Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Wanna be the One... in Control

I guess I am truly a child of the 80's because you say "control" and I mentally go off on a Janet Jackson tangent.


I've been thinking a lot the past couple days about my need to control things. Okay, so I've been thinking a lot lately period, but this is one of the many other things I've been thinking about. Also on the list is my upcoming vacation, candy corn, and cheese. Oh, by the way I made it all the way to the end of day two of my cleanse before I had a run-in with the aforementioned cheese.

Wow, talk about tangents.

I'm getting a little worried that my need to be in control and to have things done "properly" is getting in the way of, well, playing nicely with others. I mean, who made me the boss? Who made my way the right way? The only way? When did I become the Puppet Master? I feel like I'm turning into Sheldon Cooper and whenever someone does something different from what I think should be done I have to tell them exactly what they're doing wrong, why, and how to do it right.

I mean, at work I have to tell myself to shut it when I see someone preparing towels for the towel warmer differently from how I do it. It's frakking damp towels! Girl, ease up a little. What is my problem?

Where is this coming from? Why am I so bossy? What am I trying to accomplish by ordering people around like this? Because I can guarantee it's a first class way to alienate people. Which I don't want to do. I mean no one likes everyone, but I don't want the reason a person dislikes me to be because I told them they can't make hot towels correctly.

So yeah, guess I need to figure out why I feel the need to boss people around. Maybe I'll blame it on being a first-born. Lord knows this habit goes back far enough. Did I tell you my kindergarten teacher once described me a Lucy from the Peanuts? Because I was always bossing people around.

Holy moly, this may be genetics. This may be beyond me.


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

What's This Crazy Girl Up To Now?

Okay, so first I need to get this out of the way:

Good? Very good.


So yesterday I was out and about doing my Fall Food Stocking Journey. Yes, the Costco run. I actually came in under budget there, and I do believe I'm the first person to ever say that. In addition to Costco, I went to a local health food store for a couple bulk items and local eggs, and this great store called Cheese Traders. They have fantastic cheeses (of course), great wines, interesting European foods, and so on and so forth. They also have an ever-changing selection of discounted items like over-stocks, dented cans (which are almost always organic) or discontinued items.

I was wandering around in there stocking up on dented organic bpa-free canned beans ($1.25 vs. $2.50, yo) when I wandered into the fridge section and found this:

I've been toying around with the idea of doing a juice cleanse/fast for a little while now, but did not want to go to the hassle or expense of a juicing machine and the ensuing mass of produce that goes with it. This seemed like the perfect compromise. Three days, juices provided, and a little booklet of recipes and directions (apparently you get to eat some on this). Plus is was super cheap, so I wasn't wasting like $30 if I didn't like the juices.

I figured why not?

So, I'm starting it today. I'm drinking the "Prepare" right now. It's nice, but woo does that cayenne give it a kick. I'm going in to this super unprepared. As in, I'm still drinking coffee. Because I really don't feel like taking two weeks to ween myself off my two cups a day, and it's better for humanity if I don't go cold turkey. I also don't really have all the ingredients they call for with some of the recipes, but I'll be damned if I'm going back to the store. I've got enough healthy food to at least stay within the parameters of what they describe in their booklet.

I'll keep you posted. This may all come to a screaming halt tonight after working all day on juice and vegetables. I'll be wandering the streets like a raving lunatic moaning "CHOOOCOLAAAATE"...

Monday, October 28, 2013

Nothing Much to See Here...

I guess I've been laying low for the last week or so. I've been concentrating a lot on work lately. With the slow time right around the corner, I'm taking every last opportunity I can to make a couple extra dollars.

I am taking some time off in a couple weeks. It's not enough time, but it'll have to do. I'm not going anywhere in particular, but again my staycation will have to do. What I really want to do is go to France for a couple weeks. Sigh. I don't think my credit card limit is high enough for that. Sigh. Goals... it is good to have goals.

The weather has definitely turned to late fall here. The temperature has finally dropped to the 40s/50s and I had to turn the heat on last week. Gulp. I have it set at 60 and it seems to be doing the trick. I think we are going to have a good old-fashioned New England winter this year. I think the snow is going to come early and stay late. The mountains have already had snow and when I drove in to work Saturday morning it was through a squall that thankfully didn't amount to anything. I'm just not ready for that yet.

Right now it's rainy and gray. I had hoped to get a walk in this morning but I don't think that's going to happen. I bought myself a 10-class pass to my Yoga studio this morning and I plan on using my first class this afternoon. I've always wanted to try Kundalini yoga, and what better time than now?

I am still struggling with how to integrate my yoga training into my life. Well, not so much struggling as... well, I don't know. Many in my class are already teaching and loving it. I'm not done percolating yet, I guess. When it's right, it'll happen. In the mean time, I'm going to keep going to as many classes as I can and as many teachers as I can. There is always something new to learn.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

I Think Too Much

We're coming in to our slow time at work, and this year I am determined to not be caught unaware. Unlike last year when I had a major freakout. This year I've already set aside money for Christmas so I don't have to worry about going into debt for that. I am also planning a Costco run sometime in the next week or two to stock up on healthy food.

At some point in the last few days, I started examining my idea of stocking up in terms of the yamas and niyamas of yoga. Specifically aparigraha: the yama meaning "non-hoarding." Am I doing something responsible, making sure my own needs are being met? Or am I, in fact, hoarding food away because deep down I'm afraid of starving?

As a society, we are almost to a person all guilty of not following aparigraha. A capitalist society almost demands it as our economic backbone. Buy more, have more, more more more. If it's last year's model then throw it away for something newer and shinier. Watch home improvement shows and everyone is consumed with storage space... for things they don't really need and haven't actually used in lord knows how long.
Pretty, shiny, useless things for you to buy
Do we really need all the stuff we accumulate in order to live life day to day? Do I really need to upgrade my cell phone every year? My computer every two? My television every three? My car every five? Do I really need all of these clothes? All of these books? Pillows? Blankets? DVDs? Do I really need to go to Costco and buy a 6-loaf pack of bread? 24 cans of diced tomatoes? 3 pounds of tofu? A 24-pack of boca burgers? Or is this feeding into our societal psychosis?

See, I told you. I think too much.

I think difference between stocking up on foodstuffs for a financial dry spell and hoarding is that I will actually use every last item I purchase. I will use it up until its gone. Hoarding is just the opposite. It is purchasing something simply for the having of it. It is an inability to share, an unwillingness to let go.

If y'all want to come over for dinner after my Costco run, I'm more than happy to share. Just sayin'.

I guess in the end questioning of your own motives is never a bad thing, if it helps you understand yourself a little better. But holy wow would my life be a lot easier if I didn't have to worry if stocking up on almond milk constituted an ethical dilemma.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Yoga Flow

Study hard
Learn all the things. Then learn some more. Cram it all in. Then worry you've left something out so start over.
Change your practical sequence two hours before you teach it because it doesn't flow well
Somehow ace the final written exam
Get one of the best pieces of paper of your life


Friday, October 18, 2013

My Last Yoga Weekend Starts Today.

Tonight, I will take my written examination.

Tomorrow, I will teach a 20 minute session as my practical.

Sunday, I will be a yoga teacher.

I am not good with endings of this caliber, generally speaking. I know they must come and I accept them. It's not like something new and fabulous isn't just around the corner. But it takes me a little while to make the transition. I get a little lost in the "what now?" I get a little sad because something so big and wonderful is not there in my life anymore.

When I graduated from massage school, I wanted my friends and family to be there. I wanted to celebrate with them because it was a big deal to me. It was a big accomplishment of which I was justifiably proud.

This time around, the graduation is more subtle for me. This was a solitary, inward journey. The people who helped me the most though this journey were my fellow classmates. I know pretty much everyone else in class will have their family present during the open portion of our graduation ceremony. This is their transition, their grand accomplishment. They are proud of what they accomplished, and their friends and family supported them in their efforts. As well they should be!

I feel like, while I am "graduating" and can now be a yoga teacher, my journey is far from over. I have come a long way in the last 10 months. I am no longer a grieving, wounded soul looking to find some solace in something larger than myself. Or maybe I am. Maybe, in the end, we ALL are.

All I know is, in the end, this is just one step along a great long path and I'm not sure where it ends. I grieve for its end, and yet I look forward to the possibilities that are still out there. Waiting.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

T minus 3 Days and Counting

You don't count the day you're on, right?

I graduate from Yoga Teacher Training this weekend. Written test Friday evening (tomorrow. GAH). 20 minute Practical Teach Saturday (GAH GAH) and graduation on Sunday (PHEW).

The yogi takes a break from studying (and ignores the need to clean) by taking a Selfie.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Poetry Corner

It's been a while since I've posted my terrible, horrible, no-good poetry. Here you go! She said with an evil grin.

Most of these are several months old (at least) as I haven't had much time lately to sufficiently wallow in my emotions until a poem crapped out. But hey... yay for not wallowing!


Coming out of the Temple
and into the city
The shining, glorious city
of friends and family
those I love and who love me
past, present, future
Received with open arms
and smiles
Here, I am loved unconditionally
and those who couldn't show it before
now can, free from restraint
Somewhere, you are here
in this gleaming city
My heart shines
knowing this


I want to merge
I want to become one
entwined together
no ending, no beginning
just sinking
down, down
into each other
our molecules
The universe is us
and there is nothing else


Sit through it
Let the breath rise and fall
let the ears catch
the passing train
the tweeting bird
the passing traffic
Let the mind still
(and babble)
(and still, again)
Sit through it
through the urge
to fidgetbouncejitter
through the urge
to leap up and do
but sit through it
so, sit
just... sit


There is sadness
there is anger
There is nothing wrong with this
Pain is pain
loss is loss
You move through to the other side
And keep going
Just keep going
You'll get there
You'll get there

Thursday, October 10, 2013

My Job is to Help You Die

Savasana. Corpse Pose. Resting Pose. That pose at the end of every yoga class where you let go of all of the work. All you do is lay on the floor, but how deceptively simple is that? You let go of all regulation of the breath, all holding of the muscles, all chattering of the mind, and let be. The ground supports you and you simply are. As so many yoga teachers say at this point: "Nothing left to do."

Ironically, it is often referred to as one of the most difficult poses of a practice. People scoff at that, because how difficult is it to lay on the floor for five minutes? It's pretty damned difficult for a lot of people, and I see it every day in my job as a massage therapist.

I see people who get on my table who can't lay still for five minutes, let alone an hour. They twitch, they itch, they adjust; for some injuries or years-old holding patterns simply won't let them lay comfortably. In other cases, unacknowledged guarding or patterns developed for safety has them practically hovering over the table, ready to spring up and run out the door to do the next thing that needs doing. People will lay there, their head face down in the cradle, eyes open, mind and mouth chattering away in an attempt to focus on pretty much anything but what they are feeling as I work out the knots.

And it's all OKAY.

Because my job is to help you die. My job is to help you find Resting Pose, Corpse Pose, Savasana. My job is to help you feel that body you've been ignoring. My job is to help all those poor muscles that are constantly in a state of DO NOW to let go and do nothing. My job is to help you become one with that table, to relax and let go and simply be. While we are in session, there is nothing left for you to do.

But moreover, my job is to help you to that state. As with any yoga class, I (or the teacher) can make the suggestion, but it is the student/client who in the end needs to do the work. I can help the muscles see where they need to go, but in the end it is the client who must take that final step and allow them to release. True savasana is something you can spend a lifetime working on, bit by bit. And the dirty little secret is, laying there on your back, letting everything go and exposing every last vulnerable bit of you? It can pretty terrifying.

So what a magical moment it is when I am done a session, and I look to see the client completely relaxed, completely at peace. Completely in Savasana.

What a gift.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I Don't Even Remember My Last Post.


Between studying for my yoga final test, freaking out about my yoga final practical, trying to fit in all of my chores and oh yeah working my butt off at work, I just haven't had time post much here.

So, uh, what's new with you?

My dear friend Marie came up this past weekend to hang out and we had so much fun. Lots of catching up, a little bit of shopping, more food than either of us really needed but whatevs, and a spur-of-the-moment mani/pedi session. Well, she got the mani/pedi, I just got a pedi. So much fun.

So instead, I leave you with some pictures that were taken over the last week or two. It's peak leaf season here, and the colors are gorgeous. Even us native Vermonters have been craning our necks and taking pictures. Because how can you not when it's this amazing?

What my commute has looked like for the past week. Seriously. I took this while driving into work yesterday morning. I was not the only Vermonter pointing and clicking while driving.

The tree outside my place of work. I took this last week.

Near my home. An old grave yard and the most stunning tree.

I love the red barn and the orange pumpkins.

So.... You Want to be an Artist.

For the last several weeks, I have been working through The Artist's Way . This book has been out since the 1990's and I've been...