Thursday, December 10, 2015

This Moss-Free Stone Keeps Rolling

I'm sure by now you are all aware of Facebook's...thing where they will dredge up old posts and stick them in your feed to share (or not) as you see fit. Lately, Facebook has been notifying me of things I posted three years ago. At first I was all.... what happened three years ago? A little clicking and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Three years ago I was neck deep in the break up that broke me.

At first, I was surprised that it was only three years ago; because it feels a lifetime to me these days. I was confused and heartbroken and shattered. Much more so than I probably should have been, considering how rocky the relationship was.

What's that they say about hindsight being 20-20?

Three years out of that relationship, I think I was mourning more for the shattered dreams I was trying to force into creation more than the loss of the individual. I put so many denial blinders on that I refused to see our dynamic for what it was: one-sided, closed-off, and cold. I got the raw end of the deal in that relationship, but I thought so little of myself that I was willing, nay desperate to put up with it because I feared I would never find anything else.

Well, ha. Ha ha ha.

Even three years out, I actually feel weird about writing this post. I guess I still feel guilt. Not so much about how the relationship ended, but how I allowed myself to stay in an unsupportive, unloving relationship. Moreover, that I felt it was the best I could do and all I would ever get. How did I think so little of myself? How was I so willing to throw my basic needs to the wind? Why was I so willing to disappear for this person, who so obviously did not deserve me? I feel shame for letting myself sink so low. Shame and embarrassment.

But I've also come to see something else. That relationship was my rock bottom. Because of it, I started a long journey that uncovered old, broken stories that needed letting go. I did some deep, dirty, nasty work and I came out on the other side. Lighter, brighter, and more confident in who I am as a woman, as a partner, and as a person. If it were not for that relationship, I would not be where I am right now. Engaged to a wonderful, open, affectionate, loving man. We see and accept each other for who we are. We support each other, we make sure each other's needs are being met, and moreover, we have fun together.

In looking back, I am grateful for the pain, for the work, for the journey. I am grateful that I finally learned the lessons I'd been circling around for so long. They allowed me to move forward, move to where I am right now.

Because where I am? So very, very worth the work.

(insert sappy love emoticons here)

This guy. He makes my heart sing. In tune, no less. 

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