Thursday, September 17, 2009

I suck.

Or rather, I am feeling like an abject failure right now. I feel like I am an idiot for not comprehending what other people around me seem to have no problem with and for not quickly and easily coming up to speed.

Which, of course, is silly.

It is negative self-talk that certainly is not doing me any good. It doesn't make me feel any less bad, but I guess deep down I know I am not stupid, nor an idiot, nor a failure.

But the one thing I know I'm good at is blowing things waaaaay out of proportion.

It all started at massage class today. Yesterday we got the tables out and practiced draping and how to let your client know what area you are working on. Easy peasy. Got it. Today, we got the tables out and we were practicing compressions. Not just one kind, but three kinds. In multiple areas (leg, back, shoulders). All while holding ourselves in a specific position and this and that and this and that. I was lagging behind and felt like I could do no right. Which then spiraled down into me making a huge mistake going into massage and I'm going to suck at it and I should just quit while I can still get a refund.

The reality is, I had a "client" with very specific preferences and a table that was adjusted too high for me. After class a couple other students (who have massage experience) indicated that they too had problems with the afternoon class, though for different reasons. I think it was too much for us beginners and too contradictory for the more experienced. I think a lot of people left class today a little off-kilter and questioning themselves.

So, from that I went to work. It went well enough actually. I was on my way to closing out at a decent time and getting everything accomplished. Until one of the stylists told me her tip was missing.


The thing is, the till was right. It wasn't a heavy night and I remember distinctly taking the tip out and putting it in a little envelope and in the tip holder for her. Of course, I spiral this into me not able to do the most simple of tasks and everyone knows how bad I am in math so why the hell am I in retail and they're going to fire me because the till is now $10 off because I needed to give the stylist her tip. Honestly, I felt horrible about it.

Odds are what happened was it got mixed up with one of the other stylist's tips (or I put it in the wrong envelope) and someone else has it. The stylist was understanding, far more so than I was with myself.

The two incidents that were really minor just combined into this overwhelming sense of stupidity and failure and I spent the entire drive to the bank and home sobbing. I'm sure the bank's security cameras have a great picture of me putting the deposit bags looking pathetic and bloaty.

I know I am being too hard on myself. I would be much more sympathetic and understanding to someone else in my position, more than I am with myself. Things have come so easily to me for so long; being challenged is not something I am used to anymore. Coupled with this is a distinct fear of failure: my future is riding on my success of this program. If I fail at this or am just no good at it, I'm screwed. That's a lot of pressure to put on one's self, and I have to learn to either let go and just deal with the consequences or just quit.

I am not going to quit. They're going to have to kick me out of this program and throw me out the door.

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