Saturday, June 18, 2011

Debbie Downer

This whole attachment/craving thing is really getting the better of me. Boyfriend's father has come up from Down South, and he apparently "stays until he gets bored, then leaves." So... basically another two weeks or more before I get to see him again. Although if he wants me to meet Dad like I've met everyone else, there will at least be a dinner in there somewhere. Which something.

This also means that he won't be able to attend the show I have this evening. Which is fine, I get it. And there are no hard feelings. I'm not angry about it, but it does makes me a little sad because he helped me pick out the song I'm doing for it and it would have been nice... y'know? But it's okay. There will be other shows. 

I want to go back to April when I was seeing him three times a week instead of the three times a month we're averaging now.

I think the real problem is I'm feeling pretty left out and unimportant. Which is all completely MY problem. There is a lot a negative baggage going on here - many instances where "friends"  or "boyfriends" abandoned me, changed their minds and never bothered to tell me, or simply made plans without ever including me but including everyone else. 

I still struggle to deal with this, because out of all the issues I need to work on this one cuts closest to my heart. Because, really, they were rejecting me, as a person, as a human being. After so many times and instances, I've stopped believing myself when I say "They don't mean any harm. They aren't doing it on purpose. They have a good reason. It's okay." Because you know what? They DID do it on purpose. They didn't care enough (or at all) about my feelings to take me into account.

So, now when I try to tell myself that Boyfriend doesn't mean any harm by it, his reasons are good, and that whole scheduling broohaha is temporary.... well, let's just say I'm having a hard time believing the truth. It is the truth. My head knows that. The problem is, my Heart has been proven wrong waaaaay too many times to believe what my head is saying. My head is the boy who cried wolf. Now that it's finally the truth, no one believes him.

So yeah.... working through a lot of shitty issues here. And this whole post REALLY veered off from the direction I initially was going to take.


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