Saturday, February 14, 2015

I don't even know what to call this.

It's just after midnight. My brother's band played at a pretty big-for-Vermont venue this evening, and I couldn't go because of work. About a half hour ago, I got a text from my cousin whom I haven't seen in ages inviting me to the after party. Which I couldn't go to because I have to get up and go to work bright and early in the morning. Actually, this morning.

Right now I am feeling pretty miserable. I am feeling like I used to feel 15 years ago when I had social anxiety/shyness that prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do. I would get invited out all the time, make lame excuses to not go and then bemoan the fact I was home alone.

Here I am, desperately wanting to be out and doing and experiencing with my friends and family, and yet I am tethered by the responsibility of work. I miss so much because of my work schedule.

I am feeling very excluded, sad, anxious, and frankly frustrated and angry. Have I done this to myself? A little replay of those years so long ago? That social anxiety I worked my ass off to be free of? Because I don't want this. I don't want to be always missing out on everything because I have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn on a Saturday or race through a 60 minute commute at 8pm just to catch everyone as the fun is winding down, and I haven't even had dinner yet.

There has got to be a happy medium. Because this? Not making me in the least bit happy.

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