Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Counting Down

I will not have time to post on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, so I wanted to take this opportunity to put to words everything that is floating through my head in this in-between time. I don't know how all connected this is, so bear with me.

The last couple years were years of deep, introspective, muck-out-the-stalls work. All good, but emotionally and mentally very draining. I distinctly remember this time last year (and even the year before) thinking and saying "holy fuck can we be done with the work now?"

Well, of course the answer to that is no. You always do the work. And the more work you do the more there is to do. It's the nature of the Aware Beast. Awareness is a gift, but sometimes the work it requires seems like a curse. But I think those of us on the Awareness path would all agree that we would rather not go back.

This year was very much a year of transition and finally beginning to see the fruits of my inner labors. I have been gifted with so much this year I never thought I would receive. I am so deeply humbled and blessed. To say I'm grateful doesn't begin to cover what I feel about this year.

Best Guy still does not believe that I have an inner bitch. Even after my brother - at our Christmas this past weekend - expounded upon my levels if Bitchdom.

What I am discovering is... I want to live up to his idea of my lack of bitchiness. Now, it's always going to be there. I know this. But what's that saying? "I want to be the person my dog thinks I am." Well, I want to be the person my Best Guy thinks I am. Not that I want to change who I am. Not at all. I just want to be the best Me I can be. And, frankly, I know I have things I need to improve.

I've mentioned before that I dislike myself when I devolve into Control Bitch. Maybe 2015 will be the year I finally get a muzzle on her. I think I'd like that a lot.

Over the last 10 years or so, on New Year's Day I would get out my Tarot cards and do a reading for the year ahead. I'd look at last year's see how "on" it was and write down what I saw for the coming 12 months. I'd then check on my list of goals from the previous year, see what I accomplished and write a new set for the new year.

Well, all of these are gone gone gone. Up in flames with the journals I burned earlier this year.

Possibly all for the best. I hope to get my tarot out some time in the next few days. Although I am unsure when I will find the time to sit with them. Soon, I hope.

As for goals in 2015? My goal for 2015 is to be the person my Best Guy thinks I am. My goal is to love life and be happy. My goal is to keep my heart open and be grateful. My goal is to experience this rich and glorious life and all it wishes to bless me with.

2012 and 2013 were years of letting go and doing the work. 2014 has been a year of integration and transition. I am seeing 2015 as a year of growth and change.

I am excited.

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