me out of art school. Also, the quality of the images is not the best, mainly because I have a very difficult time centering and leveling anything. Everything I do veers off to the left...just a little.

I guess I'll go with the ones that don't have anything to do with the break-up first:

Give Bliss A Chance

Kindness Grows

Gaia Provides

The first two were the first attempts I made at collaging... back in late June, I think. The breakup hadn't officially happened yet but things weren't going well. Obviously I was reading a lot of Eastern philosophy magazines. The painting I just did a few days ago. I've been doing a mental visualization at work the last week where I'm pulling energy from the Earth while I do massages. I'm getting a boost and the client is still getting energy, but I'm not wiping out my already low sources. It's working.

Ready for the teeny-bopper, over-dramatic, I'll never get over you stuff? Fair warning, there's a lot more that...

Sorrow, Nicely Wrapped

This is actually one of my favorites. Also the first time where I started playing with the notion that it didn't just have to be images ripped from a magazine. I'm maybe a little too proud of that bow.

Summer Heartbreak

The text in the center is a refrain from the Mumford & Sons song White Blank Page: Tell me now/where was my fault/in loving you/with all my heart?

I Deserved Better Than That

This is another one of my favorites. That is actually a Death Eater mask, and the whole lot of nothing he's "speaking" is from some beauty product swirling in water. The background is from an old psychology textbook I ripped apart.

My Love for You Grew and Shone in the Darkness

Schlocktastic, yes. Leave me alone. I liked painting it.

Deconstructing Something Beautiful

This started out as something completely different. I didn't like the way it looked, so I started ripping off the pictures in the hopes I could re-use the canvas. After I did that, the stuff along the sides and a big empty spot was in the middle and I liked that better. Who knew?

Betrayal

Yeah... I did this one last night. I was kinda drunk when I did it. Obviously, seeing Him on the bike path the other day did not do me any favors.

So Effing Angry.

2011-08-07T08:13:00.000-04:00

I had started to find a way to move on, to move past. The changing of the months represented something for me, a new beginning. I could finally start to let go of the pain and confusion and frustration that followed me through July.

But then you just had to go and flaunt your presence, didn't you? You HAD to know that if you rode your bike on the bike path, we'd see each other sooner or later. I'd already seen your brother twice. And can I say... awkward?

Once again I'm back where I was, left here stewing in my frustration and anger, knowing that you are a mere two blocks away and you don't care a fat rat's ass about how you continually hurt me.

You are REALLY not the man I thought you were. That man would never be this cruel.

Well, now THAT was unexpected...

2011-08-06T14:51:00.000-04:00

(warning, I'm in a swear-y mood here...)

I decided to take a walk down to the waterfront today. I've been meaning to do that since I moved here, and I just never got around to it/was too lazy to go through with it. But I decided today was the day. It's a good 3 mile walk one way. I can take the bike path the entire way and it's a beautiful walk.

So, I slathered on as much sunscreen as I could manage, stuck a few dollars in my pocket so I could buy some water when I got there, and headed on out. I was halfway down to the waterfront - maybe not even - when guess who rides by on a bike? That's right...

HIM.

He who dumped me via text and still has yet to give me any reason why he decided our previously good relationship needed to end.

The fucker.

We definitely made eye contact, although with my hat low and my sunglasses covering half of my face, it was a crapshoot if he realized who I was until after he passed. I sure as hell recognized him. And boy was I shocked. What I should have done was turn around and yell "You Bastard!" to his back. Luckily for him 1) I am not that kind of girl and 2) I was simply to shaken to do anything about it. So, after pulling myself somewhat together, I whipped out my phone and texted him: "I saw you".

So yeah. He's busted. He knows I know he's in town, he's two blocks away, and that he's being a chicken-ass pussy. All he has to fucking do is give me a damned reason - any reason at this point - so I can have some damned closure. But noooooooo. He's too wrapped up in himself to do the right thing.

Bastard indeed.

After I texted him, I continued on my walk. I went down to the waterfront, bought my water, and since I was all sweaty and disgusting, decided to forgo actually doing anything and came home. I had a shower, a lovely lunch made almost entirely of all local things and read a little. Planning on going to the movies later this afternoon to rent out some air conditioning.

We're going to consider this unexpected event a win in several ways:
1. I did not burst into tears as soon as I saw him
2. I did not let him derail my plans
3. I did not act like a harpie, but did acknowledge that what he was doing was not okay
4. I'm more angry than depressed

This is my territory, damn it. If you're going to be a dick to me then at least have the courtesy of doing it from your own house two hours away. I should not have to worry every time I leave the house that I'm going to bump into your family, let alone YOU.

This is a mess of your own creation, so CLEAN IT THE FUCK UP.

It's My Friday

2011-08-04T08:46:00.000-04:00

:: Happy Dance! ::

Okay, so technically it is Thursday, but this is my last day of work for the week and I am HAPPY about it! It's a fully booked schedule with at least one client that is thoroughly going to test me in regards to my deep tissue abilities (you know, the abilities I believe I've lost and am feeling all self-conscious about).

But after that.... FREEDOM!

Not really anything major planned for the weekend, but I'm looking forward to it. Which is a nice change of pace. The St. John's Wort tea is working for me. I've been drinking a cup in the morning before work and again once I get home, and I definitely seem to be in a better mood. Been doing my best to eat minimal sugar and processed foods and to get outside and take a walk at some point during the day. It's all helping. Whether that's me projecting or everything actually working is up in the air. Frankly, I don't care which so long as I feel better.

For every day that I feel better, it is less likely that I'll slip back. I still feel the sorrow; I'm sure I will for a while, but I'm able to find the good things around me again. And there are many. So... slipping back is no longer an option. Moving forward, however, is.

Yeah, So...

2011-08-02T17:23:00.000-04:00

Kinda thinking I'm a little bit depressed here.

I know. You're all shocked.

But it really hit me this morning that maybe things aren't quite what they ought to be. Most of it is break-up related I know, and will fade with time. But it's something I need to watch to make sure it doesn't develop into anything more severe.

I'm positive it's not serious, or chronic, or anything like that. I think just the fact that I'm able to recognize and name it and do something about it on my own is pretty indicative that it isn't a permanent state for me.

I've gotten some St. John's Wort tea, and I'm going to be more careful in regards to what I eat: fruits, veggies, whole grains, minimally processed foods, and going to try harder to get myself moving at least once a day, even if its just a walk to the next block.

My friends have been a wonderful resource for me. They've been so helpful and understanding. Especially since they (and you!) are probably getting sick to death of my woe-is-me pity party. I'm doing my best to get past this, really I am. But unfortunately that takes time.

Thanks for your patience, everyone.

Synchronicity

2011-07-31T08:37:00.001-04:00

My posts have not been very upbeat and perky lately. I am still struggling, and while I keep on keeping on I think it is going to be a good long while before I am truly past this. And I found to my great dismay last week that if I "fake it until I make it," I end up crying hysterically on a coworker's shoulder and not able to function at all. So at this point I'm just trying to be with it and function at the same time. Which is not the easiest place to be, but here I am.

Anyway, I wanted to post this. I found it in a recent Yoga magazine. I'd post a link, but unfortunately the magazine itself has been recycled and a google search on the article came up with nothing. So... if anyone knows the actual link, please let me know! This is just an excerpt from the article. Most of it is here, I just didn't want to type all of it.

10 Tips for Finding Your Path to Synchronicity

by Allan G. Hunter

(originally published in Yoga Magazine [?], pp 86 and 87)

1. Keep an open mind and observe what you feel.

2. Work with what arrives. It might just be that the annoying 9 year old who is trying to tell you something has real, useful information for you.

3. Have faith that there is a bigger picture. The forces of synchronicity sometimes take time, but they always bring forward what they need to.

4. You will be tested along the way.

5. Be kind and act with purity. No action is so small that it doesn't have a consequence, and believing otherwise is an invitation to dishonesty.

6. Synchronicity will not proceed as we expect. That's because it operates according to a larger plan we cannot fully understand. So don't become dismayed if it looks like things aren't going according to your plan. You're not in charge of the Universe. There's another plan. Respect it.

7. It's not about you. Synchronicity does not exist to make you comfortable without your effort... We all have parts in this, there are no passengers.

8. Keep your eyes and your heart open. The more you become attuned to what is happening the more opportunities you will see opening before you, even if some of them look like hard work.

9. Enjoy the ride. Once we let go of the need to try and force things along, we can relax and see the beauty of our situation.

10. Express gratitude.

Well, that was a load of fun...

2011-07-27T08:03:00.000-04:00

I had an emotional breakdown at work yesterday morning, before I ever saw my first client. Someone made the mistake of asking me what was wrong, and I just burst into tears. I could not stop crying.

I managed to pull it together for my first two clients (luckily by the time the second one arrived, they told her that I didn't feel well), and the wonderful front desk ladies cleared my schedule for the rest of the day so I could go home and take care of myself.

I did some movie watching, eating (nachos and cookies, yo), and actually a lot of creating. I also pulled myself together enough to go to my dance class, which is a balm in and of itself. A small group of amazing, supportive women who had me laughing hysterically was exactly what I needed.

I am not back to myself today. I can still feel the... lowness... is the best way to describe it. Although, I think the odds of me bursting into tears and scaring the crap out of my coworkers has gone down considerably. Still, I have a full work schedule today and I need to get through it to my three-day weekend. I wish it was a weekend with no responsibilities, no drains on my time, because that is truly what I need most. Right now, I need to not have anything asked of me. I simply can't follow through. I have so thoroughly depleted myself that I truly have nothing left to give at the moment.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get through this day with nothing to give. I mean, I can only fake it for so long with caffeine, sugar, and other such legal "props" that keep a person going when they shouldn't.

I'll get through it.

I always get through it.

I really need someone else to be the strong one for a while, so I can be the one to collapse for once.

I'm so tired.

Yesterday was not a bad day.

2011-07-26T08:27:00.001-04:00

I keep telling myself that. Good things happened yesterday. Good things that should outweigh the bad things. But the bad things are the ones that keep niggling, aren't they?

I had someone tell me last night (or rather, tell me through someone else) that I gave them the worst massage they'd ever had, and five minutes into it wished that it would just be over.

Now, if that isn't a blow to the old ego, I don't know what is.

I am still reeling from that, although not as bad as I was last night. It was kind of the last in a long line of straws on a day that just never took off the way it should have.

Then this morning my Notes from the Universe told me that I invited this criticism into my life. Great. Just... great.

Maybe not untrue, but not exactly what I wanted to hear before my first cup of coffee was finished. The truth is, I've been surprised for a while now that I haven't gotten more criticisms like this. I've been doing my best when I can, but I haven't been emotionally present. I've done my best to give my clients what they deserve to have, but it's hard to give when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel of your own emotional reserves.

I am emotionally tapped out. I've got nothing left to give anyone at this point, and I've still got two days to go before my 3-day weekend, and even then I have responsibilities I must tend to while I'm "off". I slept nearly 10 hours last night and while I slept LOADS better than I have in days, I'm still physically exhausted too. I'm tapped out emotionally, physically, mentally... I've got nothing left people.

I was going to take a respite at my mom's for three days, but that is currently not an option for reasons I'll not post here. What I really need is to find a solitary cabin by the water and hole up in it with books, movies, wine, and NOTHING ELSE. I can just sit by the water and let it soothe the edges.

I guess I'm going to have to settle for area parks by the lake instead, and just pretend I'm the only one there. In between all the other stuff I have to do while I'm on my "break."

Sigh.

Book Review: French Women Don't Get Fat

2011-07-25T08:27:00.000-04:00

My friend Marie asked me this weekend if I read anything for fun anymore. You'll all be happy to know I read a Nora Roberts book this weekend.

So there.

I picked this book up from the library because I'd always wanted to see what she had to say, but never wanted to actually spend the money on it. Best of both worlds!

I expected it to be just what it sounded like: gimmicky, pointless, based on nothing of value. Thankfully it was better than my expectations. I mean, it's not the Next Great Masterpiece or anything, but it was engaging and fun to read. And quick; I got through most of it in one evening.

The author is French, but spends most of her time in America. She speaks a great deal of her own experiences - traveling to America the first time as an exchange student and gaining weight, then gaining even more when she went to university in Paris. She lost the weight with the help of her kindly family doctor and has kept it off ever since. After seeing so many of her American friends struggle, she decided to "pass on" the "secrets" French women have used for eons to retain their slender forms. It's not meant for people with a lot to lose, but rather those of us (waving hand) who seemed to have found themselves with an extra bit of weight and not sure how it got there (break up, filling ensuing void in heart with dip and bags of chips).

Really? Most of it is common sense. I think it is all things our grandmothers knew: simple tricks to keep the weight off. But somewhere along the line, all of those tricks were lost. The Standard American Diet took hold with its processing and HFCS and this and that, and suddenly common sense went out the window.

Drink lots of water. Eat more fruits and vegetables. If you want dessert, don't eat the bread. If you want the bread, have a piece of fruit to finish the meal instead of dessert. Keep a diary of everything you eat for a couple weeks, then look back and see where you can make changes. Substitute something healthier where you can, and don't bring anything into the house if you can't control yourself (Ahem. Potato chips.) Take a walk after dinner. Shop locally, shop often, make your own food.

Very simple, common sense things. But things few of us do. She never proposes cutting anything out of the diet, just limiting things like sugar to occasional treats. Which is at is should be. If you can't live without your daily chocolate, find the absolute best you can afford and every day "treat" yourself to one square. The thing is, if you go for quality (which she advocates) a little goes a long way. You don't need the entire bar, because there is more taste in one square of the good stuff than a whole bar of the bad.

It is a little gimmicky; she likes to pepper little french phrases in to prove that she is from The Continent, and her urbanite tendencies definitely shine through (New York and Paris, is there any place else to live?). If you can get past that the book isn't half bad, considering. The recipes she includes look pretty good and she has since developed a website if you want to download them yourself.

I couldn't help but flash in certain places to Michael Pollan. I can't remember which book it was (perhaps both), where he said that America has no real food culture and that is one of the basic reasons why we're all so fat. She didn't say that in so many words, but I thought as I was reading that pretty much everything she was suggesting underscored this idea. The French remain thin despite butter, despite choice cuts, despite drinking wine with every meal and not "exercising" (although I think you will find most Europeans move more over the course of their day than any American). The French enjoy their food; they aren't afraid of food. Every morsel is to be enjoyed to its fullest. And if you have a few too many bites one night, you have a few fewer the next. It's all about balance, something we say we advocate in America, but really don't.

I wouldn't recommend this book for everyone; if you have more than say 30 pounds to lose (her number from the book), you may need more help and support than this can give you. But if you've already taken off the weight, or like me have found weight creep on with no real idea how it got there (potato chips), this book can give you some basic tools to help it creep right on off. They are simple, basic tools to help get through life without actually dieting anymore; things our mothers should have passed down from their mothers, but somehow got lost instead.

Which sounds pretty damned good to me.

Amazing Dream Last Night

2011-07-20T07:35:00.001-04:00

Last night, I had this amazing dream (if you couldn't tell from the title of this post). I was in this magic shop with my brother of all people. It was one of those wonderful, eclectic shops full of hodgepodge that you could spend days going through. A little cluttered, a little dusty, but full of light and possibilities.

On of the shop's owners called me over and started telling me about my life as it stood at the moment, and what was happening. She was dead on, to the point where it was eerie. The ironic thing was I kinda sorta knew I was dreaming, but it felt like I was getting Information. Like this was real. Like the magic was palpable and I needed to Pay Attention.

It was one hell of an experience.

Pity I can't remember a DAMNED thing that woman said.

Sigh.

All I remember is something about dragons (good, I think... like maybe they'd be helpful) and that the Devil has taken an interest in my love life. Which would explain a LOT.

So... either hoping that more comes to me throughout the day or I need to be on the lookout for guiding dragons and Devils trying to make things worse.

Oooooookkaaaaaaaayyyyyyy...

Doritos are a fun, addition to your healthy-eating goals!

2011-07-19T09:23:00.000-04:00

Not.

At least they were the "baked" variety.

Yeah, so Sunday started off pretty okay for me but deteriorated by the time I got home from work. Let's just say far too many baked doritos and 2/3 of a bottle of Alice White Chardonnay were consumed. By me. Alone. In front of the TV. With Stargate SG-1 Season 10 on continuous play.

So.

The doritos and wine and now gone (for better or worse) and we're going to try to pick up that goal I had of eating simply and healthfully this week. I'm thinking I'll just make the kitchari in the crockpot instead of on the cookstove. It's just been too damned hot to cook.

And doritos are so damned tasty...

You know what goes out the window...

2011-07-16T08:38:00.000-04:00

... when the guy you're head over heels with suddenly calls it quits for no apparent reason?

Healthy eating habits.

Although, I must say I've done a lot better this heartbreak around than I have in years past. Yes, there has been more chips n' dip than there should have been (my weakness and crutch), that bag of m&m's lasted longer than I thought but not as long as it should have, and I've drunk enough diet soda to drown an ox. But overall, because of the heat and the time of year, my comfort foods have been homemade grinders (subs for you not in New England) and black raspberries that I picked myself on my morning walks.

But of course, when you eat three homemade grinders in one day, it doesn't matter how healthy the ingredients or how much smaller they are than store-bought. You still over-did it.

So, for the next few days I'm going to pare things down and eat a bit more simply. I'm digging out a couple recipes I used back during the cleanse and will be eating off those for a few days. I am NOT in any way, shape or form doing the cleanse. I'm not emotionally prepared or willing to do that at this point. But I can tidy things up a bit and undo some of the chips-n-dip damage.

I'll be heading down to the farmer's market in a couple hours to stock up on yummy summer goodness with which to make these recipes. As they are winter recipes and it is of course, summer, I'll be tweaking them a bit to reflect the gorgeous produce available right now. But the goal here isn't to hose out my insides and completely readjust my doshas; just maybe wipe the dust off a few things to pretend we cleaned for our visitors.

I'm also going to start re-integrating yoga into my life. When I was going through Hell Job, it really helped support me, ground me, and gave me a release from the complex emotions swirling around. I find that once again I am needing its grounding support, and I am blessed that I have the flexibility of working it into my schedule twice a week. So that is what I am going to start doing. The plus of this is, if I decide to move forward with the teacher training next year, I'll be more physically prepared than I am right now. But at the very least, I'll have someplace where I can go twice a week to find peace.

What is there?

2011-07-15T20:34:00.000-04:00

There is only this moment.

In this moment, I sit typing. I am tired. I have had an amazing day. I took a walk in the morning hours and harvested some berries for my own breakfast. I went out shopping and actually stayed on my budget. I made plans for healthy meals for the next few days. I attended an amazing yoga trance class this evening and lost myself in the music. My heart opened wide and the energy flowed in.

In that moment, there was peace.

In this moment, I am alone.

There is only this moment. And the next, and the next. I cannot change what was in moments past, and I cannot tell what will be in the moments to come.

All there is, is this moment. Right here, right now.

And, for the moment, it will have to be enough.

Staying Afloat

2011-07-13T08:42:00.000-04:00

I want my boyfriend back. Have you seen him? Tall, blond, most gorgeous smile you'll ever see. Best hugger you'll ever meet. If you happen to see him, send him home, will you? I miss him terribly.

Sigh.

Yesterday was a fairly good day for me. Work went well, and I met up with my dance friend and actually worked on some new choreography. It felt good to dance again, even in this heat and humidity. We're working on a new piece we'll be performing twice in the fall. We're dancing to Faun's Rhiannon. Full of bagpipes and drums. I foresee lots of 3/4 shimmies in my future...

Last night was a bad night for me. There were lots of tears, lots of anger, frustration, confusion, and mostly just a lot of pain. Lots of I wishes, and why's, and I don't understand's.

So, I'm only doing a half-day at work today. Maybe less, depending. I need the money, but through all of this I've scheduled myself so I'm never alone for very long; I always find a way to be out and among people. Maybe what I really need is a self-indulgent, stay-in-bed-with-the-covers-over-my-head day so I can get it out of my system.

The hard part is, I don't want him out of my system.

Good Deeds

2011-07-12T08:06:00.000-04:00

Last week my landlady's daughter got in touch with me. She wanted to know if I was willing to help out her mom once a week, to check her mail and to make sure bills got paid, and to make sure she was remembering to take her medications. Real simple stuff, but if I agreed to do it I'd get a reduction in my rent. As I already had suspicions my landlady needed some help, I agreed.

My first session with her was yesterday. She had a huge pile of mail and whatnot that totally overwhelmed her. It took us nearly two hours to go through that stack, weed out the bills needing payment, and file away the statements. I ended up filing the statements myself, mainly because she had someplace she needed to be and it would have taken another 30 minutes if she'd done it.

The medicine was another fiasco. She was out of two medications. One of which I'm not sure if the company forgot to send or if she forgot to order. It could go either way. I made sure I was there when she called the company to check on it, then her daughter when she needed more help.

My landlady is so lonely. She's down there all by herself and her family is so spread out that they rarely come to check in on her. She's not really able to maintain the house like she used to, and she knows it. She gets frustrated that her memory is shot all to pieces, and she misses her husband something fierce. Still, after 20 years she tears up when she recounts how he died.

I came upstairs after I was done and wrote a long email to her daughter. I think she has already decided that my landlady will be living with her permanently come winter, but she needs to know that things aren't entirely as good as they should be now.

After I sent that email, I went into my bedroom and cried my heart out. That poor, lonely woman.

Whoah, Nelly!

2011-07-08T08:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday after work I got a massage from one of my co-workers. It was a very needed massage, between all the work I've been doing and the emotional upheaval I've been experiencing. When he asked what I was after for the massage, I listed the physical things I wanted attended to, as well as "peace and comfort." He offered to do some reiki, and I thought that would be a nifty idea.

Hoo Boy was it ever.

Everyone experiences energy transference in different ways. Some people will see it, some people can feel the energy moving, some people sense warmth, and some people will feel nothing at all. Generally, I'm in that last category. The key is to understand that while you might not be feeling it like you think you should, things are still working and your best bet is to just be open to it.

My first indication that I was truly feeling the reiki wasn't until about the halfway point of the massage. After doing some neck and shoulder work, he did some energy work while gently holding my head. It was subtle and at first I was just enjoying the gentleness of it. Then I got a woosh of feel-goodness. That's really the only way I can describe it. I just suddenly felt happy, that everything was going to be okay. That everything was okay.

The second indication that I was in the middle of some serious energy work was when he did some reiki over my solar plexus/second chakra. For those of you not in the know, those two areas essentially cover most of your belly area. Anyway, when he started work there, I could feel warmth radiating through his hands and into my chakra. It was intense. I mean, his hand are relatively cool, so the fact that I felt the warmth through a blanket and sheet and that it permeated my core was pretty intense.

After that, I was in a deep state of relaxation. By the time he got to my feet, I was having visions of sunlight dappling through trees, and gardens with flowers and a lovely green lawn... I have no idea where this wonderful place is but it was beautiful and peaceful. I was zoned. Heck, I think at the end of the massage I was slightly stoned!

I am still feeling the wonderful effects of the reiki today, and I'm going to try and hold on to them for as long as possible. If you ever have the opportunity to receive reiki from an experienced practitioner, please do so. Be open to the possibilities; like I said, you don't always feel it in a physical sense, but the changes can be both subtle and profound. Energy work can manifest itself in a plethora of ways, you just have to be open enough to let it in and do its work.

Just shoot me

2011-07-07T08:26:00.000-04:00

Do you remember that old episode of the Simpsons where Bart's crush spurns him and he envisions her ripping his heart out and drop-kicking it out of the treehouse?

Feeling a little like that these days.

Boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday. This whole thing just feels off, and I'm not prepared to let go without a fight. Which is pretty much the hardest, most heart-wrenching, and possibly futile thing I've ever done. Still, I feel like I have to try. What we had was just so good, so right that this feels apropos of nothing. Like there's something else going on and I'm just stuck in the middle of it.

So, I've kinda of placed myself in a limbo right now. But really, how much of a limbo is it when you're being given the silent treatment? I can talk and reach out until my arm falls off, but if all I'm grabbing is air then am I really doing much good?

I don't know.

But I feel like giving up, just walking away, is the wrong thing to do. I have to try. God help me and my idiocy, but I have to try.

Daily Enchanted Tarot

2011-07-05T07:30:00.000-04:00

Four of Swords

Seclusion

In a place of seclusion and stability, a calm, centered Buddha sits in a position of meditation. He has retreated from strife and is relieved of all anxiety. The pyramid shape around his body creates a healing space. Clouds representing the confusion and pressure of the everyday world are parting, and all that remains is the purity of the connection to the eternal earth and the infinite stars. This is a time of grounding and re-charging. After the sorrow of the Three of Swords, with the hurtful results of too much attachment and self-pity [it's amazing I haven't drawn that card yet!], the Four of Swords shows a person withdrawn and protected from any difficult situation. By allowing the cosmic forces to flow through him, the Buddha has gained mystical insight. This period of quiet retreat to be alone with his thoughts has been needed.

You have met this Buddha on your journey and he will teach you to look inward now, to accept and understand. In doing so you will be healed and renewed. This is a time for strategic withdrawal. Take sanctuary where you may find it and retreat in the midst of life's apparent chaos. Reflection, self-examination and meditation are called for. You will receive guidance from your Higher Mind after a much needed period of repose.

This is a much-needed card for me... and I think it is not just mine. Sometimes you need to pull back from everything and just be with your thoughts for a while. I have received a few answers over the weekend, although I kinda had to look for them a little. Some people are worth fighting for, and I'm not walking away without a fight. But maybe I need to back off for a little while.

I get that. So today, I'll just head back to work after a GORGEOUS holiday where I got to see a long-lost friend (Hi, Becky!!!). I'll enjoy the beautiful weather, I'll enjoy hanging out with my other friends. I'll live, I'll enjoy, and I'll get on. And that is what any of us should be doing. Living, enjoying, getting on with our lives.

Today's "Enchanted Tarot" Card

2011-07-03T08:48:00.000-04:00

Seven of Wands

Courage

A lone, but stalwart figure stands defiantly in front of the battlements. He could retreat behind the stone walls to protect himself but courageously he has taken this challenge. His face is determined, his shield held high, and his magical staff is more than equal to the seven flaming wands arrayed against him. At his feet, a great red blossom flowers, embodying all the things he has nurtured and cared for - loved ones, the land and all living things upon it. He firmly believes that values and ideas long established, tested and supported, must be defended. If justice is not forthcoming, he alone will resolve all difficulties. He know that he can hold his own by confronting his problems directly. When challenged in the extreme, he cannot compromise.

You are challenged to stand by your beliefs and values. Do not be afraid to personally defend what must be defended. Only by being assertive will you win the day. Trust your judgment and intuition and believe that, even if the situation looks forbidding and difficult, you will know how to handle it. Remember that the difference between heroic and cowardly behavior is that a hero or heroine goes forward in spite of fear.

Yeah, I'm liking this card a LOT better than the nightmare card I pulled a few days ago...

White Blank Page

2011-07-02T15:33:00.001-04:00

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart
your heart?
As well as your body
and can you lie next to her
and confess your love
your love?
As well as your folly
and can you kneel before the king
and say ‘I’m clean'
‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page
and a swelling rage
rage
You did not think
when you sent me to the brink
the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections
affections
But tell me now where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart?
Lead my to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life

Can I just say that the entire "Sigh No More" album from Mumford & Sons is about the best album ever? Of course, at the moment I can't listen to it without bawling my eyes out (in other words, not currently appropriate for road trips). Ironically enough, this was his favorite song off the album. But it suits me so well at the moment I'm usurping it.

Ha! Take that.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/white_blank_page_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
All about Mumford And+Sons: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mumford+And+Sons

Keep On Keeping On

2011-07-02T06:56:00.000-04:00

That's really all one can do, isn't it?

I'm doing my best to keep busy, but I will freely admit that I've been spending a lot of time in front of the boob tube. Which is actually not hooked up to cable or satellite or anything, so I've been watching a lot of movies and old Buffy episodes. I also went and spent three hours of my life watching the latest Transformers movie yesterday.

I know it is escapism, I know I am avoiding my feelings. I am really okay with this. Sometimes you need a break from yourself, and I have been living with this crap for the better part of two weeks now. I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to just let go and move on.

Luckily I have a great group of friends. I've got stuff to look forward to for the next couple of weeks, including a long-lost friend I haven't seen in almost 15 years (hi, Becky!!) and a mate coming over from the UK on business for a few days that I haven't seen in I think nearly two years. Today my friend Jen and I will be going to the local farmer's market. It is the first time this season that I've been able to attend, and I have been looking forward to it for a week now.

Life goes on, I know it does. I know the pain, hurt and confusion will fade with time. I know I will probably never get the answers that I deserve to have, and that I'll have to let that go as well.

I really hate the saying "It is better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all." I've done a lot of loving and losing over my lifetime. I had hoped to keep this one.

And still... life goes on.

Frowny Face

2011-07-01T07:09:00.000-04:00

I think my boyfriend has broken up with me.

I don't understand what happened, what went wrong.

I am heart broken.

As you may have guessed....

2011-06-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

...I'm not exactly having the best week ever. Won't go into detail here, and am sick to death of playing details in my head over and over again. Work is a solace, because I can focus on other people's issues for a while and let mine go.

I can only boil it down to the basic: I have no idea what the hell is going on right now.

Anyway.

Lately, instead of drawing random tarot cards, I've been taking the book from one of my decks and just opening it to a random page. Seems just as effective and a hell of a lot easier. I've been using the Enchanted Tarot deck's book. I did it just a couple minutes ago, and this is the "card" I got:

Nine of Swords: Nightmare

In the night, a sleeping figure lies trapped in a dark, nightmare world existing on the edge of sleep. Strange demons, repressed hurts and childhood fears range freely. Worse than the sight of this chaos, is the feeling of being held in its grasp. Unclear forms alter shape, and circle in ever-stranger and more fearsome forms.

This is a lonesome place, far from help and comfort. Shadows of pain, suffering and depression overwhelm the sleeper until she becomes a victim of her own thoughts and, like a martyr, repeatedly impales herself on their hurtful points. Her eyes are closed because she cannot bear to look at these fears when she is awake.

The only way she can escape from these nightmares, however, is to open her eyes and awaken to what is really bothering her. She must confront it in broad daylight, no matter that there may be reputations lost, false friends discovered or the most unpleasant of feelings set loose. The alternative is torment.

Um...yeah. So extremely apropos. Although I must say I am sick of impaling myself and am in fact trying to confront what I need to confront. I'm working on it. I think there are more things to let go of... well, really one thing to let go of. But it feels like by letting go of it I'll be letting go of hope. So, I guess right now I'm trying to figure out how to let go of the one but not the other.

Tricksy.

The Cave

2011-06-27T11:01:00.002-04:00

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_cave_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
All about Mumford And+Sons: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mumford+And+Sons

Letting Go

2011-06-25T08:32:00.002-04:00

Every once in a while, my desire to let things that I'm clinging to go manifests as a physical thing. These past couple of days, I've been desperate to get rid of things that I no longer want and/or need. I've started another Goodwill box, and as the days have gone by it's been filling up.

I've also felt the need to reorganize and generally clean my space. Which, if you know me in real life at all you know that this is a very rare event indeed. I spent a good portion of last night re-organizing my bedroom; putting things away, putting things in the Goodwill box, making a pile of things to be thrown out.

It's a rainy, dreary day here. I'm thinking this evening it may be time to tackle the living/kitchen area. I've already started by putting a few things in the Goodwill box. But this space could definitely be decluttered.

I guess if this physical manifestation of letting go is going to help me deal with the things I need to deal with, then it's a good thing. Plus, less to pack if and when I move out of this joint.

Does anyone know of a good coin drop where I can "let go" of about $20 worth of pennies? Please don't make me roll them up...

30 Seconds

2011-06-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

It takes 30 seconds to let someone know you care about them, that you are thinking about them, that you are glad they are in your life.

30 seconds to send a quickie email, to text them, to leave a phone message... heck to talk to them directly. "Hey, you! I can't chat but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. We'll talk more soon, kay? Miss you, Bye."

30 seconds out of your life lets someone else know that they are in your mind and your heart. That while the distance may be great (or small, for that matter), you are carrying them close until you can *be* close.

Just 30 seconds does all that.

If you can't find 30 second out of your life to let someone know they are important to you, you need to take a long, hard look at a few things.

Debbie Downer

2011-06-18T08:52:00.000-04:00

This whole attachment/craving thing is really getting the better of me. Boyfriend's father has come up from Down South, and he apparently "stays until he gets bored, then leaves." So... basically another two weeks or more before I get to see him again. Although if he wants me to meet Dad like I've met everyone else, there will at least be a dinner in there somewhere. Which something.

This also means that he won't be able to attend the show I have this evening. Which is fine, I get it. And there are no hard feelings. I'm not angry about it, but it does makes me a little sad because he helped me pick out the song I'm doing for it and it would have been nice... y'know? But it's okay. There will be other shows.

I want to go back to April when I was seeing him three times a week instead of the three times a month we're averaging now.

I think the real problem is I'm feeling pretty left out and unimportant. Which is all completely MY problem. There is a lot a negative baggage going on here - many instances where "friends" or "boyfriends" abandoned me, changed their minds and never bothered to tell me, or simply made plans without ever including me but including everyone else.

I still struggle to deal with this, because out of all the issues I need to work on this one cuts closest to my heart. Because, really, they were rejecting me, as a person, as a human being. After so many times and instances, I've stopped believing myself when I say "They don't mean any harm. They aren't doing it on purpose. They have a good reason. It's okay." Because you know what? They DID do it on purpose. They didn't care enough (or at all) about my feelings to take me into account.

So, now when I try to tell myself that Boyfriend doesn't mean any harm by it, his reasons are good, and that whole scheduling broohaha is temporary.... well, let's just say I'm having a hard time believing the truth. It is the truth. My head knows that. The problem is, my Heart has been proven wrong waaaaay too many times to believe what my head is saying. My head is the boy who cried wolf. Now that it's finally the truth, no one believes him.

So yeah.... working through a lot of shitty issues here. And this whole post REALLY veered off from the direction I initially was going to take.

Sigh.

Stuff.

2011-06-13T08:08:00.000-04:00

1. I think I did have a cold. It's on its way out now - I'm at the stuffy nose can't seem to blow it enough phase. Although, it's really not that bad. I didn't really get all that sick. Just a little run down. So I'm calling it a win.

2. Got to see The Boyfriend this weekend after two weeks of not. Yay! Still super busy though and who knows when I'll get to see him again. Trying very hard not to let it get to me. Attachment and cravings and all that. Trying to be in the here and now, because that's really the only place I can be.

3. Thinking of doing a yoga teacher training next year. One of the local studios is offering a 200 hour training. It's done over the course of nine months, so it's a relaxed, easy pace (to put it in perspective, my massage training was 690 hours in nine months). I think I can swing the fee, and with my upcoming schedule change at work it'll make things easier. The classes don't start until January, so I have a while to make a decision. This was on my five-year career plan, so to be able to do it ahead of schedule would be nice. Plus, it would be an excellent tool to incorporate into my massage knowledge. It'll really help deepen my understanding of the body and will allow me to really give my clients tools to help themselves.

4. I've been doing a lot of creating lately. I'd forgotten how much I loved to do that. It seems over the last few years I've been picking up a lot of things that I'd "forgotten" about: dancing, painting, collaging... Things that got tossed by the wayside because they seemed childish. Last week I picked up some acrylic paints and some pre-made canvases and have been going at it. It's not like they are gallery-worthy or anything but they make me feel good. I think it's a kind of meditation for me. Also a kind of release. A visual representation of whatever is going on inside. I am enjoying this.

5. I've started meditating on a regular basis. Well, I'm trying to make it a regular basis. I've only missed one day in the last week, and that was because I spent time with The Boyfriend. I've discovered that it works best for me if I can meditate right before bed. My bed is pushed up against the wall, so I use that to support my back and sit cross-legged for a little while. It's not a long period of time, but I'm purposely not saying "I will meditate for 20 minutes in the evening before bed", because that's a sure-fire way for me to rebel against "the rule" and not do it, or feel like a failure because I only managed 10 minutes. So, no rules, no "musts" or "I wills". I'm liking it.

What is this... thing... in my throat?

2011-06-09T07:29:00.000-04:00

It started yesterday. So small and unassuming I chalked it up to a massive pollen count. By the end of last night, there was definitely something going on with my throat. Now, I've had sore throats and this is not it, but it's at that point where it feels like it wants to turn into one but can't quite get up the gumption to do it.

Of course I am not happy about this. Boyfriend is coming up tomorrow and as I haven't seen him in two weeks I really would prefer to not greet him with a stuffy nose, watery eyes, and a hacking cough. Looking on the bright side of this, it isn't getting any worse. Perhaps it is the high pollen count. Or I caught it early enough to head it off at the pass.

Regardless, I'm pounding back the orange juice like it's going out of style and will be bringing some Throat Comfort tea with me to work today. I'm going to eat as healthy as possible, and not over-do the physical exertion today (ha! Like I ever do). If my body wants rest, rest is what it will get.

Just a high pollen count... just a high pollen count... just a high pollen count...

Success and Cravings

2011-06-07T09:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a truly beautiful day here in Vermont. The sun shone, the temperature was just right, and the day begged you to come out and enjoy it. So I did. I didn't have to be at work until 3pm, so I decided to have myself a picnic lunch down by the waterfront. I bought myself a couple of magazines, put on my SPF 6,000 and went out into the day.

One of the magazines I purchased was Tathaastu. It wasn't the newest issue, which apparently Borders didn't have yet, but the March/April issue. It had a lot of good articles on ayurveda, yoga nidra, meditation and other things of the mind/body genre. One article particularly stood out for me: Field of Comfort by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. It spoke not just of physical comfort but mental and emotional comfort.

If you read this blog at all, you know that I suffer from an overabundance of perfectionism that has a tendency to make me, well, crazy. This article reframed the notion of success and failure for me. An excerpt:

There is so much talk about success everywhere. Everyone wants to be successful. Have you ever thought about what success is? It is simply ignorance about one's capabilities. Success is ignorance about the power of the Self because you assume you can do only that much. So you have set a limitation to your Self and whenever your cross your own boundary or limitation, you claim success...

...When you are successful, you are proud of it, and if you fail - you feel guilty and upset. Both can drag you out of your joy, out of the greater potentiality you possess. So the best thing is to surrender to the Divine.

If you are successful, so what? It is another happening, another thing that you did, and you can do much more. And if you couldn't do something well, then, you couldn't do it, that's all. This moment, do you wish to do it again? Then have that Sankalpa, the intention - "I have to do it!" Then you will make good progress in that direction, without feeling guilty, or being judgmental.

Not being able to do something, not being able to "succeed" is big for me. However, this reframing really allows me to think, okay so I did something. Fine, no biggie. Okay, so I didn't do something. Fine, no biggie. If there is no such thing as success and failure - just a thing I did, or a thing I haven't yet done, what is there to feel guilty about? How then can I tell myself that I am a Failure if I haven't failed? I simply haven't done that thing yet. Maybe I will. Or maybe I will decide that I don't have to. Maybe I will decide that direction is not for me, or maybe it is and I will try again.

In the same article he had a bit on craving and aversion - specifically to other people. Another (shorter) excerpt:

Watch out for cravings. A craving happens first for appreciation of talents and then you start getting attracted to it. Then attraction turns back into craving and all these things go on. The world that begins for you then is not a divine world but a demonic world. So watch out for this craving in you, it will cling to anybody. Then you will send a "I miss you so much" card and say, "Oh, you put me into so much longing, you are so good, I never met anybody like you!" and such expressions. All this happens not out of surrender or gratitude, but out of craving.

Okay, so... how many "I miss you" texts have I send to The Boyfriend over the last couple weeks? I crave him, I fully admit that. But... this craving really isn't doing either of us any good, is it? I mean, we both have our own lives to live and we aren't going to see each other any sooner than when we finally see each other again, so what is the point of obsessing and suffering over it? Best to just let the craving go.

It's really back to my old mantra, isn't it? Let go the attachments that no longer serve you. I'm not saying to let go of The Boyfriend, but rather to let go of the craving for him. That negative attachment that only serves to make me clingy and whiny. Accept what is, in this moment, and let go of the rest.

Good advice.

Hear ends my daily bout of introspective navel-gazing. Thanks for playing along! ;-)

Pictures from my Vacation

2011-06-05T17:19:00.000-04:00

Let's see if my internet connection will be a good boy and let me post some pictures... Well, the first attempt two days ago failed miserably. Let's see if it will let me this afternoon. You will, won't you? Be a nice internet and cooperate (for once in your frakking existence...)

In Boston's North End waiting for a table in a little Italian Place.

Me in York, ME. Yes that's the ocean. No I didn't go in. COLD.

The view from the restaurant we had dinner at in Camden, ME

Bar Harbor, ME as seen from Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park

Sand Beach, Acadia National Park

A lobster that seems both scared by and obsessed with his ice cream.

My Travels as Described by Facebook Status Updates

2011-06-02T08:24:00.000-04:00

...because apparently now I think in Facebook status updates. I actually kept a running list of things I wanted to post but never got around to because of time constraints/no access.

Yes, I am a geek.

Here they are, in no particular order:

I don't know if I trust couples who have matching luggage. It's like couples who wear the same thing. There is just something wrong there, I can't put my finger on it.
If you pahk the cah at Hahvahd Yahd, it gets towed. Just sayin'.
Ate at a wonderful little Italian restaurant in Boston's North End, then had a wander. Beautiful evening. Even Paul Revere agreed, although he basically just stood there the whole time without saying anything.
(Said in your best Swedish Chef impersonation) York! York! York!
I am now a sufferer of Driver Sunburn. Ouch. But hey... sun!
According to the signs, we somehow managed to drive North, East and South all at the same time. Maine truly is a magical place!
Bar Harbor reminds me a lot of Montpelier. Only, y'know, with the ocean and lots of lobsters.
Seafood risotto for dinner. I just went in to dairy overload. Must... eat... salad....
Another stunning day. Heading out with a picnic lunch to Acadia National Forest.
I love our Inn. Black Friar Inn. Check it out if you're ever in Bar Harbor.
Sahco? Sayco? How the hell do you pronounce Saco anyway? I've forgotten!
Cadillac Mountain, Sand Beach, Echo Lake, Jordan Lake, and a mini-mountain that took 15 minutes to hike. I got bitten by something, stones in my shoes, and bugs in my hair. Day seized and throttled.
Unfortunate sign seen today: Thunder Hole Restrooms, turn right. Um... maybe I'll pass.
An unfortunate backpack incident has left my book smelling like pineapples. Game of Thrones with Pineapples... new best seller? Who lives in a pineapple under Winterfell? Spongebob Square-Ned!

Home.

2011-06-01T20:17:00.000-04:00

I'm home from driving the Maine coast. It was awesome. Today, we started in Bar Harbor, ME and ended in Burlington, VT. Even though I've stopped driving, I'm going to feel like I'm still moving for a looong time to come. We made really good time. It would have been 6.5 hours if we hadn't have stopped for dinner in Montpelier. But by then we were both hungry and in need of not being the car for a while.

I'll have more to come tomorrow or the next day, including some pictures.

Nice to see y'all again! :-)

I'm on Holiday, by jove!

2011-05-28T07:41:00.000-04:00

I HAVE FIVE DAYS OFF IN A ROW!!!!!

You'll have to excuse the shouting, but as you can see I am a tad bit excited for my little vacation. The last time I had multiple days off in a row was late last June. I've only had single days off between now and then, and they were few and far between.

'Tis my own fault for doing so... I could have requested more time but I guess I felt the need solid work. I needed to pull myself out of the financial hole school had gotten me in and I needed to establish myself as a therapist.

But now, now I've done both and it's time to have a little fun.

Later today I'll be catching a bus to Boston where I'll meet up with my friend Mary, who's there attending a conference. It's the conference's last day so if the timing works out I'll be arriving just as she's finishing up with things. We're going out on the town tonight and then heading off to the airport bright and early to pick up our rental car. Then it's Maine coastline for the next three days!

Our first stop will be in Rockport, and it'll take at least 3.5 hours to get there from Boston. That's not the scenic route either so it'll take most likely take a large portion of the day. Our second stop on will be in Bar Harbor, where we'll stay for a couple days and use it as a jumping off point for Acadia National Park and other places we want to go. It'll only take a couple hours to get there from Rockport so we'll have most of the next two days to really explore. We'll most likely be taking RTE 2W all the way back to Vermont on Wednesday. It's going to be a seven-hour haul, and that's without stopping for lunch.

I am soooo excited for this trip! I am in need of fun and frivolity and this should fit the bill quite nicely.

I'll talk to you next week, party people. Have a very wonderful Memorial Day!

Well, there you go then!

2011-05-26T08:03:00.000-04:00

This morning I found a link to Experience Life magazine and wanted to share with you an article about dieting, starvation, and what happens to people on a restricted calorie diet. It's a short article, and easy to read. The article highlights an experiment done during World War II regarding starvation - psychological and physiological effects. What floored me was the restricted, "starvation" portion of the experiment was 1,500 calories.

1,500!!!

Now, granted the experiment was done on men and 1,500 calories for a fully grown adult male is not a lot; I believe the equivalent is 1,200 for a female. But still, that is the current daily recommended caloric intake. And they literally went crazy with starvation. When they were able to resume eating "normally", many ended up gorging and putting on additional weight.

This quick little article has put so much into perspective for me: how frustrated and obsessed I get over food when I'm trying to lose weight, when I think I'm too fat, when I think I'm eating more than I should. Why I feel guilty when I get hungry, despite having "eaten enough." Why I have a tendency to binge after following a "healthy diet" for a week to lose a couple pounds.

This is, like, huge for me. I need to think on it some more.

Awash in Water

2011-05-25T16:52:00.001-04:00

Today is a beautiful, sunny day. Considering how few of these we've had this spring, it's a real treat. I decided to take a walk along the bike path near my home. I walked fairly far; far enough to really get a good look at some of the devastation from the recent flooding. Recent is not the right word. Current is more correct. The water has gone down some, but it is still insanely high. I wish I'd brought my camera with me. Let's see if I can find some pictures...

God bless Google!

Picture courtesy of www.mychamplain.net

The bridge pictured is a pedestrian/bike bridge that goes over the mouth of the Winooski River. Only as you can see by this image, the river has overstretched its boundaries considerably. I actually walked over this bridge today and while the water has gone down a little, for the most part it still looks like this. Only it was sunny today and there wasn't so much of a color change in the water.

This image courtesy of www.huffingtonpost.com

I walked by this house this afternoon as well. You'll be happy to know that the water is now lower by about a foot. When I walked by on the bike path, I believe they had the boat "parked" on their little landing.

As I was walking along, people were starting to clean up as they could. There is driftwood everywhere. And I really do mean everywhere. I could also see larger problems starting to emerge - places where the water had retreated to the point where large pools of stagnant, still water remained. It hasn't gotten bad yet, but as I was walking along, I could smell the beginnings of the smell. You know the one - stinky, polluted water. Of which there is currently a lot and soon to be a great deal more.

Other areas are still several feet under water, and it was interesting to see how life had adapted and taken over. Turtles were sunning themselves on downed trees, beavers were in seventh heaven, and the birds' songs were loud and plentiful. Minnows swam in places they would normally never be. Life continued, it adapted.

And so, I guess, will we.

Yoga?

2011-05-24T11:17:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago, I was big-time into yoga. I went every Saturday morning without fail, and sometimes twice a week if I could finagle it. This was back during Hell Job and yoga really helped me to deal with the emotions and confusion I was feeling around it.

My yoga practice pretty much dropped off the face of the earth when I went back to school. We'd do it once a week during class, but I just didn't have the time, energy or money to follow up with classes outside of school. And now, I have plenty of time, money and energy to start them back up but for some reason I haven't. I still love yoga and on the rare occasion I make it to a class I always feel better for it, but I guess I just don't feel the need to attend classes.

From time to time I do yoga in my apartment, and I frequently recommend yoga poses to clients to help with stretching and muscle tension relief. Even though I'm not attending classes as often as I used to, the lessons I learned while there follow me on a daily basis and enrich my life exponentially. Yoga is more than the poses. It is a way of seeing and living life, an alternate way of relating to the things going on around you.

These are just a few of the ideas I've brought with me out into the world:

Right now, you are exactly where you need to be. No need to change.
Right now, you are exactly as you need to be. No need to change.
Find your edge. Stay with it. Don't push yourself too far.
Don't worry about what anyone else around you is doing. Just focus on what you're doing, now.
It's okay to laugh when you fall grandly out of a pose... or just fall grandly!
Sometimes you need to push yourself to the edge, and sometimes you need to be gentle with yourself and not push at all.
What are you experiencing right now? Experience it.
Honor the divinity in yourself as you honor the divinity in others.

Namaste.

Sad.

2011-05-23T13:24:00.000-04:00

I saw The Boyfriend last night. So nice to be able to see him after a week and a half. So short-lived though. Between his commitments and my commitments, it's going to be a full two weeks before we see each other again, if we're lucky. He's convinced it's less than that, frankly I'm convinced it's going to be closer to three weeks. We're going to try to at least meet for dinner this Friday, but nothing's certain right now.

This is life, and it is what it is. But my heart is breaking because I'm going to have to wait two weeks to see him again.

Man oh man have I got "it" bad.

It's Impossible, I Tells Ya!

2011-05-21T08:56:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I bought some eggs with the intention of having them for breakfast the next several days. They're full of protein, easy to make in the morning, and keep me fueled until I can stop for lunch at work. Often times I may eat breakfast at 8:30am, but it may be 2pm before I get my break. It's a long time to go without food, so I try to eat things that last. Plus, apparently eggs yolks have a lot of iron. Again not really worried about it, but I kinda feel the need to stockpile.

I'm also quasi-tracking my calories on MyPlate for a while because my pants are getting tight again. Plus, I've got a show coming up in a month and I don't want my belly hanging over my costume. The nice thing about MyPlate is that even the free version will track big things like sodium, protein, cholesterol, sugar, and fiber.

The bad news is, one single egg meets the daily maximum requirement of cholesterol for me. AN egg. Who can eat just one?!? I mean, I knew they had quite a bit of it but I guess I just never checked to see how much. Now I have a bunch of eggs I don't want to eat. Which is wasteful.

Gah!

Michael Pollan was right - we've scared ourselves into a corner where we're afraid to eat anything and everything because we get caught up on the little bits. People have been eating eggs for millennia. Most of them did not die from the eggs. One week of eating eggs is NOT going to kill me. I'll eat these eggs, and simply not have them again for a while so my cholesterol levels can level out a bit. I'll have something else for breakfast next week. It'll all be good.

It does make me glad that I stopped baking with eggs years ago, though. I've been using either flax "eggs" or applesauce/bananas/pureed fruit in lieu of them. Now, if only I stopped eating everything I baked, I wouldn't have to go on MyPlate and freak myself out...

I'm Falling Apart

2011-05-19T08:43:00.001-04:00

Okay, so not really. But it feels like that sometimes.

Last month I got into a big "discussion" about whether or not I have hypothyroidism. Apparently my posts saying that "I'm tired" on Facebook have convinced my aunt that I am. That and the fact that she developed it. So, with those two "symptoms" (and only those two), she is convinced that I have it and that I am in denial.

Now, I know I need to keep an eye out for it as it does run in the family (my mom developed it when she was my age), but there is a definite difference between "oh, boy I've had a long day" or "I didn't get much sleep last night" tired and "oh, hey look my body's shutting down because my thyroid is no longer manufacturing the hormones I need to live" tired.

Subtle, but important difference.

And then... I went to the Doc's on Tuesday for... y'know. The, ahem, annual exam. Turns out I'm slightly anemic. Apparently the lowest iron levels they like is "12" and I'm "11.3". Which could explain for the tiredness, actually.

Well, the fact that I'm burned out and haven't had a vacation in over a year could explain the tiredness, but we'll move on.

I'm really not particularly anemic. It was also that time of the month and everyone knows you can't trust an iron count when that's happening. Still, when I was a little girl I did get anemic so that again is something to watch out for. So now I'm spending this week eating iron-rich foods. I made ginger bread muffins yesterday because dark molasses is an excellent source of iron. Also plenty of spinach, chickpeas, and broccoli. Before you know I'll have over-done it and be weighed down by the amount of iron in me.

Just call me Old Iron-insides.

Wow, one week goes by so quickly...

2011-05-16T08:02:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been almost a week since my last post. I had intended to start being better about posting more often. Sigh. The days just run in together so quickly. It seems like the month is over before it scarcely begun.

I guess it helps that I'm actually home right now. Usually at this point on Monday morning, I'm schlepping about the Boyfriend's apartment. He has to be to work for 7:00am, and I usually leave to come back at 8. However, due to various and sundry prior commitments, I didn't drive down after work yesterday and I won't be seeing him again until I think next Wednesday. Yeouch. Then after that, I think it'll be the second week in June before we see each other again. Oooof.

In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a long time to go without seeing each other. And it's probably a good thing too. It'll give us each a little time to really reflect on how things are going and how we are feeling. It'll be three months as of the 26th of this month (not that I'm keeping track or anything). That's a little significant, right? It's good to reflect on significance like that.

Personally, I'm feeling like I'm addicted to him and I'm going through withdrawal symptoms right now. I miss him - even though we only ever catch snatches of each other; an evening here, a late afternoon there, a random wonderful day together. Those times we have together feel so precious to me. Every time I think of him I get a goofy grin on my face. One of my coworker's asked if I was smitten. I told her I was disgusting with smitteness.

So yeah, if you get sick of me waxing poetic, please tell me I'm being annoying and to shut the frak up.

In other news. It's raining again. So all of the headway we made in regards to the flooding has been lost. I took some pics last week. I meant to post them like a week ago, but blogger was not liking the idea so I refrained. Here is a highlight:

And as the waves gently lap at the far side of the parking lot, mermaid children make use of the playground...

We're supposed to have rain all week long. We do not need rain. We are all literally awash in rain. If it doesn't not let up and give us a break soon, Vermont will once again become a shallow inland sea and we really all will need to sprout gills and fins if we wish to survive.

Of course, I could move to Arizona with friend Becky. I don't need gills there, do I Becky?

Whoosh!!!!

2011-05-10T08:21:00.000-04:00

Hey, look at me! I'm updating my blog!!! Craziness.

Spring is finally happening to Vermont. It feels like we're about a month behind the rest of the world. It feels more like mid-April should feel outside. But... it's sunny, the tulips are being brave and showing their fair colors, and the trees are exploding green. It's about damned time!!

Over the last few weeks, between massive snow melts and massive amounts of rain, we've had a lot of flooding. Lake Champlain is several feet above its normal levels right now. Most of the beaches are still under water, and in places the bike path has been nearly washed away. There are many, many homes that are considered a complete loss. While it's not Mississippi-level floods, it is none-the-less devastating to a large portion of the state. Check out The Burlington Free Press for some pictures and an article.

In other news, things with The Boy and I are moving along nicely. Spending time with him is one of my favorite things to do, and I'm most happy when we're snuggled up on the couch watching TV. It feels like this is what life is supposed to be, y'know?

The next few weeks are going to be a challenge though. Between both of our schedules, after tomorrow seeing each other is going to be a rare, precious thing until well into June. Due to our different work schedules (he has weekends off, I have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off), we're already struggling to just find time together, and now we're adding to that a bunch of pre-scheduled family/friendly obligations that were put into play before we started dating. We're going to try and finagle things a little bit, but I'm already starting to miss him and I'll get to see him tomorrow!

My friend Marie is coming up to visit today and I'm beyond thrilled. She doesn't make the trip up to my area often (it is several hours away), and historically my schedule has never allowed for proper hanging out - just a quick lunch where I had to leave early. But today, oh today!! She is coming up just to see me and I have no where I need to rush off to. We can hang until we're sick of each other. I'm so excited!!!

At the end of the month, my friend Mary and I are going to drive the Maine coast. I am (gasp) actually taking some time off work to do so. I am also beyond excited about this! She has the whole thing planned. We're leaving from Boston and taking a leisurely route up to the end of the coast, then cutting back across the middle of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont to return to my place. I so need this. I'm pretty much burned out at this point and this will be a great recharging of my batteries.

Which reminds me, I really need to get my bus ticket down to Boston...

So, the long and short of it is, I'm still running around like a chicken with her head cut off. But at least I'm having fun doing it!

Book Review: In Defense of Food

2011-05-06T08:02:00.000-04:00

After reading Michael Pollan's book Omnivore's Dilemma (click on the link for my review), I was interested in reading more from him. He is an engaging writer and does an excellent job of presenting information in a readable, fast-paced style that feels more like you're talking with a friend than getting schooled.

I checked In Defense of Food out from the library, mainly because I've been spending waaaaay too much money lately. And admittedly, I was fascinated by the general theme of the book: Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants. I found that last one particularly interesting as he is most certainly not a vegetarian. Nope. Not. At. All.

But luckily early on he elaborates on the theme, telling us what he means by each statement. When he says Food in this instance, it literally is with a capital "F". He means whole, unprocessed food. The kind your great-grandmother would recognize. The more processed it is, he believes, the less like food it becomes.

In this particular book, he runs with an idea called "nutritionalism," a term originally coined by Gyorgy Scrinis back in 2002. Basically, it means ceasing to look at Food as a whole (ie, tomato) and focusing instead on its various parts (lycopene, vitamins, minerals, etc). We, as a nation have ceased to look at our food as Food and instead focus on the little tiny bits. We get so caught up in the specifics that we lose sight of the whole - to our detriment.

Pollan points out that we really know very little about the food we eat. Sure, we know that spinach has iron and oranges have vitamin C, but we still haven't quite figured out the specifics. Like, for example, why supplements and multivitamins don't really work. Everything's there, but for some reason taking them out of the original package, so to speak, lessens or totally negates their impact. And we have no idea why. But because we're so focused on the little things, we ignore that the whole thing is the thing that's best.

He also points out that, as Americans, we have lost our food culture. He circles around this many times - that food culture teaches us how and what to eat, and keeps us healthy. This is one of the great ironies too: the food cultures that look as though they should be killing entire populations have some of the healthiest people. Yet, Americans - we who are obsessed with protein, fiber, vitamin C and all the teeny bits - are growing fatter and fatter and increasingly suffering from diseases like diabetes.

Food cultures taught us what was good to eat (those berries over there) and what to avoid (not those!), it passed down food combinations that were not only tasty but provided us with everything we needed to thrive. They taught us how to eat: in the case of the French, smaller portions and no snacks, and sitting for hours and relishing the tastes and company. Great great grandma Georgina had no idea that by making tomato sauce she was making the lycopene more available; it just tasted good over the homemade pasta. Nobody worried where the micronutrients came from; they just ate it. The kick of it is... they were healthy! In places where cultural eating is still practiced, they are healthy too. In places where a "Western" diet (ie, American) has been adopted, they are all beginning to suffer from the same diseases we are.

I enjoyed this book very much. I didn't find it quite as informative as Omnivore's Dilemma (in fact, some of his research for that book resurfaced in this one), but I found his basic idea and premise interesting. How can an entire country have no idea how to eat? I mean, we as a species have been doing it successfully for several millennia now, you'd think we'd have it down.

Once again, if you are interested in food and how we as Americans relate to and/or fear it - because I think to a certain extent we do fear food - I would definitely give this book a read.

I'm not dead!!!

2011-05-05T17:07:00.000-04:00

Hey all,

Sorry I haven't been blogging. I've been crazy busy these last couple weeks and simply haven't had time to fully compose anything. I have a book review half written. Hopefully I'll finish it soon and post it for you guys. Cause it was a good book and I think you should read it. If I could remember what the name of it was, I'd even tell you.

Oy. That's how tired I am right now.

Life is going extremely well for me these days, and I'm loving it to the fullest.