Friday, July 22, 2016

Insecurity Makes you Write Weird Shit.

This has been a tough month for me business wise. I think July tends to be when you're in a massage private practice; people are traveling or otherwise on vacation and the weather is just so beautiful that the idea of being inside is almost painful.

So why does it feel like I'm the only one not working?

Why do I feel like an abject failure?

Why do I feel like this was a bad idea?

What was I thinking, that I could be enough, that I was good enough, that I was worthy enough to go it on my own?

What was I thinking... that I could be a success?

Silly me.


What this really means is... I'm right on schedule. I've made it through the celebratory "I did it!" phase and I have officially moved in to the "why the hell did I do this?!" phase.

Building a clientele takes time. Especially when you are be selectful with whom you wish to work. But it does happen. It does not make me any less of a therapist.

It is, however, making me take a long, hard look at my own personal social anxieties and learned dread around all things marketing; a key thing if I want to get my business out there. These are the things I've struggled to overcome in the last 10 years. I worked very hard to come out of my shy shell, to put myself out there and interact with people. I like to feel I've come a very long way.

Ironically enough, I also feel in some ways I'm backtracking. In doing additional work to become more in tune with energies, intuition, and my empathic nature (all to further help my clients) I have found that I have less tolerance for many social environments. I become overwhelmed, unable to focus, and have had to leave a few situations rather abruptly because I simply couldn't stand to be there any more.

Wah Wah Wah moan moan moan pity poor little me.

Uh-huh. So... how's that compassion for self coming along? She asked, eyebrow raised.

I think what this all boils down to is that I really need to cut myself a break. All things in their own time. That's the truth of it. I am not doing anything wrong. I am searching for a way to do this practice on my terms. And it is a practice. Even if the goal is to become a successful business owner. It is still a practice.

I guess I need more practice at practicing.

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