Thursday, March 28, 2013

Meditate on This, I Will.

Ah, Yoda. Wise, wonderful, froggy Yoda. I never understood when he (or anyone else) said this. Because I always thought meditation was supposed to still the thoughts in your mind. So, wasn't meditating on something the exact opposite of what you were supposed to be doing?

My meditation sessions usually are akin to this:
     Sit. Try and get comfortable. Move around. Cover myself in a blanket because it is still
     frakking cold in here and WHEN is it going to ever get warm? And we're going for 15
     minutes here people. 15 minutes. Shut eyes. Arrive. Breathe. Okay. This is good. We've
     got our eyes shut and we're breathing. I need to email so-and-so, remember to do that
     when we're done. I need to do my taxes. BREATHE. You're not supposed to be thinking
     here. So um, do that chant. SO on the inhale HAM on the exhale. So... Ham... So... Ham...
     OMG I don't want to go to work tomorrow I'm so tired. So... Ham... oh that isn't working.
     I wish I had some cheese. Cheese would taste really good now STOP THINKING. Okay...
     okay... okay.... has it been 15 minutes yet? DAMN. Okay, shut eyes...

Rinse, repeat.

So you can imagine my surprise last night when I'm sitting there with three minutes to go (I know because I opened my eyes to check and damn) when I had a flash of insight. For the last couple days, I have been feeling very lonely and low. I have been missing the affection and companionship that a relationship brings and knowing that the relationship I wanted wasn't going to re-present itself just drew me further into the abyss.

As I was sitting on the couch, bundled up and trying not to think, it occurred to me that my clinging to a past relationship was in direct opposition to two yamas: brahmacharya and aparigraha. In other words, respect for your relationship partner and non-hoarding. By clinging to a relationship that no longer exists, I am not respecting the needs of my former partner. Which is directly affecting the niyama Santosha, contentment. My contentment.

I know at this point, all y'all are probably rolling your eyes and thinking good god woman just get over this idiot already. But you know? Framing it this way has actually helped. I feel lighter, less weighed down. Like maybe this is the first step in finally letting this go for good.

Let's frakking hope, because even I'M getting sick of myself here.

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