Another inward focus post... feel free to ignore if you've had your daily dose of woo-woo already.
I've been reading books on Eastern Philosophy the past year or so... Buddhism mostly but also yoga (I'm currently reading a translation of the Yoga Sutras). A common theme among many of these philosophies is the notion of "letting go of attachments." Focus on attachments can only lead to pain and suffering. Once you let go, there is nothing there to cause you pain. And onward to Enlightenment.
Okay, so there's a lot more to it than that but you get the idea. It's like Yoda telling Anakin that if he wants Padme to live, then he has to let go of her. His attachment to her in the end was both of their undoing.
Yes, I can tie anything and everything back to Star Wars.
Anyway... I was thinking on this subject this morning, both before and after yoga class. Specifically in regards to the never-ending disappointment that is my love life. My close friends know that while I am happy most of the time with my life as it is, I often feel a deep lonliness. I feel that Partner distinctly not there. There is so much love I have and so much that I want to share with him, that I literally ache. And yet, despite my best attempts (or perhaps because of them) I remain single.
Friends consistently tell me to be patient, it'll happen, I'm a great catch, blah blah blah. But the reality is, I'll be 36 this year. And while that doesn't come with an expiration date, I'm having to face some pretty harsh realities. That maybe I won't find a Partner in this lifetime. Perhaps, for whatever reason, I am meant to go it alone.
I don't like this. I personally feel that I am just as deserving of love as the next person. But who am I? Just this little blip on the cosmic radar attached to the notion that I deserve to have a companion in this life. But what would happen if I let go of this attachment? What if I said, you know? I can't do this anymore. What is, is. And if I'm meant to be alone with a couple cats then so be it. At least the three of us will be happy.
I want love. I desperately want to be loved and want to share my love. I have so much to share! But I think I need to let go of the attachment as to what that will look like. Because what has been placed before me is causing me a great deal of pain and suffering, and I just can't do this anymore. I don't know if this is giving up hope or just moving on. But whichever it is, I think I need to do it.
Or else some hot stud needs to friggin' propose tomorrow.
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