This past Thursday evening, I experienced catastrophic hard drive failure. As in, when the techie called me after dropping it off for servicing, he said that the computer wasn't even reading as having a hard drive installed.
I have a hard drive again. And after a few false starts I am once again connected to the internet.
I have found it ironic that losing everything on the hard drive didn't phase me in the least, yet not being able to connect to the internet freaked me all the hell out. I know I should have backed up more often than I did. And I do have a back up to some things (old stories, old resumes, etc etc), but basically everything I put on my computer after 2007 is gone. Photos, the book I claimed to have started but actually worked very little on, my new business plan - which I also worked very little on -, all of my massage school assignments, choreography notes... gone.
Somehow, this is freeing.
Like, all the things that had been increasingly cluttering my internal surroundings have been taken care of for me. There is nothing on that old hard drive that I will die without. There are a few things I will miss, to be sure. But most things aren't truly gone. Photos of friends are up on Facebook, half of the book is saved right here in Blogger, to be moved and reformatted when I feel like it. The music I truly cared about was on my iPod and easily re-synched. The rest are on various cds under my bed and can be re-uploaded at my leisure.
It was not being able to connect with the people I wanted to that sent me panicking. I mean, I got in touch with the five people most likely to notice my interweb absence via phone, but really? Most of my friends either contact me via Facebook or Chat, or we're talking in person. Not having the immediate connection scared me, made me afraid that I would sink back into my habits of 10 or 15 years ago, where I holed up, alone in my apartment pretending there wasn't a life to be lived, or people to have in it.
I never want to go back there. Not ever.
But here I am. All is once again well with the world. I can communicate... to all six of you... easily.
Now... to just put myself back on this computer...
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