Tuesday, June 28, 2011

As you may have guessed....

...I'm not exactly having the best week ever. Won't go into detail here, and am sick to death of playing details in my head over and over again. Work is a solace, because I can focus on other people's issues for a while and let mine go.

I can only boil it down to the basic: I have no idea what the hell is going on right now. 


Lately, instead of drawing random tarot cards, I've been taking the book from one of my decks and just opening it to a random page. Seems just as effective and a hell of a lot easier. I've been using the Enchanted Tarot deck's book. I did it just a couple minutes ago, and this is the "card" I got:

Nine of Swords: Nightmare

In the night, a sleeping figure lies trapped in a dark, nightmare world existing on the edge of sleep. Strange demons, repressed hurts and childhood fears range freely. Worse than the sight of this chaos, is the feeling of being held in its grasp. Unclear forms alter shape, and circle in ever-stranger and more fearsome forms. 

This is a lonesome place, far from help and comfort. Shadows of pain, suffering and depression overwhelm the sleeper until she becomes a victim of her own thoughts and, like a martyr, repeatedly impales herself on their hurtful points. Her eyes are closed because she cannot bear to look at these fears when she is awake. 

The only way she can escape from these nightmares, however, is to open her eyes and awaken to what is really bothering her. She must confront it in broad daylight, no matter that there may be reputations lost, false friends discovered or the most unpleasant of feelings set loose. The alternative is torment.

Um...yeah. So extremely apropos. Although I must say I am sick of impaling myself and am in fact trying to confront what I need to confront. I'm working on it. I think there are more things to let go of... well, really one thing to let go of. But it feels like by letting go of it I'll be letting go of hope. So, I guess right now I'm trying to figure out how to let go of the one but not the other.


Monday, June 27, 2011

The Cave

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_cave_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
All about Mumford And+Sons: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mumford+And+Sons

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Letting Go

Every once in a while, my desire to let things that I'm clinging to go manifests as a physical thing. These past couple of days, I've been desperate to get rid of things that I no longer want and/or need. I've started another Goodwill box, and as the days have gone by it's been filling up. 

I've also felt the need to reorganize and generally clean my space. Which, if you know me in real life at all you know that this is a very rare event indeed. I spent a good portion of last night re-organizing my bedroom; putting things away, putting things in the Goodwill box, making a pile of things to be thrown out. 

It's a rainy, dreary day here. I'm thinking this evening it may be time to tackle the living/kitchen area. I've already started by putting a few things in the Goodwill box. But this space could definitely be decluttered.

I guess if this physical manifestation of letting go is going to help me deal with the things I need to deal with, then it's a good thing. Plus, less to pack if and when I move out of this joint. 

Does anyone know of a good coin drop where I can "let go" of about $20 worth of pennies? Please don't make me roll them up...

Friday, June 24, 2011

30 Seconds

It takes 30 seconds to let someone know you care about them, that you are thinking about them, that you are glad they are in your life.

30 seconds to send a quickie email, to text them, to leave a phone message... heck to talk to them directly. "Hey, you! I can't chat but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. We'll talk more soon, kay? Miss you, Bye."

30 seconds out of your life lets someone else know that they are in your mind and your heart. That while the distance may be great (or small, for that matter), you are carrying them close until you can *be* close.

Just 30 seconds does all that.

If you can't find 30 second out of your life to let someone know they are important to you, you need to take a long, hard look at a few things.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Debbie Downer

This whole attachment/craving thing is really getting the better of me. Boyfriend's father has come up from Down South, and he apparently "stays until he gets bored, then leaves." So... basically another two weeks or more before I get to see him again. Although if he wants me to meet Dad like I've met everyone else, there will at least be a dinner in there somewhere. Which something.

This also means that he won't be able to attend the show I have this evening. Which is fine, I get it. And there are no hard feelings. I'm not angry about it, but it does makes me a little sad because he helped me pick out the song I'm doing for it and it would have been nice... y'know? But it's okay. There will be other shows. 

I want to go back to April when I was seeing him three times a week instead of the three times a month we're averaging now.

I think the real problem is I'm feeling pretty left out and unimportant. Which is all completely MY problem. There is a lot a negative baggage going on here - many instances where "friends"  or "boyfriends" abandoned me, changed their minds and never bothered to tell me, or simply made plans without ever including me but including everyone else. 

I still struggle to deal with this, because out of all the issues I need to work on this one cuts closest to my heart. Because, really, they were rejecting me, as a person, as a human being. After so many times and instances, I've stopped believing myself when I say "They don't mean any harm. They aren't doing it on purpose. They have a good reason. It's okay." Because you know what? They DID do it on purpose. They didn't care enough (or at all) about my feelings to take me into account.

So, now when I try to tell myself that Boyfriend doesn't mean any harm by it, his reasons are good, and that whole scheduling broohaha is temporary.... well, let's just say I'm having a hard time believing the truth. It is the truth. My head knows that. The problem is, my Heart has been proven wrong waaaaay too many times to believe what my head is saying. My head is the boy who cried wolf. Now that it's finally the truth, no one believes him.

So yeah.... working through a lot of shitty issues here. And this whole post REALLY veered off from the direction I initially was going to take.


Monday, June 13, 2011


1. I think I did have a cold. It's on its way out now - I'm at the stuffy nose can't seem to blow it enough phase. Although, it's really not that bad. I didn't really get all that sick. Just a little run down. So I'm calling it a win.

2. Got to see The Boyfriend this weekend after two weeks of not. Yay! Still super busy though and who knows when I'll get to see him again. Trying very hard not to let it get to me. Attachment and cravings and all that. Trying to be in the here and now, because that's really the only place I can be.

3. Thinking of doing a yoga teacher training next year. One of the local studios is offering a 200 hour training. It's done over the course of nine months, so it's a relaxed, easy pace (to put it in perspective, my massage training was 690 hours in nine months). I think I can swing the fee, and with my upcoming schedule change at work it'll make things easier. The classes don't start until January, so I have a while to make a decision. This was on my five-year career plan, so to be able to do it ahead of schedule would be nice. Plus, it would be an excellent tool to incorporate into my massage knowledge. It'll really help deepen my understanding of the body and will allow me to really give my clients tools to help themselves.

4. I've been doing a lot of creating lately. I'd forgotten how much I loved to do that. It seems over the last few years I've been picking up a lot of things that I'd "forgotten" about: dancing, painting, collaging... Things that got tossed by the wayside because they seemed childish. Last week I picked up some acrylic paints and some pre-made canvases and have been going at it. It's not like they are gallery-worthy or anything but they make me feel good. I think it's a kind of meditation for me. Also a kind of release. A visual representation of whatever is going on inside. I am enjoying this.

5. I've started meditating on a regular basis. Well, I'm trying to make it a regular basis. I've only missed one day in the last week, and that was because I spent time with The Boyfriend. I've discovered that it works best for me if I can meditate right before bed. My bed is pushed up against the wall, so I use that to support my back and sit cross-legged for a little while. It's not a long period of time, but I'm purposely not saying "I will meditate for 20 minutes in the evening before bed", because that's a sure-fire way for me to rebel against "the rule" and not do it, or feel like a failure because I only managed 10 minutes. So, no rules, no "musts" or "I wills". I'm liking it.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

What is this... thing... in my throat?

It started yesterday. So small and unassuming I chalked it up to a massive pollen count. By the end of last night, there was definitely something going on with my throat. Now, I've had sore throats and this is not it, but it's at that point where it feels like it wants to turn into one but can't quite get up the gumption to do it.

Of course I am not happy about this. Boyfriend is coming up tomorrow and as I haven't seen him in two weeks I really would prefer to not greet him with a stuffy nose, watery eyes, and a hacking cough. Looking on the bright side of this, it isn't getting any worse. Perhaps it is the high pollen count. Or I caught it early enough to head it off at the pass.

Regardless, I'm pounding back the orange juice like it's going out of style and will be bringing some Throat  Comfort tea with me to work today. I'm going to eat as healthy as possible, and not over-do the physical exertion today (ha! Like I ever do). If my body wants rest, rest is what it will get.

Just a high pollen count... just a high pollen count... just a high pollen count...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Success and Cravings

Yesterday was a truly beautiful day here in Vermont. The sun shone, the temperature was just right, and the day begged you to come out and enjoy it. So I did. I didn't have to be at work until 3pm, so I decided to have myself a picnic lunch down by the waterfront. I bought myself a couple of magazines, put on my SPF 6,000 and went out into the day.

One of the magazines I purchased was Tathaastu. It wasn't the newest issue, which apparently Borders didn't have yet, but the March/April issue. It had a lot of good articles on ayurveda, yoga nidra, meditation and other things of the mind/body genre. One article particularly stood out for me: Field of Comfort by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. It spoke not just of physical comfort but mental and emotional comfort.

If you read this blog at all, you know that I suffer from an overabundance of perfectionism that has a tendency to make me, well, crazy. This article reframed the notion of success and failure for me. An excerpt:
There is so much talk about success everywhere. Everyone wants to be successful. Have you ever thought about what success is? It is simply ignorance about one's capabilities. Success is ignorance about the power of the Self because you assume you can do only that much. So you have set a limitation to your Self and whenever your cross your own boundary or limitation, you claim success...
...When you are successful, you are proud of it, and if you fail - you feel guilty and upset. Both can drag you out of your joy, out of the greater potentiality you possess. So the best thing is to surrender to the Divine. 
If you are successful, so what? It is another happening, another thing that you did, and you can do much more. And if you couldn't do something well, then, you couldn't do it, that's all. This moment, do you wish to do it again? Then have that Sankalpa, the intention - "I have to do it!" Then you will make good progress in that direction, without feeling guilty, or being judgmental.
Not being able to do something, not being able to "succeed" is big for me. However, this reframing really allows me to think, okay so I did something. Fine, no biggie. Okay, so I didn't do something. Fine, no biggie. If there is no such thing as success and failure - just a thing I did, or a thing I haven't yet done, what is there to feel guilty about? How then can I tell myself that I am a Failure if I haven't failed? I simply haven't done that thing yet. Maybe I will. Or maybe I will decide that I don't have to. Maybe I will decide that direction is not for me, or maybe it is and I will try again.

In the same article he had a bit on craving and aversion - specifically to other people. Another (shorter) excerpt:
Watch out for cravings. A craving happens first for appreciation of talents and then you start getting attracted to it. Then attraction turns back into craving and all these things go on. The world that begins for you then is not a divine world but a demonic world. So watch out for this craving in you, it will cling to anybody. Then you will send a "I miss you so much" card and say, "Oh, you put me into so much longing, you are so good, I never met anybody like you!" and such expressions. All this happens not out of surrender or gratitude, but out of craving.
Okay, so... how many "I miss you" texts have I send to The Boyfriend over the last couple weeks? I crave him, I fully admit that. But... this craving really isn't doing either of us any good, is it? I mean, we both have our own lives to live and we aren't going to see each other any sooner than when we finally see each other again, so what is the point of obsessing and suffering over it? Best to just let the craving go.

It's really back to my old mantra, isn't it? Let go the attachments that no longer serve you. I'm not saying to let go of The Boyfriend, but rather to let go of the craving for him. That negative attachment that only serves to make me clingy and whiny. Accept what is, in this moment, and let go of the rest.

Good advice.

Hear ends my daily bout of introspective navel-gazing. Thanks for playing along! ;-)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Pictures from my Vacation

Let's see if my internet connection will be a good boy and let me post some pictures... Well, the first attempt two days ago failed miserably. Let's see if it will let me this afternoon. You will, won't you? Be a nice internet and cooperate (for once in your frakking existence...)

In Boston's North End waiting for a table in a little Italian Place.

Me in York, ME. Yes that's the ocean. No I didn't go in. COLD.

The view from the restaurant we had dinner at in Camden, ME

Bar Harbor, ME as seen from Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park

Sand Beach, Acadia National Park

A lobster that seems both scared by and obsessed with his ice cream.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

My Travels as Described by Facebook Status Updates

...because apparently now I think in Facebook status updates. I actually kept a running list of things I wanted to post but never got around to because of time constraints/no access.

Yes, I am a geek.

Here they are, in no particular order:
  1. I don't know if I trust couples who have matching luggage. It's like couples who wear the same thing. There is just something wrong there, I can't put my finger on it.
  2. If you pahk the cah at Hahvahd Yahd, it gets towed. Just sayin'.
  3. Ate at a wonderful little Italian restaurant in Boston's North End, then had a wander. Beautiful evening. Even Paul Revere agreed, although he basically just stood there the whole time without saying anything.
  4. (Said in your best Swedish Chef impersonation) York! York! York!
  5. I am now a sufferer of Driver Sunburn. Ouch. But hey... sun!
  6. According to the signs, we somehow managed to drive North, East and South all at the same time. Maine truly is a magical place!
  7. Bar Harbor reminds me a lot of Montpelier. Only, y'know, with the ocean and lots of lobsters.
  8. Seafood risotto for dinner. I just went in to dairy overload. Must... eat... salad....
  9. Another stunning day. Heading out with a picnic lunch to Acadia National Forest.
  10. I love our Inn. Black Friar Inn. Check it out if you're ever in Bar Harbor.
  11. Sahco? Sayco? How the hell do you pronounce Saco anyway? I've forgotten!
  12. Cadillac Mountain, Sand Beach, Echo Lake, Jordan Lake, and a mini-mountain that took 15 minutes to hike. I got bitten by something, stones in my shoes, and bugs in my hair. Day seized and throttled.
  13. Unfortunate sign seen today: Thunder Hole Restrooms, turn right. Um... maybe I'll pass.
  14. An unfortunate backpack incident has left my book smelling like pineapples. Game of Thrones with Pineapples... new best seller? Who lives in a pineapple under Winterfell? Spongebob Square-Ned!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


I'm home from driving the Maine coast. It was awesome. Today, we started in Bar Harbor, ME and ended in Burlington, VT. Even though I've stopped driving, I'm going to feel like I'm still moving for a looong time to come. We made really good time. It would have been 6.5 hours if we hadn't have stopped for dinner in Montpelier. But by then we were both hungry and in need of not being the car for a while.

I'll have more to come tomorrow or the next day, including some pictures.

Nice to see y'all again! :-)

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