Monday, August 29, 2011

Hurricane Irene

Well, I was wrong. Irene hit Vermont, and it was like she had some kind of grudge on our fair state. There is flooding and general devastation statewide at this point. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky that I did not lose power or have to evacuate. I know that if I were living a block or two away, that may have been different.

...and yes, that's a car floating down a river.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Irene Eve

Batten down the hatches, people!

To be honest, I am rather skeptical that my position in the northern half of the state is going to see the dire and destruction they are warning us to expect. After all, the only real difference I'm seeing between this and one of our Nor'easters is the fact it's rain instead of snow. Which, actually can be more destructive I guess because snow very seldom seeps into the basement causing water damage.

But still, I am torn between poo-pooing the whole matter and buying into the hype and stocking up like it's Y2K revisited.

Sigh. I'll probably buy a 6-pack of water and some canned fruit and call myself "prepared". To be honest, I'm more worried about the overly-tall, overly-whippy poplar tree outside my bedroom window. It has survived some pretty crazy weather thus far (there were time over the winter I was sure the wind would snap it), but if it comes through my bedroom window, any disaster preparedness would be a moot point because I'll be living in a hotel.

Which reminds me... I really should get renter's insurance. And health insurance. And the money to pay for both...

So anyway. If any of you readers are actually in the direct path of Irene, please be safe and more prepared than I am!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

First Push Forward

Yesterday I had my first date post-ex. It was just a coffee date, but it went well enough. Especially considering I got cold feet and didn't want to do it. But I followed through, so it's all uphill from here, right?

Riiiigggghhhttttt.

This was someone I met off OKCupid. Certainly nice enough and apparently I agreed to a second date. I dunno though. I just wish I could meet someone in person. Although I was talking about this exact thing with Cousin Chrissy last night and we have both come to the conclusion that we are "unapproachable" and it is not our fault. We are Morgans, you see. And our brand of Morgan Woman is... well... let's just say we don't make it easy for ourselves.

Yeah, we're a smart bunch.

So, apparently I need to work on making myself more approachable.

Wow... I really need a lot of work done. I'm like my car. Reach a certain point and things start needing replacing. Guess I'm lucky it's just my approachability and not my transmission! ;-)

Monday, August 15, 2011

Interesting.

I need to stop saying that I'll "never" do something. Because whenever I say that, sooner or later I end up doing exactly that.

I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND MY LIFE PARTNER.

Watch that one be the one that doesn't work.

Anyway.

A few weeks ago I gave my cousin Chrissy a massage at her place. She kept asking me why I wasn't doing that as a business. Then today, I gave another massage to someone who got in touch with me through my yoga teacher. In lieu of payment I received some lovely fair-trade turquoise earrings and a handmade Indian scarf. The other day, my friend's sister asked if I wanted to do 20-minute massages as part of an integrative medicine workshop/conference/thingy next month, where I would have the opportunity to hobnob with many people working in alternative health fields. FUN.

The thing is, the more I do massages outside of my workplace, the more I'm enjoying them. As much as I'm getting burnt out giving massageaftermassageaftermassage in a dark room with no time in between and hardly any break, I feel freedom in setting up my table in someone's living room while the dog or cat investigates my linens. I'm free to give them the full hour, or to run a little late if I need to. I think that people relax more in their own setting, and I encourage them to pick their own music, as they know best what relaxes them musically. I feel like the energy flows better and that everyone (me included!) lets go and enjoys the moment much more fully.

The idea of actually owning my own business petrifies me. The tax situation alone is the main, gigantic reason I don't do it. I mean, I know enough to hire an accountant and to keep track of mileage and receipts and everything but....

WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE ENOUGH?

I dunno. It just seems that the Universe is putting this out there as a possibility. I'm not making any huge leaps one way or the other, but I am noticing it. I'm taking advantage of the opportunities it is placing in front of me, but I'm kind of waiting to see what actually ends up manifesting.

Holy crap. A business of my own? Eep.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dragging my feet, but...

It's been about a month and a half since I got that last text. Our relationship lasted approximately 3 1/2 months.

It's really time I pick myself up off the ground and move on.

I'm working on it, really I am. Trying to move forward even though deep down I'm still waiting for him to come to his senses and apologize. Or at least give me some kind of reason.

Yeah, probably never going to happen.

So, I've signed up for OKCupid. I was on there briefly on Thursday, got cold feet and took my profile down, then put it back up yesterday. The first couple dates are probably not going to go well at all. But like my cousin Chrissy says, I need to get back out there.

I gave my everything to someone who, for whatever reason, decided it either wasn't good enough or he simply didn't want it. I'll freely admit that I did not exactly put my best food forward once things started sliding. But what is done is done on both sides, and apparently it is for good. I don't think there could be any other outcome at this point.

So it's time to move on to someone who wants to be with me, who isn't afraid of being with me, and who wants to spend the rest of their life with me. Because, that's really what I want. A Life Partner.

Is that such a bad thing to want?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Moving On is Tough to Do

The other day I tried to get onto a dating site and maybe start the process of moving on. I lasted 24 hours on it before I realized that the idea of meeting anyone and talking to them in person made my heart just sink.

So... guessing I'm not ready for that.

Managed to get through all of yesterday though without crying once. Yay, me!

I'll get there. Sooner or later I'll get there.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Untitled

After the blackest midnight
comes the dawn
the first brightening
that gives hope
that warmth and light
are near at hand
But all I see is darkest night
No stars, no moon
no hope
that there is anything
to burn away the darkness
You were my light
my stars, my moon
my breaking dawn
You were my greatest hope
realized

Monday, August 8, 2011

Creating.

I guess one of the good things to come out of this whole broohaha is that I've been creating again. I stopped for a long time - not really sure why. Didn't feel like it? Other things to do? Who knows?

My preferred method of creating lately seems to be collaging. There is something very cathartic about ripping up a magazine. Second to that is painting. I prefer acrylics, simply because I am lazy and they make painting (and cleaning up) easy. No turpentine for this gal.

Anyway, I thought I'd share them with you. I'm warning you, most of it is schlocky and obvious and would probably fail me out of art school. Also, the quality of the images is not the best, mainly because I have a very difficult time centering and leveling anything. Everything I do veers off to the left...just a little.

I guess I'll go with the ones that don't have anything to do with the break-up first:

Give Bliss A Chance
Kindness Grows
Gaia Provides



The first two were the first attempts I made at collaging... back in late June, I think. The breakup hadn't officially happened yet but things weren't going well. Obviously I was reading a lot of Eastern philosophy magazines. The painting I just did a few days ago. I've been doing a mental visualization at work the last week where I'm pulling energy from the Earth while I do massages. I'm getting a boost and the client is still getting energy, but I'm not wiping out my already low sources. It's working.

Ready for the teeny-bopper, over-dramatic, I'll never get over you stuff? Fair warning, there's a lot more that...
Sorrow, Nicely Wrapped

This is actually one of my favorites. Also the first time where I started playing with the notion that it didn't just have to be images ripped from a magazine. I'm maybe a little too proud of that bow.
Summer Heartbreak


The text in the center is a refrain from the Mumford & Sons song White Blank Page: Tell me now/where was my fault/in loving you/with all my heart?
I Deserved Better Than That

This is another one of my favorites. That is actually a Death Eater mask, and the whole lot of nothing he's "speaking" is from some beauty product swirling in water. The background is from an old psychology textbook I ripped apart.
My Love for You Grew and Shone in the Darkness


Schlocktastic, yes. Leave me alone. I liked painting it.
Deconstructing Something Beautiful


This started out as something completely different. I didn't like the way it looked, so I started ripping off the pictures in the hopes I could re-use the canvas. After I did that, the stuff along the sides and a big empty spot was in the middle and I liked that better. Who knew?
Betrayal


Yeah... I did this one last night. I was kinda drunk when I did it. Obviously, seeing Him on the bike path the other day did not do me any favors.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

So Effing Angry.

I had started to find a way to move on, to move past. The changing of the months represented something for me, a new beginning. I could finally start to let go of the pain and confusion and frustration that followed me through July.

But then you just had to go and flaunt your presence, didn't you? You HAD to know that if you rode your bike on the bike path, we'd see each other sooner or later. I'd already seen your brother twice. And can I say... awkward?

Once again I'm back where I was, left here stewing in my frustration and anger, knowing that you are a mere two blocks away and you don't care a fat rat's ass about how you continually hurt me.

You are REALLY not the man I thought you were. That man would never be this cruel.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Well, now THAT was unexpected...

(warning, I'm in a swear-y mood here...)

I decided to take a walk down to the waterfront today. I've been meaning to do that since I moved here, and I just never got around to it/was too lazy to go through with it. But I decided today was the day. It's a good 3 mile walk one way. I can take the bike path the entire way and it's a beautiful walk.

So, I slathered on as much sunscreen as I could manage, stuck a few dollars in my pocket so I could buy some water when I got there, and headed on out. I was halfway down to the waterfront - maybe not even - when guess who rides by on a bike? That's right...

HIM.

He who dumped me via text and still has yet to give me any reason why he decided our previously good relationship needed to end.

The fucker.

We definitely made eye contact, although with my hat low and my sunglasses covering half of my face, it was a crapshoot if he realized who I was until after he passed. I sure as hell recognized him. And boy was I shocked. What I should have done was turn around and yell "You Bastard!" to his back. Luckily for him 1) I am not that kind of girl and 2) I was simply to shaken to do anything about it. So, after pulling myself somewhat together, I whipped out my phone and texted him: "I saw you".

So yeah. He's busted. He knows I know he's in town, he's two blocks away, and that he's being a chicken-ass pussy. All he has to fucking do is give me a damned reason - any reason at this point - so I can have some damned closure. But noooooooo. He's too wrapped up in himself to do the right thing.

Bastard indeed.

After I texted him, I continued on my walk. I went down to the waterfront, bought my water, and since I was all sweaty and disgusting, decided to forgo actually doing anything and came home. I had a shower, a lovely lunch made almost entirely of all local things and read a little. Planning on going to the movies later this afternoon to rent out some air conditioning.

We're going to consider this unexpected event a win in several ways:
1. I did not burst into tears as soon as I saw him
2. I did not let him derail my plans
3. I did not act like a harpie, but did acknowledge that what he was doing was not okay
4. I'm more angry than depressed

This is my territory, damn it. If you're going to be a dick to me then at least have the courtesy of doing it from your own house two hours away. I should not have to worry every time I leave the house that I'm going to bump into your family, let alone YOU.

This is a mess of your own creation, so CLEAN IT THE FUCK UP.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

It's My Friday

:: Happy Dance! ::

Okay, so technically it is Thursday, but this is my last day of work for the week and I am HAPPY about it! It's a fully booked schedule with at least one client that is thoroughly going to test me in regards to my deep tissue abilities (you know, the abilities I believe I've lost and am feeling all self-conscious about).

But after that.... FREEDOM!

Not really anything major planned for the weekend, but I'm looking forward to it. Which is a nice change of pace. The St. John's Wort tea is working for me. I've been drinking a cup in the morning before work and again once I get home, and I definitely seem to be in a better mood. Been doing my best to eat minimal sugar and processed foods and to get outside and take a walk at some point during the day. It's all helping. Whether that's me projecting or everything actually working is up in the air. Frankly, I don't care which so long as I feel better.

For every day that I feel better, it is less likely that I'll slip back. I still feel the sorrow; I'm sure I will for a while, but I'm able to find the good things around me again. And there are many. So... slipping back is no longer an option. Moving forward, however, is.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Yeah, So...

Kinda thinking I'm a little bit depressed here.

I know. You're all shocked.

But it really hit me this morning that maybe things aren't quite what they ought to be. Most of it is break-up related I know, and will fade with time. But it's something I need to watch to make sure it doesn't develop into anything more severe.

I'm positive it's not serious, or chronic, or anything like that. I think just the fact that I'm able to recognize and name it and do something about it on my own is pretty indicative that it isn't a permanent state for me.

I've gotten some St. John's Wort tea, and I'm going to be more careful in regards to what I eat: fruits, veggies, whole grains, minimally processed foods, and going to try harder to get myself moving at least once a day, even if its just a walk to the next block.

My friends have been a wonderful resource for me. They've been so helpful and understanding. Especially since they (and you!) are probably getting sick to death of my woe-is-me pity party. I'm doing my best to get past this, really I am. But unfortunately that takes time.

Thanks for your patience, everyone.

This is Two.

Monday the 21st was our 2-year wedding anniversary. We build the Matrimonial Pizza, with my brother officiating and my Chick of Honor wat...