Friday, October 31, 2014

When Life Gives you Lemons, You Hoard that Shit

The bi-annual Work Slow Down is officially upon me. Eek. I did not make enough money this summer to make it through until the season re-starts in December.

But you know this, because I've said it like eight gazillion times.

I paid my first of the month bills today. I had enough to cover them in the bank, but I am worried about the things due next week. I'm not going to make enough this week to cover them. I have enough in the bank to pay them, thankfully, but shit's about to get real.

Usually, when I start getting freaked out about budget stuff I go to the grocery store to buy food. Because ironically enough that makes me feel safe. Worried about the electric bill? Stock up on dry goods. Don't ask.

Since I really need to curb my food budget, instead of buying food I went through my cupboards and cooked instead. I made a huge thing of rice to eat off for the next few days and was able to cobble together some chili, bulked up with frozen vegetables and leftover bread bits from an old recipe.

I have plenty to get through the next couple of weeks. I am a clever girl who can actually cook and bake, and I have enough in my pantry to do just fine, thank you. Any cash tip money I make will go to refilling the food coffers. I just need to remember not to eat myself out of house and home, because that's another stress reliever of mine. Eating.

I will be okay. Sometimes I just need to write that down and say it out loud.

In the meantime... know anyone who need a massage?

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Yes, I'll take another Chinese of Helping, Please.

I was at work yesterday afternoon when I got a text from Best Guy: How would you feel if I showed up at your house after work with Chinese?

That would be a double helping of YES PLEASE.

It was apropos of nothing, and we didn't have any plans to see each other for a couple days. I had mentioned a week ago that I'd been craving Chinese for months now and I'd been finding its MSG-induced happiness elusive. So he brought me some. Just because it would make me happy.

Now you know why I'm calling him My Best Guy.

I have been an independent gal for a very long time now. I have learned to take care of things on my own. Unfortunately, I've also learned to never - or at least seldom - rely on others to help meet my needs. My immediate family is the only real exception to that. We're all so stubbornly independent that if one of us asks for help it's automatically given, because if we've gotten to the point where we're asking all hell's about to break loose.

Why is it I can be so giving with others, yet accepting it back makes me feel vaguely embarrassed? If I do something nice for someone its from my generous spirit and nothing is owed, but if someone does something nice for me I owe them a favor? Um... how did that develop in my brain? Generosity is a gift, nothing is owed anyone except Gratitude.

This new relationship of mine has brought to the forefront (in a gentle manner for once thank the stars), that you can be independent and still accept help and generosity from others. Yes, I can do it myself. But I don't have to. Isn't that better?

It's a duck sauce covered, MSG-laden, deep-fried egg roll of better.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Redecoration Process Complete

Hello all. I'd like to introduce all of you to my new heater:

Isn't it... oversized and unwieldy? But it works. In fact, I turned it on last night after I got home. It smelled funny but I was told that would happen. Ten minutes later, Best Guy looks up and says "is it really hazy in here?"

Yes, yes it was.

Thus began my frantic run to open all the windows and doors and air it out before the fire alarm went off. Because I am terrified of the fire alarm.

So today I've been pulsing it on and off to start burning out the dust and bad smells. It looks like the worst of the dust got blown out last night, so I'm grateful. The smell is still there, but I can handle that so long as the smoke doesn't come back.

I think this heater is going to work very well for me. Now I can commence worrying that they installed it too high on the wall for my low ceilings and the sheer heat will set off the fire alarm. Which has happened to me. At 3am. Which is why I am terrified of fire alarms.

Welcome to my crazy brain.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Evil Bits of Paper that Control your Life

Oh, finances. How I abhor thee.

This has been a lean year work-wise. It is not specific to my place of work, and others in my town are feeling a similar pinch. We're not exactly sure where it's coming from, but my thought is many people are being diverted to a larger place up the road. Hey, it happens. It's the box store effect.

I still think we'll be fine come winter, but this summer was spare and I simply have not made the funds necessary to weather the late-fall slow season. This, coupled with the fact that virtually all of my expenses have increased this year, is making me nervous.

I hate being nervous about money.

It's such a stupid thing to have to worry about. I mean, it's not even real. Money is just pieces of paper and bits of metal we all agree have value. Hell, in today's digital world it's not even that. It's just numbers on a screen.

I'm getting worried over numbers on a freaking screen.


I may very well need to take on a second job. This is something I loathe to do but I may have no choice. Hell, I'm considering getting an office job. I love being a massage therapist. But it's not an easy life. It takes a toll on you physically, mentally, and emotionally. And unless you are one of the lucky few, you are always hustling for the next commission. As much as I would prefer not to take an office job, not having to worry about taking unpaid time off, buying groceries, or even buying new clothes after wearing out the last batch you bought two years ago makes cubicle dwelling a tad more appealing.

God damn money. Harumph.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Rainy Fall Days

I've been feeling... off... all day. Or the better part of the day. Not wrong, just... off. I can't explain it. Don't know if I'm supposed to be able to explain it. Maybe it's something astrological, maybe it's atmospheric, maybe my hormones have just decided to all shift to the right and throw me off balance.

What... that's not a thing?

Who knows... probably I'll wake up in the morning and feel right as rain. But tonight I feel all skeejawed and wonky.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014


I finally had to give in and turn my heat on yesterday. I tried to make it to November 1st, I really did. But when you turn the heat on to 60 degrees and it kicks on right away, it's time.

I've got the icky electric heat on now, but only for a few more days. This heater is getting replaced:

As you can see, it's been an excellent shelf for the time that I've lived in this apartment. I had a falling out with the gas company who owned it (worst customer service EVER) and since I had another heating option - albeit a far more expensive one - I chose not to give them my money. Shooting myself in the foot? Maybe. Saving myself tons of headaches and frustrations? Worth it.

On Thursday morning, my landlord will be ripping this old model out and replacing it with a newer model and a new gas company. One with whom I have been with before and have always had good experiences.

So, between a new heater and the insulation that went up on the outside of the apartment building this summer, I should have a toasty warm winter. As toasty warm as 65 degrees can get, anyway.

But since I'll now be using my new heater for its intended purpose, I'll need to find new homes for everything on it. And also the chair, because where it is located now would be considered a fire hazard for a running heater. So if I move this there, that over here, and put that in another room...

I may have too much stuff.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Poetry Corner: Falling

Falling, Part One

Do not dive deep
Keep it shallow
Do not fall hard
there are no cushions here
to break your fall
Do not let your mind
plant the seeds
of glorious stories
and what-ifs
and maybes
because they will never sprout
Do not hope for anything other
than what is right now
Simply enjoy

Falling, Part Two
Fuck it
Fall hard
Fall gloriously
over-the-top hard
Revel in the speed
as you topple over the cliff
Wrap yourself up
in the sheer delight
of glorious stories
and what-ifs
Hope for the stars
and they will be granted to you

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Show Your Work

The thing about starting down the path of "doing the work" is, there is always more to do. Just when you think you've got it all sorted, gotten everything figured out, let go of everything that needed to be jettisoned... something else emerges.

Maybe it's a big thing. Maybe it's a little thing. But there is always some thing.

You can be the most annoyingly happy person in the world and there is still more work to be done. More facing of the shit.

The more work you do, the more work there is to do.

I've also noticed something else. When you don't fight it, it gets a little easier. At least with the smaller stuff. All bets are off with the big bastards but you're better off not fighting them either as their punch will knock you down for the count.

In the book Radical Acceptance (have you not bought this book? Buy. It.) the author talks about inviting your demons to sit down for tea. When you acknowledge what is coming up and accept it unconditionally, it loses some of its weight. When you look at what it is and just say "Oh hi! Come, sit. Tell me what it is I need to learn from you", its power over you diminishes.

Of course, sometimes you have to invite the demons to breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, luncheon, tea, dinner and supper before you can make any headway, but at least tea tends to have cake.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Oh, Hai.

Please ignore this ridiculously happy girl over here.

One thing I strive for on this blog is honesty... because if I can't be honest with myself and what I'm experiencing, what is the point? However, I also realize that what I post here can have repercussions if I'm not careful. Granted, my viewership is small but it is out there for anyone to find should they wish to do so.

But this blog is about my journey through this life and that includes ups, downs, and everything in between. And let's face it, I'm the Queen of playing things close to the vest. When something truly matters to me, I often won't say anything. I'll keep it inside, hoarding it if it's something good or hiding it if it's something painful. I am trying to get better at speaking because as the saying goes, sharing is caring.

So... in that vein... I feel I would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't admit (freely and with no provocation) that I am utterly in love with Someone Special.


*Cue overly sappy instrumental music*

It's new. It's exciting. It is amazingly complicated and surprisingly simple, all at the same time. And I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to work. I swing between glitter rainbows and unicorns and being terrified of fucking things up. I get the nervous giggles whenever I'm around him and I cannot. stop. GRINNING.

My heart has burst open and I couldn't pull the pieces back together, even if I wanted to. I've got it bad, y'all. And it is so very, very wonderful.

Deliriously Happy Kate enjoys life

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Sparky People and Speaking Your Truth

Well, I lost the 2 pounds I gained last week, so I'm back down to 5 pounds lost. Which is pretty surprising as I've pretty much been ignoring SparkPeople for the better part of a week. Things got away from me, what can I say? So this is pretty much despite myself but I will still take it!

I've been thinking a lot these last few days about truth-speaking. I don't mean telling the truth, which I have no problem with. In fact, I am probably a little too honest sometimes. I mean honoring your inherent Truth. That which you know deep inside, that which benefits and builds you up most.

Speaking your Truth can be very difficult, because you're putting your Self out there for everyone to see and, of course, judge. At least, that's what it can feel like. It's a lot easier to not say anything, to not stick up for yourself, to just go with the flow instead of rocking the boat.

I think a LOT of people (myself included) got the idea at some point that speaking up for yourself is inherently rude and the polite person will acquiesce to others. Which can go one of two ways:

  1. Both of you refuse to speak your Truth because it would be rude so you end up just staring at each other, almost daring the other person to be the one to have to speak. 
  2. The one who never speaks gets continually railroaded and never gets any of their Truths recognized.
Either way, you're pretty much screwed. You never acknowledge your Truth, so your needs are subjugated to whoever is willing to vocalize theirs. 

I have a terrible habit of not speaking when I should. I will gladly hide behind the written word, because there I can take my time, form my opinions, delete and rewrite until things are just so. In the real world, I get flustered and nervous when my Truth needs to be spoken. If it is a good Truth I should speak, I get embarrassed because I'm having The Feels and I down-play it by making jokes. If something hurts, I will retreat behind a wall that I don't realize has gone up until a significant time later. I will not say "this hurts." I will not say "I'm angry." I will pretend nothing happened, I'm fine thank you very much. I have gladly rearranged my life to suit the needs of others, simply because I was thrilled they were willing to notice my existence. I was never the recipient of the same honor.

I am working on all of these. Because having The Feels is not a bad thing, and if something or someone hurts me, pretending it didn't happen is not doing me any favors. I have my own life, and if you are not willing to make room in yours for me, why should I cancel mine for you? Speaking your Truth is a good thing, and if anyone is offended by your Truth then they are not Your People. Simple as that. 

We all have our Truths. They are all valid. They all deserve their time in the sun. They all deserve acceptance.

This is Two.

Monday the 21st was our 2-year wedding anniversary. We build the Matrimonial Pizza, with my brother officiating and my Chick of Honor wat...