Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Tissues for my Issues

I am a bossy lady. Not Boss Lady. But bossy. Biiiiiiiig difference. I believe I've made reference many times to the fact my Kindergarten teacher likened me to Lucy from the Peanuts. Call if First Child syndrome, learned behavior, inherited behavior, or my shadow issues rearing their ugly heads, I will tell you what needs to be done, how you should do it, and why you are doing it wrong.

Over the years, I have tried desperately to temper my control issues with kindness, compassion, and understanding. I have done my best to let go and let people do their own thing. Because there really is more than one way to do things in this world, and I fully realize my way is not the best - or only - way to get things done

I hate being bossy. I hate seeing the looks on people's faces when I spiral down to that place and I just cannot shut myself up. I know for a fact that acquaintanceships that could have blossomed into friendships never did because my Control Flag flew a few too many times and they said "I sooo don't need this shit in my life." Rightfully so.

There is only so much deep breathing I can do before the Bossy Lady comes out. Sometimes I catch her, but often when I'm spiraling in stress she's out before I know it. Then it's a fight to not let what is underneath her surface. You see, Bossy Lady is another shade of my bitch lady, and Her real name is Morrigan. Let me tell you... once She gets out you run for cover.

I don't want to be known as the Bossy chick. I hate the spiraling and I hate the pressure I put on myself that causes the spiraling. I don't want to be wound this tightly. I struggle with it daily. DAILY. Some days I manage to do okay, sometimes Bossy Lady wins.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Except maybe to say to all of you who run into me on the days where Bossy Lady is driving that I'm sorry and I'm trying.

Although, if you ever run into Morrigan you probably deserve it so it's all on you there.

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