Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Two Paths Diverge in a Yellow Wood

This is a hard post to write, and frankly I've re-written it about four times now before I've gotten it to a place where I feel like I can put it online. Even now, I'm still a little hesitant to do so. But you're reading it, so I did.

Over the last several years,  I have watched a dear friend go through tough times and make some serious life changes. Generally speaking, while I haven't understood them all I've done my best to support her. Because I love her very much and I want her to be happy.

But my deep, dark secret is that I have been struggling with heartbreak for these last years. I miss my friend. The one I knew before all these changes happened. My partner in crime. I have watched as everything we had in common was cast aside as inappropriate. I have floundered in finding common ground with the person she has become. I have been unable to find a way to accept some of the choices that have been made.

I am angry at myself for not being more accepting, tolerant and understanding. Who am I to judge another's path, another's journey, another's lessons? She just wants to be happy, accepted, and loved. And I want those things for her. So very much.

But this is my blog, and GOD DAMN IT, I want my foul-mouthed, dirty-minded, raunchy, quirky, intelligent, out-going, fun-loving friend back! I am convinced that she is still in there somewhere, hiding. Just waiting for the day she can come back and let loose once again.

But in the meantime, I am hurt that my friend has renounced virtually everything we once agreed upon. I am confused by the choices she makes. And mostly, I am confounded by the fact that no one seems to be saying anything. Everyone keeps saying "we just want you to be happy." Which is is all fine and dandy, and true. But it isn't saying what we are all thinking, which is closer to "You are making a huge fucking mistake but you won't listen to us if we say that."

In the end, these are all my struggles. These are all my my lessons to learn. I know that, which is why I have kept so silent on these thoughts. Because I know they would cause her pain, and I don't want that. But my pain in losing a friend is very real. Even though I can still see her and talk to her, the person who initially came into my life is no longer in front of me.

And I miss her. Terribly.

Please come back. There was nothing wrong with who you were.


Wolfgirl said...

Is she 40 years old?

Kate said...

No... but isn't it strange how things like age or a major life event can trigger massive change in our lives?

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