Sunday, April 25, 2010

Yeah, okay so.

Stuff.

1. Last week during class I was working with one of my classmates - crazy, I know. Anyway, we were hanging out after class and walking into our local New Agey store when she was like: Oh yeah! When I was working on you today I kept seeing you surrounded by citrine! You need to get some citrine while we're here!

Never one to look a cosmic thwack in the head askance, I did so. Damned if it hasn't made a difference! For those of you not in the know (including me until four days ago), citrine is one of the few stones the never need "cleansing" as it is such a strong repeller of negative energy. Also, it coincides with the third chakra (solar plexus) and is a very good stone for creativity and those in need of a boost to their self-esteem. Which, yeah, I need. Daily. Anyway, you can read more about it here if you like.

2. I'm becoming increasingly impatient by my lack of forward movement regarding the next stage of my life. Really, it's not that anything's not happening, it's that it can't happen. I basically need to take the National Certification to go to the places I want to go, and it means that I'm going to have to put my life on hold for an additional month, if not more, before that can happen. I am not too pleased about this, because I'm chomping at the bit to get going. Ah well. I can't do anything about it, so fussing isn't going to help. It's just frustrating, is all.

3. I don't think I have a three. Or anything else for that matter. Oh, I smelled bacon on my way home from work (there's an IHOP in the mall) and it was truly a testament to just how hungry I was, because damned if it didn't smell good. Even when I was eating meat, I was never a big fan a bacon.

4. I have this week "off" from school. By off I mean I don't have to go into class. I still have a ton of shit I need to do so it's no vacation, but I don't have to be at school to do it. So, I am going home to my Mom's for a couple days. Basically just a weekend in the middle of the week deal, but it means free laundry and food I don't have to cook and basically being in a place where people are actually happy to see me. Yeah, that last one's a long story. Ask me sometime.

5. I kind of want to see the Runaways. The problem is the only theater in town is playing it at two of the most awkward times ever - 4:40 in the afternoon and 9:20 at night. No other times. I'm always having to be at work at 5, so the early one is out, and I never get out until 9, usually later so I can't make the late one. Frustrating! Gah.

6. I can't believe you've stuck around for number six. This whole post is like so lame. I'm sorry. Will a picture of the cutest little baby bunny ever help?

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

Vegan Lines in the Sand

I think I posted a little while ago about things I was on the fence about vegan-wise. Today while I was at work, I was comparing prices between an Aveda foundation and a few other known-vegan brands that I would have to special order. Prices were comparable, but I had to do some searching to determine if Aveda was vegan. Turns out, most (although not all) of their products are! Since I get an employee discount for Aveda, I was all "score!" and went for it. Because it's good stuff.

I posted my happy find on Facebook, and not too long after a friend pointed out that Aveda was owned by Estee Lauder, who tests on animals. Now, I knew that E.L. owned Aveda and that PETA considers anything owned by them non-Vegan as a result of this, but it opened a deeper question for me - how far am I really willing to take this?

I mean, everything is owned by something, and most seemingly good things are owned by the corporations you're trying to avoid (ie, Colgate owns Tom's of Maine, Coca Cola owns Vitamin Water, etc). Hell, the overwhelming majority of America's food is sourced by like three companies. Do I want to support these huge conglomerates who are doing little for the greater good? Not really. Do I want to continue eating? Yes, please.

So, where do you draw the line? And does drawing the line where you do make you a "bad vegan?"

When Aveda was purchased by E.L, much care was taken to ensure the mission and standards remained the same. Aveda does not test on animals and I don't believe it ever has. And when you read the ingredient lists, most of the ingredients are plant or nature-based. Are they perfect? Of course not. But they at least have the sense of continual improvement. When they can replace the not-so-good ingredients with better, more natural stuff, they do. They want to do good.

So, how is this bad?

I have decided that for me, now, owners of owners of companies is just a place I don't want to go. Maybe someday when I have the time to sit down and investigate every last little thing I want to do and buy and use, but for now I can only deal what is in front of me. Being vegan in an non-urban environment closes a lot of doors when it comes to product demand, and many times shipping puts an already-expensive (though coveted) item out of my league. I must make do with what I have, and for now I am happy with my decision. It's a great product and I'm looking forward to using it.

If that makes me less than a "perfect" vegan, well then. I'm okay with that. It's this idea of being a perfect vegan that scares people away from the idea in the first place.

But that's another post for another day.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lost Chances

Last summer, I was briefly seeing someone. It was pretty casual, to be honest. He was cute, had a great sense of humor, was fun, had a good job, and a son whom he adored.

And I called it off before it got anywhere.

Why? Now, that's the question, isn't it? I've been thinking a lot about that lately. The original reason at the time was because things blew up for me work-wise. I was in such a deep, bad place that I was in self-preservation mode. I literally felt chained to that job and I was doing all I could just to find the key to the lock. I couldn't devote the time or energy necessary to starting a relationship, and I didn't think it was fair to him to suck him down into my mire.

But, it's been almost nine months. I'm not in that mire anymore. Sure, I barely have time to think these days (unless it's of anatomy - then I wish I could stop thinking about it for a little while), but over all I am in a much better place. A place where I can start thinking about the other reasons why I always seem to run from the decent guys and pine after the ones who break my heart.

Because that's what I do.

And it came to me that, deep down, I just can't understand why anyone would want to be with me in that way. I mean - a relationship? a commitment? With me? Why? Have you not met me?!? I'm bitchy, I'm stubborn, I'm self-absorbed, I'm a perfectionist, I'm not skinny, I'm not pretty... blah blah blah.

And therein lies the problem. Because they have met me. And they saw something in me that for whatever reason I simply cannot see. Where on earth did I get this idea that I was somehow not worth being loved? Everyone deserves to be loved. And that includes me. So maybe I need to start accepting that other people would believe that as well, and that it's okay to be loved.

So maybe I screwed it up with that good guy I was seeing last summer. Maybe I lost that chance. But you know what? That's okay. Because if I it means I can finally get past this hurdle, than maybe I won't screw it up with the next decent guy.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Throat Chakra

We are at the Throat Chakra in our studies at school (just two more to go!). Our assignment for this one is to write/create something around something we haven't been able to voice, and then describe (in writing) how it felt to do that.

I just don't know where to begin with this one. I mean, I write all the time. This blog and my journal are filled with the things I needed to voice but couldn't for one reason or another. For me, it is very cathartic. I'll write it and let the page/post hold what there is to it, and then let it go. I'll often go back and visit it later, but once it is out, I feel much better.

So, I was kind of thinking that since I already do that as a means of dealing with the things I can't say, it's not much of an assignment for me, is it? I suppose I could take the easy way out and just go with it. But I was thinking... a much more appropriate thing for me to do would be to actually SAY those things out loud, to someone, anyone. Even if it is just my own ears.

Do I have the cojones to do that? More over, at the end of this experiment, would anyone still be talking to me?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Vegan! (?)

I've been mostly vegan since November, so that's around five months now. That includes two major holidays in which copious amounts of goodies are consumed, most of which contain milk and eggs. Luckily my mom chose not to make any of her famous cookies this year, otherwise I'd have been sorely tempted.

So far, it's been going pretty well. I'm not 100% and when people ask if I am vegan, I say I am transitioning. Because the reality is, I am. I do pretty well for myself at home, but going anywhere in a social setting gets interesting. Luckily I do not currently have a social life, so I haven't had to test myself too much. Where I live, there are no vegan restaurants. Many of the restaurants are veg*n friendly however. I've come to figure out which ones are "safe" and recommend those on the rare occasions I eat out (why does it always take me three tries to spell occasion?).

I am still on the fence about honey. I know all the arguments as to why it's vegan and I get them, I really do. And I seldom partake of it in any case. But you know what? Local, raw honey can do really good things for you. I'm not talking about the shite that comes out of a plastic bear's head, but the real stuff. Generally speaking I try to avoid it and if I find out after the fact I feel a little guilty because I want to be a "good" vegan, but personally speaking I'm still a little on the fence.

I'm also rather lax when it comes to alcohol. I mean, I know many whites especially and Guinness are out vegan-wise (oh how my Irish ancestors role in their graves). But generally speaking I pretty much never check to see if a wine (or any alcohol) is labelled vegan. Because the odds of it being up here are slim, and the odds of me being able to afford it are even slimmer. I guess for me that's my line.

I often wonder how long I'll be able to maintain the vegan way of life. I mean, generally speaking I quite enjoy it, especially the food I've been making. But as I stated above, I'm also leading a very insulated life right now. I don't go anywhere, I don't do anything except work and school. Once I start having some semblance of a life again, how hard will it be? Let's face it, our society is not very accommodating when it comes to diets not of the meat/potatoes variety. And to find something cheese/butter free? Well, that's just crazy talk.

Veganism is great for your health, the animals and the environment. I don't and won't argue that. What they don't like to tell you though is that it sucks for your social life, unless you happen to live in a very urban environment where there are vegan restaurants and, well, other vegans. I am the only vegan I know. Hell, I am the only *vegetarian* I know. My family and friends are (for the most part) very understanding and accommodating. For which I am very grateful and lucky.

I just wonder sometimes.... how long before the "peer pressure" of cheese gets the best of me?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Looking Back

I just spent the last hour going over some old posts from the past year or so. It is so interesting to go back and read about the stuff that now is just distant memory. As I was writing, it was fresh and in-the-moment. I could actually find the exact day (May 15th) where the idea of becoming a massage therapist jelled into a viable option.

I get a kick out of looking back at the person I was a year ago. I was in a very different place this time last year. I was in a job I hated, trying to get over a guy I liked but who didn't fancy me in the same way, and was desperately searching for something, anything that would bring a little meaning back into a life that didn't seem to have any.

Now, I'm going to school for a career that will bring comfort and peace to people, and am pretty much over the guy I fancied (most days) and am generally speaking much happier now. Much more exhausted, but happier.

I've travelled a long distance this past year, and I've only begun this journey. I have no idea what the the rest of the year will look like for me. My life could go in so many different directions I'm not even sure where to begin.

But that's half the fun, right?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Chocolate Bunny Day!


Happy Easter to all of you who celebrate it! Happy Passover to all of you have been celebrating it (my apologies for my lateness) and Happy Ostara to those of you who prefer the pre-christian bacchanalia.

I had today off. Squee! It is my first Sunday off since I started working at the salon. And it couldn't have been a more beautiful day. Shining sun, blue sky with puffy white cottonballs for clouds and a warmth that belies the earliness of the season.

I had a couple things I needed to do today - I needed to give a practice massage and do some laundry and vacuum. The massage took two hours to do; mainly because we took the first hour just to sit around and chat. It was SO NICE to be able to just hang for a while and chat without having to rush off somewhere. It was such a rare treat.

I also took a nice long walk this afternoon. Another treat. Walking is my preferred form of exercise, and I so rarely get to partake these days. Being able to just go off and wander for a while in the sun lightened my spirits like nothing else.

For dinner this evening, I'm having homemade lasagna (there was no actual recipe for this; just a compilation of ideas, pasta sauce and wishful thinking) and strawberry shortcake for dessert. The laundry is done (although not yet put away) and the floor is vacuumed.

I should have spent the day working on a 15 to 20 minute presentation I need to give on Thursday for school. I haven't cracked open a school book yet today, and I don't plan on it at this point. There comes a time when you need a day off to just go where it takes you and responsibilities be damned.

Today was that day. And damn it, it feels amazing!


Thursday, April 1, 2010

Braaaaaiiiiinnnnnsssss

I'm becoming a little concerned about my new-found "habit" of sleepwalking. I've never done that up until this point. I used to sleep talk, but so far as I know I've stopped that. Or have I?

Anyway, last night I once again woke up in the middle of the night convinced that I needed to go somewhere and do something (this happened around the same time last week too). Luckily I only got like two steps away from the bed when I realized it was happy sleepy fun time and went back to bed. I think last week I was almost at the door.

I am just barely conscious enough to have a vague memory of doing this, but for the most part I'm just waking up enough to catch myself before I walk around town in my jammies and a glazed expression on my face. Which would fit in with a lot of other people around here, actually.

My brother used to sleepwalk as a kid (which made for some really interesting screaming sessions when he would stand outside my door and just stare in. Fun!) but he grew out of it by the time he was 10 or so. But this is a new thing for me that I would really rather not turn into a habit. I know it's a direct result of stress and la and di-da and blah blah blah. I just want it to stop before I wake up some time and find myself sitting in an all-night diner eating pie with bed-head, mis-buttoned jammies and two different shoes.

Today, You are Ten

Well, as far as we know, anyway. We're not sure of your exact birthday, so we use your "Gotcha Day" instead. You've been...