Sunday, January 31, 2010

What happened?

When I started on my little life-changing venture late last summer, I was full of hope and happiness and determination. 2010 was going to be my year. I knew it was going to be hard work, but I could see the path before me and I liked it.

So far, I've got to say 2010 has been anything but my year, and we've only gotten through the first month! In fact, it kinda feels like my life is falling apart around me, and I'm struggling to hang on to it. Classes have become a kind of sanctuary - the only thing in my life that isn't changing. I know exactly what's going to come next and what is expected of me.

I know my life could be a lot worse; I'm under no delusions. But right now, my life is filled with stresses and no real solutions to easing those stresses save time. People keep telling me, things will get better, it's just temporary, don't give up hope. Well, I keep trying to be hopeful but every time I do something else happens! Maybe if I keep being miserable the Universe will get sick of my eternal bad mood and pop someone else's balloon for a while.

And I just wished something bad on someone else which is totally not cool.


Right now, 2010 is kicking my ass. I'm really hoping this is the sucky part of the year and it's only going to get better from here.

Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm Here!

I'm at the old apartment right now, waiting for people to show up to help me move the last of my things. It won't take long. We'll be done before noon.

I did not sleep well last night. I was exhausted, but my emotions have been running high and I kept crying. I finally crashed at some point after midnight, but I kept waking up because my arms kept falling asleep and waking me up. I woke up around 6:30am and just got up. I started getting my room situated. I am hoping I'll feel better once everything is in its place.

I'm thinking a lot of stuff will remain in boxes. I just don't have the room for all of it, and frankly a lot of it is crap I don't need anyway. Some of it may actually end up in my Mom's basement for storage if worse comes to worse.

I am doing my best to make the most of this. I am just tired and emotionally spent and completely burned out from all that I have to do/am doing. This was just too much. I am lucky I have friends who are willing to help me with this transition, but at the end of the day, I have to deal with this alone.

Frankly, I am struggling.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Quick quick.

Just a quick update - things will be a little spotty post-wise for a while as the new place doesn't have internet yet. Yes, I am already going through withdrawl.

I am 95% in, thanks to one of my wonderful classmates and her equally wonderful van. I should have the rest in tomorrow.

I am emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted right now (and I'm currently at work for the next 4 hours - sh!). I've already gotten into a fight with my roommate/cousin. Sigh. It was ugly, I was tired and frustrated and it just wasn't pretty.

Hopefully I'll post soon. This is a college town; I'm sure I can find a coffee house with free internet somewhere. Hopefully I'll be in a better mood. Although, about 10 solid hours of sleep would probably go a long way to fixing that...

I'll see you on the flip side, party people.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Yeah, So.

I should be studying for an anatomy test. Rightthisveryminute. So, of course I'm blogging.

I have found a van for Friday morning. I may only get one trip out of it, so I'll probably be moving the mattress/boxsprings first and foremost.

My landlord is showing the apartment at 9:00am on Friday. Worst. Timing. EVER.

My brother (and roommate), upon seeing the notice says "do you think we can keep the place clean for that?" To which I replied, "I'm moving shit that day. No! It's not my fault the landlord has the worst sense of timing since Napoleon thought it would be a great idea to invade Russia in Winter!" Okay, so I didn't say that last part. But I kinda wish I had.

I'm still not convinced anyone is going to show up on Saturday to help me. I have two confirmations, only one of which I have any confidence in.

I moved a car load up tonight, and emptied a couple boxes so I could re-use them. Then promptly left them there.

We're doing hydrotherapy in class this week. I got a foot bath followed by a foot massage. Ahhhhhh. So nice.

I can't wait for this whole move thing to be over.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.

This week is going to be freakin' insane. I'm lying here in bed, trying to go to sleep. After 8.5 hours standing, you'd think I'd be exhausted. But as soon as I turned out the lights, my mind started racing to everything have to do this week.

* How my plans for tomorrow suddenly got cut in half since I need to cover extra time at work. Now I'm fitting a day's worth of moving and one massage into half the time.

* How I have a performance Saturday evening after spending the day moving. I have no choreography. I'm winging it. I'm not even convinced I know the song well enough to wing it. I'm not even convinced I care.

* How I essentially have to move all the things I can fit in my car in half a day Monday, Wednesday evening and about 6 hours on Friday. During these time frames I also have to study for a killer anatomy test, pack, do homework and find something that vaguely resembles food because I am too poor to order take-out.

* How I can't even afford to pay the people helping me move the furniture on Saturday with a pizza lunch. All I can afford is a hearty smile and a sincere thank you. It's going to have to be enough, but it won't be.

Every minute of this next week is spoken for, and there is still too much left over that needs to get done. I can't do it all, and yet I'm going to have to.

Calgone, take me away!!!!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What did I write about last time?

I forget. I should go look.


Neck deep in the school/work/schoolwork/housework/moving cycle I'm in right now. I'd like to think I'm about halfway moved in, but that mostly me lying to myself. I'm maybe a third of the way moved in and I'm looking at a heavy load homework-wise this weekend. Once again I have no clue how I'll pull it off.

But, today the sun was shining. If you've ever been to Vermont in the winter time, you know that a sunny day that isn't going to freeze the snot in your nose is a rare day indeed. It was one of those days. So, even though I spent most of it inside for class, just knowing that there was sun made me happy. It is supposed to be sunny tomorrow as well. If it is, I am determined to take an hour and get out and enjoy it.

No matter how busy you are, rare sunny days are to be treasured and enjoyed. So say I.

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Farewell to Organics.

Well, I've held off for as long as I could but the cold, harsh reality has finally hit me.

I cannot currently afford to buy organic.

Oh, my aching heart.

Now, I know the American organic system is rife with abuses, but generally speaking I figure anything that brings less pesticides, herbicides, and any other -icides into my system is a good thing.

Unfortunately, the sad fact is while I am making ends meet (barely), I am technically below the poverty line right now. I am lucky I am able to go to the grocery store every week and purchase food, period. So, as much as it pains my heart, I am going to have to walk by the organic section of produce and head to conventional stuff.

Of course, I will still shop around. If they are having a sale and prices are comparable, I will opt for the organic version. I keep telling myself that as long as I'm eating vegetables and fruit, I am still doing good. As soon as I'm able to augment my income again, I'll up my organic intake.

This is one of the few times when I wish I was in a more temperate climate so I could just visit my local farmer's market every week. Ironically, by the time I'm able to take on a full-time job again, my local farmer's market should be starting back up. Lucky me!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Animal Messengers

Please forgive me for a moment while I get all woo-woo on your asses.

So, for many years now I've been cognizant of animals coming in and out of my life. Mostly, these are animals I never much see until suddenly they are all over the place. I figured that there had to be a reason for me seeing these animals, and I should learn more about what they signify.

The first time I really started noticing animals, I started seeing wild rabbits/hares on my walks in the evenings. All. The. Time. They came to me during a time when I felt very vulnerable, and was in a toxic relationship. Rabbit helped me realize that being weak, timid, and prone to hiding was not going to help me realize a positive outcome.

The second time, it was crows. I think on some level I just wanted to see them. I think they were always there. I equate crows with Morrigan, a celtic goddess of war and justice. I have a particular fondness for Morrigan - my mother's maiden name is Morgan and I always kind of felt "safe" knowing She was on my side. But the crows helped me find my inner warrior. They told me to take my life into my own hands and to start living it.

Now, today in fact, I seem to have found another animal messenger. In class today we were working with various cards and one I drew kept reminding me of a spider, even though there was absolutely no animal imagery on it whatsoever. So of course I had to come home and research Spider. What I've been reading has been very interesting and She (in native mythologies spiders seem to be always a she) fits my life and who and what I want to become right now. She embodies creativity and the weaving together the past, present, and future. I think she has quite a lot to teach me, if I'm willing to listen.

Of course, I have to get over the fact that I don't really like spiders...
This image isn't mine, but beautifully embodied what I believe Grandmother Spider would look like.
To see where I got this image, visit

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I'm Making It Work.

Well, the good news is I've found a place to stay. One of my cousins who lives in the area was in desperate need of a roommate. There is plenty of room for all of my things. And me! It's really not going to change my commute at all. I won't be able to walk to the grocery store anymore. Well, I will but it's a bit more of a hike. That's a good thing, though. Being too close to a grocery store can be dangerous when one is constantly battling weight issues.

Speaking of, last night I allowed myself to feel sorry for me and did a bit of a food binge. Actually, a hell of one. I was so stuffed I couldn't fall asleep. I haven't done anything like that in a very long time. I was feeling pretty rotten yesterday, though. Depressed and angry.

I am feeling much better today, and am happier knowing that I have someplace to go to, and some sort of plan. I felt like I was dangling there for a while, and I greatly dislike that feeling. I don't need to have much of a plan, just a general idea of the next step is usually good enough!

It's going to be difficult to get moved in the limited amount of time I have to do so. I've already requested the last Saturday of the month off so I can get some help in moving the furniture. My hope is to have all of the small stuff up there by then. I think that's some wishful thinking, but I've got to get it done. Not sure when I'm going to get any homework done in the next few weeks; but the way I figure it, in this instance I have to take care of me first. No home, no school. Unless they're willing to let me bunk on one of the massage tables at night, that is.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Life Just Keeps Getting Better.

My lease ends March 31st. My roommate (aka my brother) wants to seek alternative accommodations after rooming together for...six years now, is it? Now, I've fully expected this for the last couple of years and cannot blame him in the least.

However, his decision could not come at a worse time for me. I can't afford this apartment on my own, and in fact can't afford any apartment on my own. At my age (nearing 36), I don't want to room with just anyone. I don't want to answer an ad on Craig's List and just hope for the best.

So, I'm left with three months to figure out how I'm going to get by on virtually nothing all by myself.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do.

Monday, January 4, 2010

In My Dreams...

...hoping that someday I will have enough time to devote to my dancing so that I can be 25% as good as this!

This gives a whole new meaning to "isolations."


Yeah, so we had a snow storm this weekend.

They are saying my town had nearly three feet of snow. I believe them. It started snowing Friday afternoon and didn't stop until around 9:00pm Sunday night. It just never. stopped. snowing. They are saying it was worse even than the snowstorm we had over Valentine's Day two years ago.

I will say, I learned a few things with this snowstorm:

1. Consumerism wins over the safety of employees every time. The mall (and thus us) never closed early, never opened late, despite the truly bad roads. The worst was, people were actually going to the mall during the worst of the storm.

2. People will brave a bad storm in order to have good hair. It was still rotten yesterday and yet people still came in to have their hair styled. We only had one no-show in the 8.5 hours we were open.

3. Cleaning a car off with no ice scraper is no fun.

4. People in SUVs seriously think that means they can drive fast and reckless on bad roads and that they will be fine. Slippery roads are slippery roads, and if you take me out with you when you go down, I will be peeved.

5. Having a warm pot of soup waiting for you after a long night and a scary commute is just the ticket.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!

Okay, so those of you who actually had something to do last night are undoubtedly sleeping the sleep of the well-partied. Kudos to you! I had nothing to do last night and no money to do it with, so I remained home. Besides, I have to do a massage today before working a 5-hour shift. So, if you are going to pity me, pity me for that last part.

Anyway, as I do every year at this time, I took some time and looked over the goals I made for myself at this time last year. I am always amazed at the amount I accomplish, especially since I tend to write them down and forget them. I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish during 2009, and they were:

1. Eat mostly vegan except when dining out. This one pretty much fell by the wayside until I actually decided to transition to veganism in November. The transition is going fairly well, with the only (knowing) slip-ups being those damned hershey kisses I got for Christmas and some honey here and there.

2. Prepare more foods myself and rely less on prepackaged stuff (including bread!). This is pretty much true, although I don't think I'll ever completely give up on boca burgers. The bread thing is harder, because I have a LOT less time these days to make it. Not doing half bad on this one tho'.

3. Attend yoga on a regular basis. Well, yeah. This is one I failed miserably on. I am hoping once my schedule opens up a bit, I'll be able to add it back in. I miss it.

4. Perform more belly dancing. Yep! Loving it, too.

5. Spend less money. Well, when you're earning minimum wage and there's no money to spend, this becomes surprisingly easy...

6. Pay off student loan. YES!!!! I cannot tell you how happy it made me to write that last check, I think a good year early.

7. Love what I do professionally. This was a big one for me last year, as I was in a job that was sucking my soul out of me. I'm being trained now for something I know I'll enjoy doing and quitting my job and returning to school was the best decision I've made in a long, long time.

8. Learn to let go of things I can't control. Um yeah. I think this one's an ongoing project.

9. Have more fun! On my list every year. I can certainly say I've been happier the last half of 2009 than I have in a long, long time.

10. Watch less television. This one becomes surprisingly easy when you can't afford cable.

This year, I don't feel as happy to welcome 2010 as I thought I would. I was so anxious for it to come, because it holds so many possibilities for me! What I feel instead is sadness, a grief of some kind. I think because life as I know it is going to change exponentially for me this year, and everything I've known to be true is going to fall away. This is not necessarily a bad thing; life is about change and letting go. And I've been desperate for change for a good long while though.

Right now, 2010 is a long, reaching road spread out before me. I can't see its end and I have no clue what adventures I'll have as I travel its path. I am taking those first steps, though. Because to stay at its beginning and to never see what there is to see? Why, that's no fun at all.

Last Chance.

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