Saturday, January 23, 2016

4 Months and Counting

Wedding planning is coming along very nicely.  I was kinda nervous that my control freak would kick in and I would turn into a Bridezilla, but thus far that has not been the case (knock on wood).

I have started the DIY portion of things. Since it is winter and cold up here (although, again knock on wood, not nearly as bad as last year) knocking this stuff out now makes sense. I've got the cake topper finished and I'm working on the boutonnieres now. The theory isn't matching up to the reality so I need to do a little more work there, but it's coming on. The bouquet will be next, although I need to let that percolate a little longer.

I'll be having my second muslin fitting tomorrow for my dress. Once we get that squared away, it is fabric purchasing and sewing time! I am super excited for this dress. I'll wear it again, although I'm not entirely sure where. Although, I run with a crowd who likes nothing more than finding excuses to wear corsets and dress up, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Caterer is locked in, baker is all set, Officiant and venue are the same person (my brother) so all is good there. Basically, the only thing I'm even a little worried about is getting a couple porta-potties, since my brother's septic system can't handle 50 people.

We still have things we need to do, like figure out the ring situation, the parking situation, and the barn is going to require several weekends worth of work to make it presentable.

But for just four months to go, I'm really chill. I feel like we've got all the big stuff sorted and the rest is relatively small and easy to fix should something go awry.

Here's to hoping I still feel this way in three and a half months!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Two Paths Diverge in a Yellow Wood

This is a hard post to write, and frankly I've re-written it about four times now before I've gotten it to a place where I feel like I can put it online. Even now, I'm still a little hesitant to do so. But you're reading it, so I did.

Over the last several years,  I have watched a dear friend go through tough times and make some serious life changes. Generally speaking, while I haven't understood them all I've done my best to support her. Because I love her very much and I want her to be happy.

But my deep, dark secret is that I have been struggling with heartbreak for these last years. I miss my friend. The one I knew before all these changes happened. My partner in crime. I have watched as everything we had in common was cast aside as inappropriate. I have floundered in finding common ground with the person she has become. I have been unable to find a way to accept some of the choices that have been made.

I am angry at myself for not being more accepting, tolerant and understanding. Who am I to judge another's path, another's journey, another's lessons? She just wants to be happy, accepted, and loved. And I want those things for her. So very much.

But this is my blog, and GOD DAMN IT, I want my foul-mouthed, dirty-minded, raunchy, quirky, intelligent, out-going, fun-loving friend back! I am convinced that she is still in there somewhere, hiding. Just waiting for the day she can come back and let loose once again.

But in the meantime, I am hurt that my friend has renounced virtually everything we once agreed upon. I am confused by the choices she makes. And mostly, I am confounded by the fact that no one seems to be saying anything. Everyone keeps saying "we just want you to be happy." Which is is all fine and dandy, and true. But it isn't saying what we are all thinking, which is closer to "You are making a huge fucking mistake but you won't listen to us if we say that."

In the end, these are all my struggles. These are all my my lessons to learn. I know that, which is why I have kept so silent on these thoughts. Because I know they would cause her pain, and I don't want that. But my pain in losing a friend is very real. Even though I can still see her and talk to her, the person who initially came into my life is no longer in front of me.

And I miss her. Terribly.

Please come back. There was nothing wrong with who you were.


Sunday, January 17, 2016

Mistaking Disinterest for Incapability Earns You a Swift Kick in the Arse

I was brought up to be an independent, strong woman. I was always told I could do whatever I wanted to do. My parents were equal opportunity teachers; my brother learned how to cook and do laundry the same as me and I learned how to shoot a rifle and play baseball, like him. We were allowed to explore our interests without worry as to their relationship to gender lines. The fact that I was into ballet and he baseball was just how it played out.

It was never on my radar that boys should only do this and girls should only do that. We all could do whatever our talents led us to do. It was that simple.

So that was how I lived my life. I went along knowing that I could do whatever I wanted, and if there was something I didn't particularly want to learn (like how to sew or how to change a tire) it was because I simply wasn't interested in it, not because I couldn't do them.

(PS, I can change a tire if I really have to and while I shouldn't be allowed to sew anything ever, I can if pressed into service. But warning, it won't be pretty).

So, imagine how, to my chagrin and confusion, as soon as I went from a single woman into a monogamous, heterosexual relationship I was shoved into the Little Woman role by virtually every service man (and they've all been men) who have visited our house since we moved in.

Maybe I just didn't notice it while I was single. Maybe it took being in a committed, male/female relationship to bring it out; I don't know. All I know is, now that I've moved into the 'burbs with a dude, suddenly other dudes assume that the person in the house with whom they can Get Stuff Done is the male of the house.

Maybe next time they ask when my husband will get home, I'll find Bauer and say "Here's the current Man of the House. He's got a lot of opinions; ask him."


Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Never His Mind on Where He Was, What He Was Doing...

Seen Empire Strikes Back too many times, I have.

Never.

I am holed up today battling the second of my winter colds. Although, honestly, I'm considering it a continuation of my first one, as basically it skipped all the other typical cold stuff and went straight to my lungs. My last cold skipped that last bit. I thought I'd beaten the bronchitis monster finally, but apparently it was just kind enough to wait until the holiday rush was over.

I am coming to the conclusion that our Moratorium on Major Life Shifts has been one of the best things Best Guy and I could have done. It has been amazingly freeing, at least for me. All requests on my time get filtered by that lens. Anything that makes it through I feel confident that I can accept as is. Anything that gets stopped by it, I have been saying "ask me again after the wedding."

It has been amazing how well people have accepted this when I explain our reasoning. It isn't like I'm dismissing things out of hand or using it as an excuse to not do things; more like, "I am intrigued but it is bigger than I can currently handle with everything else shifting right now. Can I get back to you on this?"

If BG and I are unsure of something, we'll talk about it. Is it a Major Life Shift? Or is it just a smaller thing? We hold each other accountable to ensure we don't end up taking on too much as we gear up for some busyness in just five(!) months.

It is very nice having this time to settle in and just be a couple. Planning a wedding (even a low-key, casual, slightly off-kilter affair such as ours) takes time, effort, and can be stressful. And frankly, getting married is a Big Deal. I spent most of my adult life coming to terms with the fact I'd probably never get married. So the fact that in a few short months I'm going to be somebody's wife is a major mind fuck for me. It's taking me some time to get my brain around this fact. The Moratorium is giving me the space to do that.

Seriously, though. Wife. Other people are wives. I'm not a wife. I'm Kate.

What. The. Friggity Frackity FUCK.

You see? I need time, man. I need time.

There are a great many things I want to do, experience, and accomplish. But taking this time to be Together as a Couple is probably one of the best things we could do. We already know we can get through pretty much anything at this point. Hell, we already have. I think now is the perfect time for us to just enjoy being together.

Everything else can wait.


Friday, January 1, 2016

Welcome, 2016!

I have a couple post ideas in the works, but after noticing it had been two weeks since I have said anything here, I thought it might be nice to ease in to the new year with a little fluff. And cookies. Oh, my yes. All the dog-gammed cookies.

A few days before Christmas. It was the first snow of the season. It was 60 degrees Christmas Day.

Christmas morning Stocking success. Includes coffee and the best Christmas PJ's this side of the equator.

Beck and Tree

Dog-gammed cookies

Mom and the Sister Out Law

Steven fixing Mom's computer. Because Christmas is no excuse to take a day off.

Me, with two cats wearing a t-shirt featuring my brother's cat. Cat.

Mom and the SoL contemplating dog-gammed cookie choices.

Mother, Brother, Cat, Food.

New Year's Eve.... Champagne and Doctor Who for the win.

Better Kate Than Never

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