The Birthday Blues

My birthday is on Thursday. I will be (thumblmuffle) years old.

But seriously, I will be 43. I'm not ashamed of that or of getting older. It's a little disconcerting that I can remember my parents being this same age, but hey. I least I had them around so I have those memories.

I've noticed that I always get sad around my birthday. I think it's been happening for a lot of my life, but I've really only noticed it in the past few years. I'm not sure why that is. I've never had any traumatic birthday party experiences: no creepy clowns, no parties where no one showed up, no scary relatives insisting on smooches and cheek pinches.  All my birthdays have been blissfully clown-free, attended party, creepy relative-free affairs.

I've also gotten to the point where I prefer to spend my birthdays in solitude. Don't get me wrong; if you wanna gimme a present or take me out to dinner I'm allllll about that. But really? I just want to spend the day doing whatever I want whenever I want. I want to pamper myself. I want to buy myself pretty, useless things that make me smile without worrying about whether or not I can afford them. I want to eat chocolate cake guilt-free for every meal. Including breakfast. For my 40th, I spent the day hiking. This week, I'm heading up to my favorite wellness center for a scrub/wrap/heaven treatment.

My 40th. Hiking on a trail near my home at that time.

I've always been shown love and appreciation for my existence.

So why the sadness?

Is it because, while I really want to have all kinds of attention showered upon me that also makes me insanely uncomfortable because who am I to deserve such adoration?

Is it because I know such attention and material goods are fleeting and not at all indicative of deeper, lasting affection, which is what lasts far beyond one day?

Is it because it's all a moot point because we are all headed for oblivion and life is just a pointless series of events that lead to an inevitable demise?

Does everyone get that nihilistic on their birthday?

Anyway. This morning the sun is shining. The leaves are out. I have an amazing home, a wonderful husband, a loving family, and a crazy dog. I have a career I enjoy. I have dear friends. I have a good life and I am grateful for it.

Even if it is all pointless. 😉

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