Friday, September 16, 2011

I'd Have Gotten Away with it too...

... if it weren't for you meddling kids.

I have been having a lot of unsettling dreams the past couple months. Not nightmares, but dreams that are most definitely not fun-time romps in the woods. They've been waking me up and ungodly hours of the morning (ie, any time before 8am) and have been leaving me out of sorts for a large portion of the day. Many of them feel real enough that feelings of guilt linger long after they should.

You see, in my dreams I'm killing people.

I have had these dreams on at least three separate occasions that I remember. Once I killed someone while driving in my car and attempted to cover it up, and twice I've killed clients at work. The first dream was so deep and insidious that I'd nearly convinced myself it had actually happened. The most recent dream woke me up this morning at 5am. A scant five hours sleep and I'm still trying to convince myself not to feel guilty over something that didn't happen.

So I finally got online in an attempt to figure out what the hell my psyche is trying to tell me. I found this here:
To dream that you kill someone indicates that you are on the verge of losing your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself which of these qualities you are trying to put an end to.
Considering that I had a difficult client yesterday, I can see where this morning's dream came from. While I killed the same client both times (one whom I actually enjoy seeing on a regular basis and not the one I saw yesterday), I think the larger issue is "work". And yes, I do get frustrated by various aspects of work - sometimes clients and sometimes my own performance anxieties - and I can see how that could translate into something violent like this.

I also noticed this morning (because at 5am, all there is to do is think) that these dreams - so far as I can tell - started shortly after I started helping my landlady out with her mail. A couple days ago, I received a request from her daughter asking me to be more hands-on in regards to my landlady's meds, and asking if I were interested in a whole slew of other activities that while taking the onus of property management off her mother, put it directly on me.

I have put off responding to this email because, frankly, it pissed me off. She is asking an awful lot of a tenant and someone with no care-taking or medical training. I understand that she is very worried about her mother and is trying to make the best out of a bad situation, which is another reason I have put off giving her an answer. I am still trying to figure out how to say "no, that isn't my responsibility" while still respecting her needs and concerns.

The reality is that her mother cannot be trusted to dole out her own medications anymore. She gets easily distracted and confused, and I've gone down on more than one occasion to help with her mail only to discover that she hasn't taken them at all. She is always saying she is running out of them, and I can't tell if that is because she puts them in different bottles then forgets about them or if she is truly running out. Oh yeah... she reuses old pill bottles. Which is a BIG no-no.

One time I got so confused in trying to help her that I had her go see her doc/pharmacist because it was so screwed up I couldn't make heads or tails of it. Turns out someone had put the pills in the wrong bottle (I think it was her) and she took too much of one of her meds. Luckily it was caught and fixed, but that could have ended badly. I believe it was a blood thinner. One bad scrape and.... let's not think about that.

I feel extremely uncomfortable being responsible for her meds. Her daughter has written up something excusing me of any and all liability, but that doesn't prevent me from feeling horrible if something happens to her. If it has come to the point where she cannot be trusted to take her meds correctly and regularly, professional outside help needs to be sought. Relying on a good-hearted upstairs neighbor and tenant is not going to cut it.

This is a family issue, and if she doesn't want to contact the Visiting Nurses Association or another organization to help her mom out once a week, she needs to enlist family members who are still in the area (and there are more than a few) to stop by once a week to take care of their elderly relative. I feel bad for her daughter and understand the difficult position she is in, but her mother's continuing welfare is not my responsibility.

Now, how do I say all this to her in a non-confrontational manner? Oy. I hate letting people down.

And this post soooooo veered away from where I started....

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