Sunday, June 30, 2013

Garlic Update


Isn't she lovely? Yes, apparently my garlic is female. Just call her Garlique.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The White Room

The one thing about doing regular meditation is that it leads you to insights you'd never otherwise have. The first time I started a regular meditation practice was a few years ago. It was more an irregular practice as compared to what I do now (almost, maybe, possibly regular) but one day I was sitting there in The State when I had a bit of a Aha! moment. It would seem that I had, at some point in time, encased myself in a windowless, doorless white room. No one could get at me. No one could come in.

And I wondered why I was so lonely.

So I did the work and I brought down those white walls. Whether it's an energetic thing, an emotional metaphor, or me just making shit up, it didn't matter. Things started to change. I started to change. Things got better, and generally speaking I was happier.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I was once again in meditation. This time listening to a deep relaxation podcast I found on iTunes (Meditation Oasis, check 'em out). I was laying there, all comfy and cozy and floating on the music, thoughts coming and going... and coming and going... and coming and going. At some point in those comings and goings I realized that I had rebuilt that white room and I was sitting in the corner quite content with things, thank you very much. 

It was another Aha! moment (man, I've been having those a lot lately). It explained why I wasn't able to connect to people I thought I wanted to connect to, it explained my frustration and pain and loneliness. But seeing me, sitting in the corner this time as opposed to pounding on the walls the first time out, made me realize that I wasn't ready to put myself back out there yet. I was protecting myself once again from the pain of rejection. The pain of having someone say "You've showed your Self to me and it isn't anything I want."

On one level it was freeing. There was a reason for my disconnect. I was protecting myself during a slow healing process that just won't speed up no matter how frakkin' hard I try to move things along. On another level, it made me realize that I have a choice to make. I'm either going to have to tear down those walls again or quit bitching about them. The first time, I was ready for that white room to get gone; now, not so much. It's not time yet, apparently. So, the most I can do right now is just acknowledge its existence, accept that it's there for a purpose, and monitor things. 

When it's time to bring those walls back down, I'll be ready.

Gulp.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Shadow Knows...

A couple of weeks ago I posted about doing Shadow work for my yoga teacher training class. I've been doing it, but half-heartedly. It brought up a lot of anger - surprise, surprise - but mostly I was angry over the fact that I was being forced to go back down when I'd so recently clawed my way out.

I've known for a long time that I have a really difficult time pulling myself out of Shadow. I'm a cerebral person, I do a lot of thinking and introspective navel gazing. But when I'm sad, depressed, angry or any of those myriad of deep dark nasties I get mired in it. Sooner or later I manage to disentangle myself, but it takes a lot of effort on my part. So being told I "had" to go there made me resentful.

I did my best to control my decent as much as possible, making sure I could find my way out of the woods. I left a very solid trail of breadcrumbs if you will. Stale bread. Dwarf bread, if you're a Terry Pratchett fan. Quite honestly, I didn't go as deep as I could have, either. I didn't spend much time dissecting what came up. My heart wasn't in it.

Last night, after trying to decide on when to do this week's shadow work I decided to say frak it. This wasn't doing me any good. I was going back into depression and thinking thoughts I'd finally let go. This work was not working for me. So I decided that I wasn't going to pursue this line of inquiry any further. It's not like I never do it; it's not like I won't in the future. It's just that this time it fell at the worst possible time for me.

Then I got to thinking... when did I start sacrificing what was good for me for what I was "supposed" to do? Why did the completion of the assignment mean more than my well-being? What the hell was that about? If something doesn't work for you, DON'T DO IT. Rocket science, that. I will not be a failure if I don't complete the assignment exactly as I was told to do it.

So, a sense of freedom. Then a OMFG moment when I realized just by deciding not to do the shadow work I actually just did a shit-ton of shadow work.

Mind. Blown.

Monday, June 24, 2013

Strawberries!

Yes, Vermont is a solid month (at least) behind everyone else when it comes to strawberries. But the local ones are ripe, delicious and ready for picking. I met up with my friend Susan and her 4-year old birthday boy Brady for some strawberry shenanigans:
Yeah, you're jealous. You know it.
... and there's just me eating all these. I know what you're thinking: "How's that a problem?" Normally it wouldn't be, but that's a lot of berries for one person to get through before they go bad. So, I've frozen about a third of them - you know that trick about freezing them on a cookie tray, right? They're all still individual berries and not mushed or stuck together. That way if you only need a little for a smoothie or something, you can take out just two or three whole berries.

I made a third into strawberry shortcake (served with vanilla ice cream instead of whipped because it's like 90 out) and I'm drying out the last third. Why would you turn the oven on when it's 90 you ask? Because I'm insane, yo. It's only on 210 degrees, but I left the berries whole so it's taking a lot longer than it should. Live and learn! Hopefully I'll have pics for you tomorrow.

In other plant based news:
Who's a cute li'l scape?
Right? This is a garlic clove that sprouted in my pantry. I figured, I have dirt, why not? This pic was actually taken a couple days ago and it's even larger now. Even if I don't get a head of garlic out of it, I'll get some nice garlic scapes.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Really? REALLY??

I am on two dating sites, neither of which I'm too proactive on, but I'm out there. Within the past week, on each dating site I've had an ex-girlfriend get in touch with me regarding either a guy who contacted me or one I contacted.

I have been on and off dating sites for years now and this is the first time this has ever happened to me. Let alone TWICE in one week.

I mean, I'm no idiot. I'm sure such things happen with regularity and if you want to cheat online sites are the way to go.

But really?!?

I'm of a mind to pull down both my profiles.

I just can't win.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Geek Yoga

Can I trademark this idea?

On the way to work today, I was thinking up slogans for sci-fi themed yoga classes. What can I say? 40 minutes on a secondary road means the mind wanders. Here's what I came up with:

Star Wars Yoga: May the Prana Be with You

Star Trek Yoga (1): These are the Voyages of the Starship Yogi, Boldly Going (Inside) Where No One has Gone Before

Star Trek Yoga (2): Damn it, Jim! I'm a Yogi, Not a Mechanic!

Battlestar Galactica: We're all Cylon Inside. So Say We All!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Yoga: Fighting Our Inner Demons with Witty Comebacks and Sexy Vampires

Doctor Who: Like the Tardis, We are Infinitely Larger on the Inside

Angel Yoga: We Make Fighting Your Inner Demons Look Good

X-Files Yoga: I Want to Believe... in Inner Peace

OMG, I need to let this go! LOL

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Shadow

My latest teacher training was this past Friday, Saturday and Sunday (today). We spent all of Saturday on retreat at a place called Dreaming Mountain, working with our Shadow self. If you've never heard the term before, it's a Jungian term to describe that part of our selves that we're either ashamed of, embarrassed by, or hiding from.

In other words, it's intense shit.

I think all of us were pretty raw after the work yesterday and we were glad for it to be over. We were comparing notes this morning and pretty much everyone said the same two things: they went home and couldn't stop eating and after they finally finished they all went to bed, exhausted.

I know the rawness followed me in to today, and this was the first time that I didn't really want to be in class. I wasn't feeling it, I was still dealing with residual anger that got stirred up yesterday, and I was just not in the mood to share energy with other people so soon after being mired in other people's shadow crap along with my own.

I stirred up some stuff I sorta knew about, stuff I thought I was passed, and stuff I need to go back and re-examine.

But damned if I have the energy for it now. Right now, I'm taking it easy and vegging in front of the television. My brain can take no more depth, so my plan is Fox Animation Domination Sunday and Mad Men. That's about as shallow as I can get without subjecting myself to TLC Drama.

But in the mean time, check out the beauty that surrounded us while we plumbed the depths:




Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Work.

As in... I need some. Desperately.

Another slow day. Finances are going quickly. Trusting that it will pick up and I will be making money again soon.

I didn't really notice this slow period last year as I was still working part-time at my other job. This year, though, it's all the one place. Which is actually pretty rare for a massage therapist. Usually MTs will work in two or three different places and/or have a personal practice on the side.

I'm seriously considering starting up a personal practice. Just to get me through. I think as long as I make under $600 on it I would be okay tax-wise. But do I really want to make under $600 if I could actually make a go of it?

Could I actually make a go of it?

Do I really want to go through the hassle of finding a place to rent, invest in all the paraphernalia that goes with a massage practice, and hang a shingle of my own?

The idea of it terrifies me beyond measure.

Which should be reason enough to do it, right? I mean, you should do the thing that you are afraid to do. I could keep it small to start... just friends and friends of friends. Cash only. Just one or two a week. It would give me grocery money at the very least.

I'm not there yet. But maybe I will be soon. Within the next couple weeks. When I'm down to eating rice three meals a day because I bought a huge bag from Costco two weeks ago and it's the only thing currently in my kitchen that's edible.

But let's keep positive, shall we? At least I'll have the rice!

This should keep me going for a while...

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Easy Like Sunday Morning

The rain has passed. The snow has passed (like, seriously, WTF was that all about?) and now it is summer. Glorious, beautiful summer.

Everything is greengreengreen. Flowers are happy and full. The sky is blue and has been for several days running. The fan is in the window for those nights that are still cool. The windows are open and the house plants have made their summer home on the porch. As soon as I get a little extra cash, I'll be planting some herbs in my planters.

Yeah, it's pretty good, all things considered.


Better Kate Than Never

As you've probably noticed (all six of you), over the last few months my contribution to this blog has dwindled significantly. In trying...