Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Trying to Change.

I've been eating again.

Well, okay. I need to quantify that. I am not now nor have I ever been anorexic or bulemic. I like food too much to not eat it and I dislike barfing too much to get rid of it. Really, I just find myself eating a lot. More than is really necessary to maintain my current weight.

The upside is that I see myself doing it, so theoretically I can catch myself before I balloon back up to my original weight of eight years ago (meaning 40 pounds heavier).

The downside is that I'm making the choice to do it anyway. There are things going on in my life that are most likely the instigators - a large amount of stress and a bit of bitter disappointment. 

I'm hoping that I'm soon to be seeing an end to the stressful stuff. Unfortunately the only thing that is going to help the disappointment is time. All I can say is that I thought I had something special, but it turns out that I'm the only one who thought that. It hurts to be pushed aside. And nothing really fixes that but time.

I know, deep down, the best way to move on is to deal with the things that are bothering me. Accept that I'm feeling this way, own it, then release it and let it go. It is better for me in the long run not to ignore my feelings by stuffing them down with food. That's a hard thing to do for a girl raised in a stoic New England family. 

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