I don't even know what to call this.

It's just after midnight. My brother's band played at a pretty big-for-Vermont venue this evening, and I couldn't go because of work. About a half hour ago, I got a text from my cousin whom I haven't seen in ages inviting me to the after party. Which I couldn't go to because I have to get up and go to work bright and early in the morning. Actually, this morning.

Right now I am feeling pretty miserable. I am feeling like I used to feel 15 years ago when I had social anxiety/shyness that prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do. I would get invited out all the time, make lame excuses to not go and then bemoan the fact I was home alone.

Here I am, desperately wanting to be out and doing and experiencing with my friends and family, and yet I am tethered by the responsibility of work. I miss so much because of my work schedule.

I am feeling very excluded, sad, anxious, and frankly frustrated and angry. Have I done this to myself? A little replay of those years so long ago? That social anxiety I worked my ass off to be free of? Because I don't want this. I don't want to be always missing out on everything because I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn on a Saturday or race through a 60 minute commute at 8pm just to catch everyone as the fun is winding down, and I haven't even had dinner yet.

There has got to be a happy medium. Because this? Not making me in the least bit happy.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Beck

The World Keeps Spinning, Regardless of What We Do

Princess Leia, One with the Force