Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Swimming in the Muck

We don't really ever understand the pressure we put ourselves under, do we?

We don't notice it. We're so busy going, moving, reaching, running that we put ourselves under tremendous stress for what amount to no good reason. We have all of these goals, things we need to accomplish by such and such a deadline, else we are failures at our own life.

When did it become okay to live like this?

And it's really all in our own heads, too. Other people looking at us aren't saying "Well, jeez. She only did X, Y, and Z this week. She totally didn't do A at all and she didn't even attempt Q." We're the only ones saying that, to ourselves.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm certainly not harshing on goal setting. Not by a long shot. I guess I am in the middle of confronting my own expectations right now. For some bizarre reason I thought that I could pack, move, work, renovate and find a new job* all within the space of 30 days. And because I haven't been able to find a (good) new job closer to home yet I am a failure. Which, as you all will agree, is silly. I am not a failure. I am just not willing to work at a terrible place.

And that's the kicker, isn't it? I have the luxury of choice. I am not going to go hungry or homeless if I don't immediately find a new position closer to home. I am working at a fabulous place and I have the support of Best Guy. Really, I've got it pretty damned good right now. So why am I so stressed out?

My independent nature is so used to having to do it all and rely on no one that my poor little brain simply cannot wrap itself around the fact that I can let go of some of these stressors. In fact, it's added on a new stress - that in order for things to be "fair" I must be contributing just as much as Best Guy. Even though as a Massage Therapist I could never hope to make even half of what he does as an IT guru. I still must hold up my half of this bargain. And as half is never possible, I'm always feeling a little bit guilty and a little bit a failure.

What would happen if I let those stresses go? If I let go of the pressure to find a new job NOW? If I let go of some of that famed red-headed Taurian stubbornness and this skewed definition of what constitutes a fair contribution?

Why am I even looking at these things negatively? I am turning positives into negatives. It's time to turn them back into positives.
  • I have an amazing job that I love, and I am grateful I am able to hold out until I can find something equally wonderful.
  • I have accomplished so much in the last month and a half. 
  • I have a wonderful, amazing guy who wants me to be happy and supports my decisions
  • I am doing my best, contributing my best and offering my best
Why swim in a river of dark negativity when I can swim in a sparkling ocean of Gratitude? Let me dive deep into that water and be carried in its light.

* Normally I never post about job searching or any kind of details when it comes to employment (nor would I ever suggest anyone else do the same unless you really don't want to keep your job). In this instance, my employers are well aware that my commute by necessity means that I am looking for a job closer to home. No one is under any illusions and this is a rare instance where I have the freedom of not having to job-hunt in secret. I love my job and would keep it if I could; it's just not feasible in the long-term.

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