Sunday, July 31, 2011


My posts have not been very upbeat and perky lately. I am still struggling, and while I keep on keeping on I think it is going to be a good long while before I am truly past this. And I found to my great dismay last week that if I "fake it until I make it," I end up crying hysterically on a coworker's shoulder and not able to function at all. So at this point I'm just trying to be with it and function at the same time. Which is not the easiest place to be, but here I am.

Anyway, I wanted to post this. I found it in a recent Yoga magazine. I'd post a link, but unfortunately the magazine itself has been recycled and a google search on the article came up with nothing. So... if anyone knows the actual link, please let me know! This is just an excerpt from the article. Most of it is here, I just didn't want to type all of it.

10 Tips for Finding Your Path to Synchronicity
by Allan G. Hunter
(originally published in Yoga Magazine [?], pp 86 and 87)

1. Keep an open mind and observe what you feel.

2. Work with what arrives. It might just be that the annoying 9 year old who is trying to tell you something has real, useful information for you.

3. Have faith that there is a bigger picture. The forces of synchronicity sometimes take time, but they always bring forward what they need to.

4. You will be tested along the way.

5. Be kind and act with purity. No action is so small that it doesn't have a consequence, and believing otherwise is an invitation to dishonesty.

6. Synchronicity will not proceed as we expect. That's because it operates according to a larger plan we cannot fully understand. So don't become dismayed if it looks like things aren't going according to your plan. You're not in charge of the Universe. There's another plan. Respect it.

7. It's not about you. Synchronicity does not exist to make you comfortable without your effort... We all have parts in this, there are no passengers.

8. Keep your eyes and your heart open. The more you become attuned to what is happening the more opportunities you will see opening before you, even if some of them look like hard work.

9. Enjoy the ride. Once we let go of the need to try and force things along, we can relax and see the beauty of our situation.

10. Express gratitude. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Well, that was a load of fun...

I had an emotional breakdown at work yesterday morning, before I ever saw my first client. Someone made the mistake of asking me what was wrong, and I just burst into tears. I could not stop crying.

I managed to pull it together for my first two clients (luckily by the time the second one arrived, they told her that I didn't feel well), and the wonderful front desk ladies cleared my schedule for the rest of the day so I could go home and take care of myself.

I did some movie watching, eating (nachos and cookies, yo), and actually a lot of creating. I also pulled myself together enough to go to my dance class, which is a balm in and of itself. A small group of amazing, supportive women who had me laughing hysterically was exactly what I needed.

I am not back to myself today. I can still feel the... lowness... is the best way to describe it. Although, I think the odds of me bursting into tears and scaring the crap out of my coworkers has gone down considerably. Still, I have a full work schedule today and I need to get through it to my three-day weekend. I wish it was a weekend with no responsibilities, no drains on my time, because that is truly what I need most. Right now, I need to not have anything asked of me. I simply can't follow through. I have so thoroughly depleted myself that I truly have nothing left to give at the moment.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get through this day with nothing to give. I mean, I can only fake it for so long with caffeine, sugar, and other such legal "props" that keep a person going when they shouldn't.

I'll get through it.

I always get through it.

I really need someone else to be the strong one for a while, so I can be the one to collapse for once.

I'm so tired.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Yesterday was not a bad day.

I keep telling myself that. Good things happened yesterday. Good things that should outweigh the bad things. But the bad things are the ones that keep niggling, aren't they?

I had someone tell me last night (or rather, tell me through someone else) that I gave them the worst massage they'd ever had, and five minutes into it wished that it would just be over.

Now, if that isn't a blow to the old ego, I don't know what is.

I am still reeling from that, although not as bad as I was last night. It was kind of the last in a long line of straws on a day that just never took off the way it should have.

Then this morning my Notes from the Universe told me that I invited this criticism into my life. Great. Just... great.

Maybe not untrue, but not exactly what I wanted to hear before my first cup of coffee was finished. The truth is, I've been surprised for a while now that I haven't gotten more criticisms like this. I've been doing my best when I can, but I haven't been emotionally present. I've done my best to give my clients what they deserve to have, but it's hard to give when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel of your own emotional reserves.

I am emotionally tapped out. I've got nothing left to give anyone at this point, and I've still got two days to go before my 3-day weekend, and even then I have responsibilities I must tend to while I'm "off". I slept nearly 10 hours last night and while I slept LOADS better than I have in days, I'm still physically exhausted too. I'm tapped out emotionally, physically, mentally... I've got nothing left people.

I was going to take a respite at my mom's for three days, but that is currently not an option for reasons I'll not post here. What I really need is to find a solitary cabin by the water and hole up in it with books, movies, wine, and NOTHING ELSE. I can just sit by the water and let it soothe the edges.

I guess I'm going to have to settle for area parks by the lake instead, and just pretend I'm the only one there. In between all the other stuff I have to do while I'm on my "break."


Monday, July 25, 2011

Book Review: French Women Don't Get Fat

My friend Marie asked me this weekend if I read anything for fun anymore. You'll all be happy to know I read a Nora Roberts book this weekend.

So there.

French Women Don't Get FatI picked this book up from the library because I'd always wanted to see what she had to say, but never wanted to actually spend the money on it. Best of both worlds!

I expected it to be just what it sounded like: gimmicky, pointless, based on nothing of value. Thankfully it was better than my expectations. I mean, it's not the Next Great Masterpiece or anything, but it was engaging and fun to read. And quick; I got through most of it in one evening.

The author is French, but spends most of her time in America. She speaks a great deal of her own experiences - traveling to America the first time as an exchange student and gaining weight, then gaining even more when she went to university in Paris. She lost the weight with the help of her kindly family doctor and has kept it off ever since. After seeing so many of her American friends struggle, she decided to "pass on" the "secrets" French women have used for eons to retain their slender forms. It's not meant for people with a lot to lose, but rather those of us (waving hand) who seemed to have found themselves with an extra bit of weight and not sure how it got there (break up, filling ensuing void in heart with dip and bags of chips).

Really? Most of it is common sense. I think it is all things our grandmothers knew: simple tricks to keep the weight off. But somewhere along the line, all of those tricks were lost. The Standard American Diet took hold with its processing and HFCS and this and that, and suddenly common sense went out the window.

Drink lots of water. Eat more fruits and vegetables. If you want dessert, don't eat the bread. If you want the bread, have a piece of fruit to finish the meal instead of dessert. Keep a diary of everything you eat for a couple weeks, then look back and see where you can make changes. Substitute something healthier where you can, and don't bring anything into the house if you can't control yourself (Ahem. Potato chips.) Take a walk after dinner. Shop locally, shop often, make your own food.

Very simple, common sense things. But things few of us do. She never proposes cutting anything out of the diet, just limiting things like sugar to occasional treats. Which is at is should be. If you can't live without your daily chocolate, find the absolute best you can afford and every day "treat" yourself to one square. The thing is, if you go for quality (which she advocates) a little goes a long way. You don't need the entire bar, because there is more taste in one square of the good stuff than a whole bar of the bad.

It is a little gimmicky; she likes to pepper little french phrases in to prove that she is from The Continent, and her urbanite tendencies definitely shine through (New York and Paris, is there any place else to live?). If you can get past that the book isn't half bad, considering. The recipes she includes look pretty good and she has since developed a website if you want to download them yourself.

I couldn't help but flash in certain places to Michael Pollan. I can't remember which book it was (perhaps both), where he said that America has no real food culture and that is one of the basic reasons why we're all so fat. She didn't say that in so many words, but I thought as I was reading that pretty much everything she was suggesting underscored this idea. The French remain thin despite butter, despite choice cuts, despite drinking wine with every meal and not "exercising" (although I think you will find most Europeans move more over the course of their day than any American). The French enjoy their food; they aren't afraid of food. Every morsel is to be enjoyed to its fullest. And if you have a few too many bites one night, you have a few fewer the next. It's all about balance, something we say we advocate in America, but really don't.

I wouldn't recommend this book for everyone; if you have more than say 30 pounds to lose (her number from the book), you may need more help and support than this can give you. But if you've already taken off the weight, or like me have found weight creep on with no real idea how it got there (potato chips), this book can give you some basic tools to help it creep right on off. They are simple, basic tools to help get through life without actually dieting anymore; things our mothers should have passed down from their mothers, but somehow got lost instead.

Which sounds pretty damned good to me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Amazing Dream Last Night

Last night, I had this amazing dream (if you couldn't tell from the title of this post). I was in this magic shop with my brother of all people. It was one of those wonderful, eclectic shops full of hodgepodge that you could spend days going through. A little cluttered, a little dusty, but full of light and possibilities.

On of the shop's owners called me over and started telling me about my life as it stood at the moment, and what was happening. She was dead on, to the point where it was eerie. The ironic thing was I kinda sorta knew I was dreaming, but it felt like I was getting Information. Like this was real. Like the magic was palpable and I needed to Pay Attention.

It was one hell of an experience.

Pity I can't remember a DAMNED thing that woman said.


All I remember is something about dragons (good, I think... like maybe they'd be helpful) and that the Devil has taken an interest in my love life. Which would explain a LOT.

So... either hoping that more comes to me throughout the day or I need to be on the lookout for guiding dragons and Devils trying to make things worse.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Doritos are a fun, addition to your healthy-eating goals!


At least they were the "baked" variety.

Yeah, so Sunday started off pretty okay for me but deteriorated by the time I got home from work. Let's just say far too many baked doritos and 2/3 of a bottle of Alice White Chardonnay were consumed. By me. Alone. In front of the TV. With Stargate SG-1 Season 10 on continuous play.


The doritos and wine and now gone (for better or worse) and we're going to try to pick up that goal I had of eating simply and healthfully this week. I'm thinking I'll just make the kitchari in the crockpot instead of on the cookstove. It's just been too damned hot to cook.

And doritos are so damned tasty...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

You know what goes out the window...

... when the guy you're head over heels with suddenly calls it quits for no apparent reason?

Healthy eating habits.

Although, I must say I've done a lot better this heartbreak around than I have in years past. Yes, there has been more chips n' dip than there should have been (my weakness and crutch), that bag of m&m's lasted longer than I thought but not as long as it should have, and I've drunk enough diet soda to drown an ox. But overall, because of the heat and the time of year, my comfort foods have been homemade grinders (subs for you not in New England) and black raspberries that I picked myself on my morning walks.

But of course, when you eat three homemade grinders in one day, it doesn't matter how healthy the ingredients or how much smaller they are than store-bought. You still over-did it.

So, for the next few days I'm going to pare things down and eat a bit more simply. I'm digging out a couple recipes I used back during the cleanse and will be eating off those for a few days. I am NOT in any way, shape or form doing the cleanse. I'm not emotionally prepared or willing to do that at this point. But I can tidy things up a bit and undo some of the chips-n-dip damage.

I'll be heading down to the farmer's market in a couple hours to stock up on yummy summer goodness with which to make these recipes. As they are winter recipes and it is of course, summer, I'll be tweaking them a bit to reflect the gorgeous produce available right now. But the goal here isn't to hose out my insides and completely readjust my doshas; just maybe wipe the dust off a few things to pretend we cleaned for our visitors.

I'm also going to start re-integrating yoga into my life. When I was going through Hell Job, it really helped support me, ground me, and gave me a release from the complex emotions swirling around. I find that once again I am needing its grounding support, and I am blessed that I have the flexibility of working it into my schedule twice a week. So that is what I am going to start doing. The plus of this is, if I decide to move forward with the teacher training next year, I'll be more physically prepared than I am right now. But at the very least, I'll have someplace where I can go twice a week to find peace.

Friday, July 15, 2011

What is there?

There is only this moment.

In this moment, I sit typing. I am tired. I have had an amazing day. I took a walk in the morning hours and harvested some berries for my own breakfast. I went out shopping and actually stayed on my budget. I made plans for healthy meals for the next few days. I attended an amazing yoga trance class this evening and lost myself in the music. My heart opened wide and the energy flowed in.

In that moment, there was peace.

In this moment, I am alone.

There is only this moment. And the next, and the next. I cannot change what was in moments past, and I cannot tell what will be in the moments to come.

All there is, is this moment. Right here, right now.

And, for the moment, it will have to be enough.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Staying Afloat

I want my boyfriend back. Have you seen him? Tall, blond, most gorgeous smile you'll ever see. Best hugger you'll ever meet. If you happen to see him, send him home, will you? I miss him terribly.


Yesterday was a fairly good day for me. Work went well, and I met up with my dance friend and actually worked on some new choreography. It felt good to dance again, even in this heat and humidity. We're working on a new piece we'll be performing twice in the fall. We're dancing to Faun's Rhiannon. Full of bagpipes and drums. I foresee lots of 3/4 shimmies in my future...

Last night was a bad night for me. There were lots of tears, lots of anger, frustration, confusion, and mostly just a lot of pain. Lots of I wishes, and why's, and I don't understand's.

So, I'm only doing a half-day at work today. Maybe less, depending. I need the money, but through all of this I've scheduled myself so I'm never alone for very long; I always find a way to be out and among people. Maybe what I really need is a self-indulgent, stay-in-bed-with-the-covers-over-my-head day so I can get it out of my system.

The hard part is, I don't want him out of my system.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Good Deeds

Last week my landlady's daughter got in touch with me. She wanted to know if I was willing to help out her mom once a week, to check her mail and to make sure bills got paid, and to make sure she was remembering to take her medications. Real simple stuff, but if I agreed to do it I'd get a reduction in my rent. As I already had suspicions my landlady needed some help, I agreed.

My first session with her was yesterday. She had a huge pile of mail and whatnot that totally overwhelmed her. It took us nearly two hours to go through that stack, weed out the bills needing payment, and file away the statements. I ended up filing the statements myself, mainly because she had someplace she needed to be and it would have taken another 30 minutes if she'd done it.

The medicine was another fiasco. She was out of two medications. One of which I'm not sure if the company forgot to send or if she forgot to order. It could go either way. I made sure I was there when she called the company to check on it, then her daughter when she needed more help.

My landlady is so lonely. She's down there all by herself and her family is so spread out that they rarely come to check in on her. She's not really able to maintain the house like she used to, and she knows it. She gets frustrated that her memory is shot all to pieces, and she misses her husband something fierce. Still, after 20 years she tears up when she recounts how he died.

I came upstairs after I was done and wrote a long email to her daughter. I think she has already decided that my landlady will be living with her permanently come winter, but she needs to know that things aren't entirely as good as they should be now.

After I sent that email, I went into my bedroom and cried my heart out. That poor, lonely woman.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Whoah, Nelly!

Yesterday after work I got a massage from one of my co-workers. It was a very needed massage, between all the work I've been doing and the emotional upheaval I've been experiencing. When he asked what I was after for the massage, I listed the physical things I wanted attended to, as well as "peace and comfort." He offered to do some reiki, and I thought that would be a nifty idea.

Hoo Boy was it ever.

Everyone experiences energy transference in different ways. Some people will see it, some people can feel the energy moving, some people sense warmth, and some people will feel nothing at all. Generally, I'm in that last category. The key is to understand that while you might not be feeling it like you think you should, things are still working and your best bet is to just be open to it.

My first indication that I was truly feeling the reiki wasn't until about the halfway point of the massage. After doing some neck and shoulder work, he did some energy work while gently holding my head. It was subtle and at first I was just enjoying the gentleness of it. Then I got a woosh of feel-goodness. That's really the only way I can describe it. I just suddenly felt happy, that everything was going to be okay. That everything was okay.

The second indication that I was in the middle of some serious energy work was when he did some reiki over my solar plexus/second chakra. For those of you not in the know, those two areas essentially cover most of your belly area. Anyway, when he started work there, I could feel warmth radiating through his hands and into my chakra. It was intense. I mean, his hand are relatively cool, so the fact that I felt the warmth through a blanket and sheet and that it permeated my core was pretty intense.

After that, I was in a deep state of relaxation. By the time he got to my feet, I was having visions of sunlight dappling through trees, and gardens with flowers and a lovely green lawn... I have no idea where this wonderful place is but it was beautiful and peaceful. I was zoned. Heck, I think at the end of the massage I was slightly stoned!

I am still feeling the wonderful effects of the reiki today, and I'm going to try and hold on to them for as long as possible. If you ever have the opportunity to receive reiki from an experienced practitioner, please do so. Be open to the possibilities; like I said, you don't always feel it in a physical sense, but the changes can be both subtle and profound. Energy work can manifest itself in a plethora of ways, you just have to be open enough to let it in and do its work.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Just shoot me

Do you remember that old episode of the Simpsons where Bart's crush spurns him and he envisions her ripping his heart out and drop-kicking it out of the treehouse?

Feeling a little like that these days.

Boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday. This whole thing just feels off, and I'm not prepared to let go without a fight. Which is pretty much the hardest, most heart-wrenching, and possibly futile thing I've ever done. Still, I feel like I have to try. What we had was just so good, so right that this feels apropos of nothing. Like there's something else going on and I'm just stuck in the middle of it.

So, I've kinda of placed myself in a limbo right now. But really, how much of a limbo is it when you're being given the silent treatment? I can talk and reach out until my arm falls off, but if all I'm grabbing is air then am I really doing much good?

I don't know.

But I feel like giving up, just walking away, is the wrong thing to do. I have to try. God help me and my idiocy, but I have to try.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Daily Enchanted Tarot

Four of Swords

Four of SwordsIn a place of seclusion and stability, a calm, centered Buddha sits in a position of meditation. He has retreated from strife and is relieved of all anxiety. The pyramid shape around his body creates a healing space. Clouds representing the confusion and pressure of the everyday world are parting, and all that remains is the purity of the connection to the eternal earth and the infinite stars. This is a time of grounding and re-charging. After the sorrow of the Three of Swords, with the hurtful results of too much attachment and self-pity [it's amazing I haven't drawn that card yet!], the Four of Swords shows a person withdrawn and protected from any difficult situation. By allowing the cosmic forces to flow through him, the Buddha has gained mystical insight. This period of quiet retreat to be alone with his thoughts has been needed.

You have met this Buddha on your journey and he will teach you to look inward now, to accept and understand. In doing so you will be healed and renewed. This is a time for strategic withdrawal. Take sanctuary where you may find it and retreat in the midst of life's apparent chaos. Reflection, self-examination and meditation are called for. You will receive guidance from your Higher Mind after a much needed period of repose.

This is a much-needed card for me... and I think it is not just mine. Sometimes you need to pull back from everything and just be with your thoughts for a while. I have received a few answers over the weekend, although I kinda had to look for them a little. Some people are worth fighting for, and I'm not walking away without a fight. But maybe I need to back off for a little while. 

I get that. So today, I'll just head back to work after a GORGEOUS holiday where I got to see a long-lost friend (Hi, Becky!!!). I'll enjoy the beautiful weather, I'll enjoy hanging out with my other friends. I'll live, I'll enjoy, and I'll get on. And that is what any of us should be doing. Living, enjoying, getting on with our lives.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Today's "Enchanted Tarot" Card

Seven of Wands

Seven of WandsA lone, but stalwart figure stands defiantly in front of the battlements. He could retreat behind the stone walls to protect himself but courageously he has taken this challenge. His face is determined, his shield held high, and his magical staff is more than equal to the seven flaming wands arrayed against him. At his feet, a great red blossom flowers, embodying all the things he has nurtured and cared for - loved ones, the land and all living things upon it. He firmly believes that values and ideas long established, tested and supported, must be defended. If justice is not forthcoming, he alone will resolve all difficulties. He know that he can hold his own by confronting his problems directly. When challenged in the extreme, he cannot compromise.

You are challenged to stand by your beliefs and values. Do not be afraid to personally defend what must be defended. Only by being assertive will you win the day. Trust your judgment and intuition and believe that, even if the situation looks forbidding and difficult, you will know how to handle it. Remember that the difference between heroic and cowardly behavior is that a hero or heroine goes forward in spite of fear.

Yeah, I'm liking this card a LOT better than the nightmare card I pulled a few days ago...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

White Blank Page

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart
your heart?
As well as your body
and can you lie next to her 
and confess your love
your love?
As well as your folly
and can you kneel before the king
and say ‘I’m clean'
‘I’m Clean’?
But tell me now where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart?
Her white blank page
and a swelling rage
You did not think
when you sent me to the brink
the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections
But tell me now where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart?
Lead my to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life

Can I just say that the entire "Sigh No More" album from Mumford & Sons is about the best album ever? Of course, at the moment I can't listen to it without bawling my eyes out (in other words, not currently appropriate for road trips). Ironically enough, this was his favorite song off the album. But it suits me so well at the moment I'm usurping it.

Ha! Take that.

More lyrics:
All about Mumford And+Sons:

Keep On Keeping On

That's really all one can do, isn't it?

I'm doing my best to keep busy, but I will freely admit that I've been spending a lot of time in front of the boob tube. Which is actually not hooked up to cable or satellite or anything, so I've been watching a lot of movies and old Buffy episodes. I also went and spent three hours of my life watching the latest Transformers movie yesterday.

I know it is escapism, I know I am avoiding my feelings. I am really okay with this. Sometimes you need a break from yourself, and I have been living with this crap for the better part of two weeks now. I don't want to think about it anymore. I want to just let go and move on.

Luckily I have a great group of friends. I've got stuff to look forward to for the next couple of weeks, including a long-lost friend I haven't seen in almost 15 years (hi, Becky!!) and a mate coming over from the UK on business for a few days that I haven't seen in I think nearly two years. Today my friend Jen and I will be going to the local farmer's market. It is the first time this season that I've been able to attend, and I have been looking forward to it for a week now. 

Life goes on, I know it does. I know the pain, hurt and confusion will fade with time. I know I will probably never get the answers that I deserve to have, and that I'll have to let that go as well.

I really hate the saying "It is better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all." I've done a lot of loving and losing over my lifetime. I had hoped to keep this one.

And still... life goes on.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Frowny Face

I think my boyfriend has broken up with me.

I don't understand what happened, what went wrong.

I am heart broken.

Last Chance.

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