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Showing posts from November, 2012

I Need an Adventure

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I need to not be here. I need to escape from my own world for a little while and live in one of fun, frivolity and joy.

I just wish I could afford to do that.

Sigh.

I could actually afford to do a NYC weekend this weekend, but only if my NYC contacts had no plans and a free couch. Actually, that's not true. I couldn't afford it but at least it would be as big a hit on the wallet as going to someplace super swanky.

What I'd really like to do is go to some holistic wellness center someplace warm, and stay there for a week. I could meditate, do yoga, take hikes, sleep by the pool, get massages.... sleep. Sleep and heal.

Doesn't that sound nice?


I Don't Want to be "That" Girl

You know, the one who gets all clingy and whiny and pathetic when her boyfriend breaks up with her. The kind he has to hide from if he sees her when he's out and about of a day. The kind who gets her phone calls and texts blocked because they become so annoying, plaintively asking "but whyyyyyyyyyy?"

But sometimes it's tough. Especially when the boyfriend doesn't do a very good job of ending things. It leaves an opening, a "what if"... basically a lack of closure.

What all this is leading up to is that I've had a really tough time not reaching out to my ex the last couple days. Because I didn't really get any kind of closure, and there is still an opening, a "what if" still lingering in the air. It makes it harder to just walk away and not turn back.

Also, I've been holed up in my apartment sick for almost a week and all I've got to do when I'm not in a post-coughing fit-induced slumber is to think about What If.

I guess I …

It's Begun.

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It's not snowing all that hard; when I took the picture the wind gusted a little bit so it looks way more dramatic than it is. It stopped snowing a couple hours ago and there is about the same amount of snow on the ground as that picture.

But it's still there.

I think we may actually have a winter this year. And I will probably regret going the 4-season tire route this year in lieu of the cost of winter tires.

Cringe.

Hit with a Brick

As in, that's what I looked like this morning when I managed to crawl out of bed. Nearly 12 hours of bed time and it felt like I barely slept at all. I had an ear ache, my foot of all things hurt, I had a headache, I couldn't breathe and I kept having weird dreams. And I kept drooling on the pillow. FAIL.

I slept on the couch for a couple hours this morning and took another nap this afternoon. Which has let me feel well enough to clean the apartment. Well, clean some of the apartment. Like, the parts that were really showing it the worst. We'll leave the floors for another day as I ran out of steam.

I still sound like a Canada Goose when I cough, but that's probably going to hang around a while. At least my throat feels quite a bit better today.

I still look like shit, though...

There is no "Yay", just "Boo"

This weekend I was supposed to go down to my BFF's house (about 2 solid hours south of me so I never get to see her). She's a hunting widow this weekend, and we were going to have a girl's weekend. Hanging, kvetching, having fun, going to the King Arthur Flour Factory and getting our baking geeks on.

Yeah, I have a cold.

And not the "I'm going to ignore you and do it anyway" cold. Just enough of one to make spending three days at another person's house rude and not fun.

I know exactly who gave me the cold too, as she came down with it a whopping two days before I did. So, you know, THANKS. I'm trying really hard not to blame her because of course she didn't give it to me to intentionally ruin plans I've been looking forward to all month long.

So now instead of having fun with one of my besties I'm going to be spending the weekend moping about my apartment, sounding like a canada goose when I cough and hoping my throat doesn't close up …

I Know, I Know...

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...I'm a complete nerd.



But what can I say? It helps me feel like laying on the couch with uncombed hair is accomplishing something.

Not Yet.

I've taken my profile off OKCupid. It was just too soon. I'm pretty sure dates with cute, nice guys are not supposed to lead to days of depression and tears.

My head knows it's over but my heart is still holding out hope. Until my heart catches up with the rest of me it's just not going to happen, and it's not fair to put myself out there if my heart can't be with the person in front of me.

I thought he was my Forever Guy. What can I say? Maybe I was a fool to fall for him like I did, but he was the one that I wanted. You don't just get over that. It takes time.

God damn it, this is NOT where I thought I would be in my life right now. My heart aches.

Date #2

I had the rescheduled date last night with Bachelor #2. It went really, really well. He's a Vermonter, born and bred, but so am I so it works out. We have very similar views in regards to the state of our food system in the US. He's a very hard worker and is looking to improve himself by going back to school. Which I applaud! We went out to dinner, and the waiter kept giving us dirty looks because we kept ignoring the bill.

I will definitely go out with him again.

I will admit to having a war inside. Because on the one hand I still care very deeply about my Ex and am frankly worried about him. On the other hand, I am angry that I am being forced to find in someone else everything I knew was in him but he was afraid to experience.

I wanted these things with HIM. But that's not going to happen and I have no choice but to move on and find someone willing and able (and happy) to be everything I need him to be.

I think sometimes I might have started this process to soon, and th…

A Little Reminder

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Yoga!

I heard from VSAC this evening regarding my grant application for the yoga teacher training. The good news is that I got a grant. Woo-HOO!!! The bad news is that it is not for the full amount. In fact, it's kind of a random amount. Just a little more more than half of the remaining amount. Which means I need to come up with just less than half of the remaining amount. Yeah, that's about all the math I can handle right now. I have the money in my savings account, but I was kinda hoping that I could use it for a down payment on a car next spring.

Oh well.

Once the ski season picks up hopefully I'll be able to sock a bunch of money away and make up the difference.

But it's a done deal. I am going to be a yoga teacher! In about a year from now.... but still!

Not So Bad!

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My coffee date went really well yesterday afternoon. We've lucked out the last couple days with unseasonably warm weather, so we were able to take advantage of the lovely day and wander along the waterfront for a while. I would definitely go out with him again.

As bittersweet as it is, it is nice to get back into the swing of things.


Getting Back in the Game

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I was supposed to have a dinner date last night, but he called a few hours before and begged off due to a terrible head cold. He sounded pretty genuine, and truth be told I was a little relieved. I wanted to be ready for this, but I don't think I was. I am hoping we can reschedule when he feels better and I'm a little less likely to self-sabotage. He seems like a really nice guy and I want to give him a fair shot.

I have a coffee date this afternoon. I don't really want to go. But it's just coffee and I have to start somewhere. Honestly I'm feeling a little guilty right now, because he's so obviously excited about it and I'm already thinking about a Costco run I'm going to make afterward.

Yes, I'm going to Costco on a Sunday afternoon. That's how off my game I am right now.

Being forced to move on when all you wanted was to fix the problems is not fun. The problems could have been fixed. Some easily, some a little less so, but nothing was insurm…

One Week Ago...

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... in an hour or so... I lost my boyfriend. The man I thought was my Forever Guy. 9:23 pm. How warped and horrible is it that I recall the time so specifically?

Tomorrow, instead of running up to my Mom's and hiding, I will be going on a date. Am I freaked out? Hell yes. I am simultaneously excited and horrified that only one week out, I am doing this.

I have to stop myself from constantly emailing my now-ex thoughts and just one more thing's. It doesn't help my case, it doesn't make any difference. My greatest regret is sending this one email scant days before he broke up with me; an email I never should have sent and can never take back. It's too late to apologize for it, I can only move on with that regret.

So, tomorrow I will go out to dinner with a cute guy who seems pretty nice. Sunday afternoon I'll go on a coffee date with another guy who seems pretty nice.

And some day soon perhaps I'll find the guy who really does want to spend forever with me.

F…

Here I Am, I am Here

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Feeling a little better today. Had after-work drinks with a coworker last night and it was a blast. Something I definitely needed.

At some point during one of my massages yesterday, I reached a point of acceptance. The sadness is still there, and that's okay. The fact of the matter is, there may always be a sadness present when I think of this relationship and the potential that never manifested. What could have been was so close to the surface, it just never managed to come up for air.

And that's okay.

Just as looking back on this relationship with sadness is okay. Just as moving on is okay.

I may always wonder "what if". But I can't let that stop me from moving forward.


Get Ready for More Bad Artwork

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My Brother's a Smart Guy

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"You can't love people who don't love themselves; you also can't get them to change if they don't want to." ~ my brother

Smart guy.

I'm hanging in there. I'm not angry. I'm hurt, but I'm not incapacitated. I am... resigned, I suppose.

I will move on. I will move forward. Because the only other thing I can do is stagnate, and that is not an option. I have a life to live, and that is what I intend to do.


Bleh.

Waking up this morning to bruised and swollen eyes. I guess that's what happens when you go to bed doing your best not to shed any more tears over an idiot. Somewhere around 12:30 or so I put on an eye mask to make it darker. I think that was my downfall.

I've been switching a bag of frozen peas from eye to eye and the swelling as gone down enough so I no longer look Wrong in the Head. Which I am but whatevs. At least I don't look it.

I have work this morning and then I am going home to Mommy. Because I just can't stand to spend the weekend cooped up in my apartment alone.

I have gotten back on OkCupid. I'm not spending any more time pining over someone who obviously cannot get their act together enough to know when they've got a good thing. Maybe if I had treated him worse he'd have felt more comfortable. Instead, I treated him as someone worthy of being loved. Silly me. I should have known better.

Onwards, upwards, and over the river and through the woods…

Apparently, I am single again.

Sigh.

I am so tired of playing this game.

The Jingle Belt Ain't Jinglin'

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Earlier this week, I got in touch with the organizers of the two final shows I had for this year and begged off. I needed a break and told them as much. I just to feel joy when I dance again. Luckily, they were very understanding and had been through something similar themselves.

It was a huge load off, to be certain. Honestly I have not been dancing at all the last couple weeks and it has been very relieving. I do not plan to give up dance; far from it. I think that sometimes people get stuck doing the same old thing and get in a rut. I think that's part of it. Along with some of the other stuff I posted about earlier.

Sometimes you just have to step aside for a little while and give it some room to grow.