I used to be very actively involved with theater. I know, right? You're all so shocked. I loved to act, and I was fairly decent at it. It was a game to me, how realistic could I be while I was pretending?
I acted throughout high school and college. I was in virtually every show in some way, shape or form. I loved figuring the character out. Especially once I hit college and started in on my psych degree. That became part of the game, too.
I kind of let the theater thing slide (along with everything else) back in my 20's. While I've started the dancing up again, I've had no real desire to get back on stage and act. I never really thought about that one way or the other; it wasn't something I necessarily missed.
Then tonight in class, our teacher (hi Yasmia!) had us dance to two songs - one just to dance and move; the other to get in touch with our emotions while dancing. She correctly pointed out that in order to be a phenomenal dancer, you have to dance what is in your heart. Let's just say I had issues with the second song. In my defense, the song just didn't speak to my heart. It was a good song, but it just didn't grab me there.
But it kinda got me thinking back to my acting days. I lost all interest in acting when it wasn't a game anymore. You see, when I was younger, I would pretend that I had been through all these things I was portraying on stage: love, loss, fear, betrayal... but none of these things had happened to me. I was lost in the land of what-if.
I'm not that person anymore; I've felt all those things, and deeply. If I got on stage I wouldn't be pretending anymore - I'd be letting all those pesky hurts and fears and tears out for the whole world to see, and they'd all be real. And I might not be able to stop once they got going.
I am rather afraid that the same thing will happen to me with dance. That I'll never go after the songs that truly move me; because the emotions that bubble up might well be more than I can handle, and more than I want to share. But that is what makes a dancer phenomenal, isn't? That sharing.
So, I'm stuck now trying to figure out how much and how far I truly want to push myself. I know there are songs I can't listen to for various reasons. What would happen if I danced to them? I'm almost afraid to find out.