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Showing posts from December, 2014

Counting Down

I will not have time to post on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, so I wanted to take this opportunity to put to words everything that is floating through my head in this in-between time. I don't know how all connected this is, so bear with me.

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The last couple years were years of deep, introspective, muck-out-the-stalls work. All good, but emotionally and mentally very draining. I distinctly remember this time last year (and even the year before) thinking and saying "holy fuck can we be done with the work now?"

Well, of course the answer to that is no. You always do the work. And the more work you do the more there is to do. It's the nature of the Aware Beast. Awareness is a gift, but sometimes the work it requires seems like a curse. But I think those of us on the Awareness path would all agree that we would rather not go back.

This year was very much a year of transition and finally beginning to see the fruits of my inner labors. I have been gifted with…

Christmas Eve

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Today marks Day 3 of a 6-day extended shift work week. I am pulling out all the stops and I am grateful for all the work I'm getting. Unfortunately, this also means that I will be working on Christmas Day. I have one massage booked and I will stay to reception. We are open all holidays, although it's a crap shoot as to whether or not they are busy.

This evening Best Guy is coming over, so we will have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together. We won't be doing anything special for dinner tonight as it will be after 8pm before I even get home. Plus historically the Williams Family usually fails Christmas Eve dinner. We always forget about it and end up just snacking through the evening. Which is what we'll do tonight. I'll have finger foods and cookies. Although the jury is still out as to whether I make the latter this morning or just buy some when I head to the store later. Also historically, store-bought Christmas cookies were sacrilege in our house. We are n…

Yeah, okay... I'm fine.

I know that last post was a little dark and disturbing so I just kinda wanted to post that I am in fact okay. Everything is well.

The problem with doing Shadow Work is that it's dark, and intense, and when you share that kind of stuff it tends to freak people out a bit. Which is fine. Shadow Work should be uncomfortable. That's how you know you're doing it right.

Obviously I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday and while I'm still processing it and working through it, I'm better off for having that new information.

This time of year is a time of introspection and here in the Western Hemisphere we turn on all the lights and do our best to make the shadows disappear. The thing with shadows is, they're going to find you sooner or later. So either you can deal with them as you find them or wait for them to gang up on you and leave you tattered in the dust.

I'll take 'em as they come, and be stronger for it.


Warfare

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The Little One is angry. She is lashing out in cunning, mean little ways. She does not like where I am going. She is terrified of who I am becoming.

She doesn't trust anyone. She's been let down and broken too many times.

She has learned that she isn't deserving of the things everyone else takes for granted. She has turned so far inward that any attempts to reach her are met with growls and claws.

She thinks that I am abandoning Her. She has been with me, protecting me all this time and now I am turning away from Her.

All I can do is hold her close and show her that she is deserving, that she can trust.

She doesn't believe me. But I will not give up. Because the Little One is worth saving. She is Me, I am Her. We are deserving. Trust is our gift.

We are moving forward, together. Becoming something other than what we thought we were.

This is a good, scary, wonderful thing.

Little One, it is okay.

This, That, and Calling a Time Out

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This weekend was quite the weekend. Saturday night I was supposed to perform in a show, but we got stuck in a snowbank and by the time the solitary tow guy in the world deigned to pull us out, the show was over. Ah well. We found a chinese food place on the way back home and ate until we were all 8 months pregnant with food babies. Nom.

Yesterday, Best Guy and I put up my Christmas tree. We were originally going to do this last Wednesday, but snow storms got in the way. It's all set up and pretty-like now.

Oh yeah... I made Best Guy his first "Christmas" ornament ever:

It was the first one we put on the tree. Judaism Represent!!!!

After we put up the tree, we took a little walk around town to get some fresh air.





Today was the mad dash to get the majority of my Christmas shopping done, as time will be extra tight next week. The more I ran around today, the more out of sorts and unhappy I became. It got to the point where I was in the car fighting back tears. I wasn'…

Artistic Endeavors

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My grandmother painted this. It was just something she did sometimes. It is, most ironically enough, a picture of the town in which I currently work. Heck, my current place of employment is the red brick building. Kinda ironic, especially considering she most likely painted it before I was born.

Mom is pretty sure she either painted it from memory or an old photo, because there is some definite artistic license taken with the geography. I know exactly the view she's looking at based on the landmarks, but there are a lot of buildings missing that would have been there when she painted it. It's a quaint little town and such places tend not to change that much.

My grandmother was an untrained artist. She was also a nurse in World War 2 (where she met my biological grandfather), later on a career nurse and mother and stepmother, a library volunteer, an author, and an all 'round amazing lady.


Decemberish

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This time of year always makes me feel sad and anxious.

The anxiety... well, a lot of that comes from media bombardment. Buy This! Buy That! 6am Doorbusters! Your significant other really wants that TV, forget about the debt you'll go in to purchase it. Holiday Movies! A Boyfriend for Christmas! Sad, Lonely, Career Girl Wishes for Love from Santa Because The Only Time A Woman is Fulfilled is When She's Married!

Woah. Enough Hallmark Channel for me....

The sadness... well. Have 3/4 of your family knock off in a six year time frame and you're bound to feel their absence this time of the year.

I celebrate Christmas. I let go of the Christian religious aspects of it a long time ago. I put up a tree, but there is no star or angel at the top of it; rather a Holly King (pretending to be Santa) gets the honor. I give presents, not because the Wise Men did it, but because its a way to show my love, appreciation and affection for my friends and family. I listen to Christmas carols n…

The Yoga of ARGGGGGHHHHHHH

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Last night in dance class while we were warming up the teacher had us go into Pigeon Pose, and I was knocked over the head with the realization that it has been months since I've gone to an actual yoga class. At least three, possibly more.


And I call myself a "yoga teacher."

I'd like to think that these days I'm focusing more on the subtle internals of Yoga as opposed to the asanas.

Yeah, I like to think that.

It's really not all that far from the truth, I suppose. I am doing my best to refrain from judging (or at least calling myself on it when I do), maintain honesty, breath through troubling situations, maintain respect, kindness and compassion for others. Best Guy and I go to meditation sits on Sunday nights (but not every Sunday night, because I am a bad influence on him).

I guess the reality is, when things are going well you tend to not follow all those habits that made you feel better when things weren't going so well. Yoga helped me through a pre…