Saturday, September 21, 2013

What the Heck Am I Doing Here, Anyway?

This weekend marks my second to last yoga teacher training weekend. When we meet in October, it will be for testing and graduation.

Holy fuck this was a fast 9 months.

Today as part of the training we will be practice teaching small groups of each other and there will be an experienced yoga teacher with each group to give comments and feedback. I am freaking out, yo. I mean, I have a sequence and I've done it a few times and I like it well enough but I haven't practice taught anyone.

Because my dirty little secret is I don't know if I actually want to teach yoga.

There are people in my class already teaching. They teach anyone and everyone they can get their hands on. Parents, significant others, friends, strangers on the street... this is their calling and they are throwing themselves into it. Some are already teaching actual classes to actual clients. I couldn't be happier for them.

But the question for me is, why the hell am I doing this if I don't want to teach?

I am not the only person in the class who is asking myself this question, but we are in the minority. For me, my motivation was not necessarily to teach (except maybe to bring in some extra money during the slow times at work), but rather to go on the journey. I wanted to delve deeper into the theory and philosophy behind yoga. I simply wanted to know more. I was in a bad place when I started this journey and I hoped it would shed some light and maybe help me through the dark times. And I also wanted to have more knowledge about the poses so I could offer them up to clients who wanted stretching homework.

This journey is ending soon, but it's already put me on the path to my next journey and for that I am grateful I don't think I'd have gotten there without it. I'll get through the practice training. I might fumble for the words and make mistakes, but then again even highly experienced yoga teachers do that from time to time.

I keep telling myself I am among friends, I am among people who truly want me to succeed, and it will all be OKAY. I don't know what the future brings; maybe I'll end up being one of the most sought-after teachers in the area. Maybe I'll never teach another class after my test next month. Who knows? Either way, this journey has had a profound effect on me and I will remain eternally grateful for this adventure.

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