Showing posts from February, 2015

When it Hits You Like a Ton of Bricks

So, this happened this morning:

Note to self, when moving leave the curtains on the bedroom windows or you'll wake up at 6am even if you don't have to. I'm sure my neighbors really appreciated me hammering on a cast iron bed at 7:30 this morning. But considering they've been known to vacuum at around the same time I don't feel too guilty.

Last night was the last night I'll ever spend in this apartment. Tonight I'm at Best Guy's as it is his birthday. Tomorrow, the Great Move commences.

I was standing in the bedroom marveling at how small it looked without the bed set up, when I was just hit by how far I have journeyed over the last 20 years. This bed has been with me since my first apartment out of college. It used to be my.... great grandmother's? I think? Someone familial.

This piece of furniture has served me very well indeed. And now it's going to serve as the guest room bed at Best Guy's condo, and again in our new home when we sell the…

Home Stretch

It is Monday. On Saturday I will be moving. Just five days left in my old apartment.

It's crazy, yo.

I don't like spending time there anymore. It's not the sanctuary it once was. Nearly all wall decorations have been taken down. Almost everything else has been categorized into box up, throw out, or give away.

All that's left are those few key items that you absolutely can do nothing with until 45 minutes before you lock that door for the last time. A couple dishes, shampoo, toothpaste, my bed. And also about 20 things I just can't decide what to do with. But that's it.

I still have some logistical things to do like rent the U-Haul for this weekend and call a couple of the utilities, but for the most part I don't live there anymore.

So the fact that I have to spend Tuesday-Friday there is not filling me with joy. But it is those last days everyone who moves has to go through, isn't it? Those final days to say good-bye to all of the memories that live in t…

It's Ash Wednesday! That Means Things. I Guess.

Today is Ash Wednesday, which means it is the start of Lent. It is supposed honor the 40 days Jesus spent wandering the desert, fasting. If you observe this, the done thing is to give up something you enjoy during this time period as a way of emulating the trials and suffering Jesus went through.

I think?

Honestly, I don't recall an emphasis on this in my particular (Methodist) church growing up. I'm sure people did it but no one in our family made a big deal about it. All I knew from my Catholic friends was during the weeks leading up to Easter they had to eat fish on Fridays instead of meat. Which I understand even less. And let's not get started on the whole fish-isn't-meat deal.

Anyway. I know a lot of people who aren't religious who still like to give things up for Lent. I have even done it myself from time to time. A little self-sacrifice never hurt anyone, and sometimes it is good to prove to yourself that your vices don't run your life. At least for 40 …

I don't even know what to call this.

It's just after midnight. My brother's band played at a pretty big-for-Vermont venue this evening, and I couldn't go because of work. About a half hour ago, I got a text from my cousin whom I haven't seen in ages inviting me to the after party. Which I couldn't go to because I have to get up and go to work bright and early in the morning. Actually, this morning.

Right now I am feeling pretty miserable. I am feeling like I used to feel 15 years ago when I had social anxiety/shyness that prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do. I would get invited out all the time, make lame excuses to not go and then bemoan the fact I was home alone.

Here I am, desperately wanting to be out and doing and experiencing with my friends and family, and yet I am tethered by the responsibility of work. I miss so much because of my work schedule.

I am feeling very excluded, sad, anxious, and frankly frustrated and angry. Have I done this to myself? A little replay of those years …


This weekend Best Guy and I are bringing a bunch of things up to my Mom's for storage. It is a bit of a PITA but renting a van for a couple days is way cheaper than five months of a storage unit rental, so there you are.

I have started bringing easily transportable things to Best Guy's condo. Most of my clothes are now here... because that half of the closet isn't truly mine until the red heels are safely tucked away. I've also started bring other little pieces of me here. My cookie jar, a couple of plants, my cast iron frying pan. Little bits and pieces of me that make it easier to feel truly at home.

Last week I was stressing out pretty badly. I felt like I was being pulled in a zillion different directions and I had no place I could go where I could decompress. Now I do. It is funny that just bringing a few things to the condo made such a huge difference. I can see Me here now. This is my place too.

I was remarking to Best Guy last night that when I first starting s…

Zen and the Art of Moving

The thing about moving is, no matter how much you accomplish, it looks like you haven't done a damned thing until your place is completely empty. I'm not a particularly tidy person, but for the most part everything has its place. It may not always be *in* that place, but it has somewhere to go when I get sick of it.

Nothing has a place when you move. Everything is everywhere and in the wrong place or in a half-packed box. You have to make hard decisions about what still means something to you and is it worth hauling to the next location. Then you come upon those items that still give you a little tug at the heart-strings but are no longer a part of your life. You may put them in the donate box, recycle them or just throw them out. But those little pangs of good-bye add up.

I think part of the reason moving stirs up so many emotions is that, well, moving Things about generally stirs Things up. We become comfortable in the status quo of our surroundings. The outside world is ch…