Last week my exercise was to notice when I was "nice" and when I was "real". I didn't notice much of a difference over the week so either I'm pretty good at being real or insanely good at deluding myself. I think it was more of a matter that I didn't really do anything that required me to choose between the two. So, moving forward I am going to keep my eyes open and hope I catch myself before I fall from real into nice. Hope springs eternal, eh?
This week's exercise is:
Spend this entire week in self-expression... Act on life-giving opportunities, despite the consequences. Observe what happens in you. Observe how others react. If you find yourself in self-indulgence, ask yourself: "what am I not expressing?"This is another good one. I'm self-indulgent a lot. Especially when it comes to food. The bane of my waist line. I'm very good at making excuses, especially when it's 10:30 pm, I've had a long day at work and I'm sitting on the couch watching television, alone.
So what am I not expressing? Oh, so much. Loneliness. Anger. Sadness. Frustration. Confusion. You know, the usual suspects. So maybe I tell myself that extra slice of pizza won't hurt me this one time. Or it's okay to have that fourth slice of bread slathered in butter. Or peanut butter on a spoon.
Come ON. Peanut butter on a spoon people! How can that be a bad thing?!
So maybe self-indulgence isn't so much lying to yourself as pulling the covers up over your head so you don't have to see the truth. It's a way to hide, a coping mechanism when the truth gets to be too much to handle.
'Cause lets face it, sometimes the truth sucks donkey balls and you're sick to death of all the truth being hurled at you and fuck it if a chocolate chip cookie the size of your face is going to make you feel better then you're going to eat the goddamned cookie. Self-indulgent? Absolutely. But the truth is still there after the cookie is gone, isn't it? So, what are you going to do, eat another cookie or deal the truth you're trying to avoid?
And we all know that sometimes the second cookie wins. Sometimes, so does the fifth. After that, we just stop counting. But maybe if we faced the truth in the first place, we wouldn't have to count at all.
Then a cookie is just a cookie.