Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Counting Down

I will not have time to post on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, so I wanted to take this opportunity to put to words everything that is floating through my head in this in-between time. I don't know how all connected this is, so bear with me.

The last couple years were years of deep, introspective, muck-out-the-stalls work. All good, but emotionally and mentally very draining. I distinctly remember this time last year (and even the year before) thinking and saying "holy fuck can we be done with the work now?"

Well, of course the answer to that is no. You always do the work. And the more work you do the more there is to do. It's the nature of the Aware Beast. Awareness is a gift, but sometimes the work it requires seems like a curse. But I think those of us on the Awareness path would all agree that we would rather not go back.

This year was very much a year of transition and finally beginning to see the fruits of my inner labors. I have been gifted with so much this year I never thought I would receive. I am so deeply humbled and blessed. To say I'm grateful doesn't begin to cover what I feel about this year.

Best Guy still does not believe that I have an inner bitch. Even after my brother - at our Christmas this past weekend - expounded upon my levels if Bitchdom.

What I am discovering is... I want to live up to his idea of my lack of bitchiness. Now, it's always going to be there. I know this. But what's that saying? "I want to be the person my dog thinks I am." Well, I want to be the person my Best Guy thinks I am. Not that I want to change who I am. Not at all. I just want to be the best Me I can be. And, frankly, I know I have things I need to improve.

I've mentioned before that I dislike myself when I devolve into Control Bitch. Maybe 2015 will be the year I finally get a muzzle on her. I think I'd like that a lot.

Over the last 10 years or so, on New Year's Day I would get out my Tarot cards and do a reading for the year ahead. I'd look at last year's see how "on" it was and write down what I saw for the coming 12 months. I'd then check on my list of goals from the previous year, see what I accomplished and write a new set for the new year.

Well, all of these are gone gone gone. Up in flames with the journals I burned earlier this year.

Possibly all for the best. I hope to get my tarot out some time in the next few days. Although I am unsure when I will find the time to sit with them. Soon, I hope.

As for goals in 2015? My goal for 2015 is to be the person my Best Guy thinks I am. My goal is to love life and be happy. My goal is to keep my heart open and be grateful. My goal is to experience this rich and glorious life and all it wishes to bless me with.

2012 and 2013 were years of letting go and doing the work. 2014 has been a year of integration and transition. I am seeing 2015 as a year of growth and change.

I am excited.

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Christmas Eve

Today marks Day 3 of a 6-day extended shift work week. I am pulling out all the stops and I am grateful for all the work I'm getting. Unfortunately, this also means that I will be working on Christmas Day. I have one massage booked and I will stay to reception. We are open all holidays, although it's a crap shoot as to whether or not they are busy.

This evening Best Guy is coming over, so we will have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. We won't be doing anything special for dinner tonight as it will be after 8pm before I even get home. Plus historically the Williams Family usually fails Christmas Eve dinner. We always forget about it and end up just snacking through the evening. Which is what we'll do tonight. I'll have finger foods and cookies. Although the jury is still out as to whether I make the latter this morning or just buy some when I head to the store later. Also historically, store-bought Christmas cookies were sacrilege in our house. We are not a particularly religious family, but if we were said to worship anything it would be baked goods. However, I think the cookie gods will understand this time around.

It will be a small little Christmas morning since I have to leave for work by 11, but it will be our first so I'm sure it will be sweet and gushy because Best Guy will be there.  I've made some cinnamon buns (OMG you guys they came out AMAZEBALLS) and some egg and hash brown muffins for Christmas breakfast.

The Williams Family Christmas will be happening this Sunday at my brother's house. We will all pretend it is Christmas Day and there will be stockings and real homemade Christmas cookies and a feast and a half. Best Guy will also get to participate in that so again with the swoon.

Did I mention he's the best Christmas present?

Who needs Christmas cookies when I can manage saccharine gooberiness all on my own?

Whatever you celebrate this time of year (even if the only thing you're celebrating is the fact you get the 25th off every December), I hope it is a good one.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Yeah, okay... I'm fine.

I know that last post was a little dark and disturbing so I just kinda wanted to post that I am in fact okay. Everything is well.

The problem with doing Shadow Work is that it's dark, and intense, and when you share that kind of stuff it tends to freak people out a bit. Which is fine. Shadow Work should be uncomfortable. That's how you know you're doing it right.

Obviously I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday and while I'm still processing it and working through it, I'm better off for having that new information.

This time of year is a time of introspection and here in the Western Hemisphere we turn on all the lights and do our best to make the shadows disappear. The thing with shadows is, they're going to find you sooner or later. So either you can deal with them as you find them or wait for them to gang up on you and leave you tattered in the dust.

I'll take 'em as they come, and be stronger for it.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014


The Little One is angry. She is lashing out in cunning, mean little ways. She does not like where I am going. She is terrified of who I am becoming.

She doesn't trust anyone. She's been let down and broken too many times.

She has learned that she isn't deserving of the things everyone else takes for granted. She has turned so far inward that any attempts to reach her are met with growls and claws.

She thinks that I am abandoning Her. She has been with me, protecting me all this time and now I am turning away from Her.

All I can do is hold her close and show her that she is deserving, that she can trust.

She doesn't believe me. But I will not give up. Because the Little One is worth saving. She is Me, I am Her. We are deserving. Trust is our gift.

We are moving forward, together. Becoming something other than what we thought we were.

This is a good, scary, wonderful thing.

Little One, it is okay.

Monday, December 15, 2014

This, That, and Calling a Time Out

This weekend was quite the weekend. Saturday night I was supposed to perform in a show, but we got stuck in a snowbank and by the time the solitary tow guy in the world deigned to pull us out, the show was over. Ah well. We found a chinese food place on the way back home and ate until we were all 8 months pregnant with food babies. Nom.

Yesterday, Best Guy and I put up my Christmas tree. We were originally going to do this last Wednesday, but snow storms got in the way. It's all set up and pretty-like now.

Oh yeah... I made Best Guy his first "Christmas" ornament ever:
Mazel Tov!

It was the first one we put on the tree. Judaism Represent!!!!

After we put up the tree, we took a little walk around town to get some fresh air.

I do believe our "Cute Couple" rating is off the charts.

Today was the mad dash to get the majority of my Christmas shopping done, as time will be extra tight next week. The more I ran around today, the more out of sorts and unhappy I became. It got to the point where I was in the car fighting back tears. I wasn't even sure why.

So I called a time-out at 1:00 in the afternoon. I finished one last stop and then I went home. I decided that nothing more holiday-related was going to come into my awareness, I was not responsible for anyone or anything, and I was going to spend the rest of the day cozied up in my girl cave (aka my apartment).

The thing is, this time of year can be extremely overwhelming. You worry that you can't afford to get your loved ones what they really want and how much weight you'll gain because of those glorious holiday treats that only come out once a year. You worry about the weather and if you'll be able to get to/from work without having an accident. Loved ones who are no longer around are missed keenly. Or maybe your not-so-loved ones take your last nerve and play Cat's Cradle with it.
Frayed nerves being twisted to and fro? This time of year? Naaaaaah.

There is so much social/cultural pressure this time of year to go the extra distance and to force the jolly that it can be too much. So calling a time-out? Perfectly reasonable and legit. It's called Honoring Yourself. It's okay to acknowledge your limits and when you've pushed beyond them. It's okay to say "I need to not do this, not focus on this for an hour/a day." Hell, it's okay to say "Screw this. I'm skipping everything and going on a cruise to Tahiti. See you January 5th."

Since I can't afford a cruise to Tahiti, I'm settling for an afternoon on the couch, in my jammies and under a blanket. Bad movies on the TV, laptop on my lap. Tonight, I have no responsibilities and am beholden to nothing and nobody. Tomorrow, I'll be back and ready to go.

But tonight? Unless you've got alcohol and/or chocolate and a DVD of something with lots of explosions, I'm not interested.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Artistic Endeavors

 My grandmother painted this. It was just something she did sometimes. It is, most ironically enough, a picture of the town in which I currently work. Heck, my current place of employment is the red brick building. Kinda ironic, especially considering she most likely painted it before I was born.

Mom is pretty sure she either painted it from memory or an old photo, because there is some definite artistic license taken with the geography. I know exactly the view she's looking at based on the landmarks, but there are a lot of buildings missing that would have been there when she painted it. It's a quaint little town and such places tend not to change that much.

My grandmother was an untrained artist. She was also a nurse in World War 2 (where she met my biological grandfather), later on a career nurse and mother and stepmother, a library volunteer, an author, and an all 'round amazing lady.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


This time of year always makes me feel sad and anxious.

The anxiety... well, a lot of that comes from media bombardment. Buy This! Buy That! 6am Doorbusters! Your significant other really wants that TV, forget about the debt you'll go in to purchase it. Holiday Movies! A Boyfriend for Christmas! Sad, Lonely, Career Girl Wishes for Love from Santa Because The Only Time A Woman is Fulfilled is When She's Married!

Woah. Enough Hallmark Channel for me....

The sadness... well. Have 3/4 of your family knock off in a six year time frame and you're bound to feel their absence this time of the year.

I celebrate Christmas. I let go of the Christian religious aspects of it a long time ago. I put up a tree, but there is no star or angel at the top of it; rather a Holly King (pretending to be Santa) gets the honor. I give presents, not because the Wise Men did it, but because its a way to show my love, appreciation and affection for my friends and family. I listen to Christmas carols not because they celebrate Baby Jesus but because some of them are true works of art (and others just make me smile). I don't get angry over the Christmas consumerism because it removes Christ from Christmas. I get angry because it is indicative of larger, more insidious cultural, political and economic issues that also contribute to the sadness and anxiety I feel.

I have very fond memories of this holiday growing up. My dad loved it. My extended family came over and the house was full of conversation, people, love and food. Seeing this beloved childhood tradition crack, crumble, and dissolve altogether in my adulthood broke my heart. The holiday is bittersweet these days. This year, I will be introducing it to Best Guy as it is his first Christmas. I am struggling to find my old love for it in order share with him a brief glimmer of why I carry on the tradition even now and still take into account this is not his tradition and to be sensitive of his comfort level.

December is a dark, introspective month for the Northern Hemisphere. That is the reason there are so many celebrations of light across so many cultures. In the immortal words of Albus Dumbledore, "Happiness can be found in even the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

However you choose to turn on the light in this December darkness, I hope it fills you with happiness and love.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


Last night in dance class while we were warming up the teacher had us go into Pigeon Pose, and I was knocked over the head with the realization that it has been months since I've gone to an actual yoga class. At least three, possibly more.

Look at me, all bendy and outside and warm. Those were the days....

And I call myself a "yoga teacher."

I'd like to think that these days I'm focusing more on the subtle internals of Yoga as opposed to the asanas.

Yeah, I like to think that.

It's really not all that far from the truth, I suppose. I am doing my best to refrain from judging (or at least calling myself on it when I do), maintain honesty, breath through troubling situations, maintain respect, kindness and compassion for others. Best Guy and I go to meditation sits on Sunday nights (but not every Sunday night, because I am a bad influence on him).

I guess the reality is, when things are going well you tend to not follow all those habits that made you feel better when things weren't going so well. Yoga helped me through a pretty rough patch in my life. These days, I'm feeling pretty good about things and frankly, I just don't want to delve back into the Shadow. I know it's there (it always is), but god DAMN it I've spent so much of my life hindered by it I just want to fucking enjoy the light a little.

I have been feeling anxious on and off - mostly on - for almost two weeks now. There are a lot of different things feeding in to my low-level anxiety, unfortunately. The Yoga has helped me recognize, breathe through, and if not release then at least name all of the different feeds. Sometimes simply being able to name it takes the power out of the distress.

Yoga is there for the good times and the not-so-good times. It makes a bad day better and a good day great. So really, I have no excuse for not going. I just haven't wanted to, haven't made the effort to, found other things to do (up to and including sitting on the couch in my pajamas watching Buffy re-runs).

The thing is, you don't need a class to do Yoga. The poses are just a small part of it. Going inward, silencing the mind, opening it up, opening yourself up. That's all Yoga.

And that is something you can do in your pajamas on the couch. Maybe mute Buffy though.

This is Two.

Monday the 21st was our 2-year wedding anniversary. We build the Matrimonial Pizza, with my brother officiating and my Chick of Honor wat...